How to Survive a Bad Day

Honest bias is rarely comfortable; My biases are reinforced by my surroundings. This includes the communities around me, the products and services that I use in order to stay informed about the world, and even the institutions that I belong to. There is no cure for bias, but it can be managed with honest self-reflection, requests for thoughtful feedback, and a willingness to address feedback directly however it comes to me. Bias is deadly. We can't avoid it, and not addressing it isn't an option. This is an uncomfortable realization that I must nevertheless carry with me wherever I go. I don't have permission to give up on trying to remove bias from my thoughts and actions. I can't allow myself to become paralyzed by the fact that I can never fully trust my own thought processes. She was just breathing. We were breathing together. She was breathing heavy enough for me to hear her. Heavy enough for the sound of her breath to cue my brain to cue my heart to stop that emptiness feeling that was causing my tear ducts to bubble-snot cry. And, eventually, they did. This, my beloveds, is my new normal. I know this shit sucks! My mother going to the Upper Room (because I believe Heaven is where all great human beings live after death) changed me. It made me vulnerable on purpose, yet at the same time I became this bonafide grown ass woman who suddenly needed to make decisions on her own. The matriarch of our family was gone. New strategies can be developed for the parts that are not working.

This being said, accountability conversations can be difficult. But if led skillfully, using inquiry instead of inquisition, listening instead of attacking, these conversations are productive and honest. How to lead an accountability conversation: First, explore if the person you want to talk with has a learning mindset. If yes, when an issue happens, include some outsiders in the conversation who can provide helpful feedback and who have a deep understanding and broader perspective about the problem. Two people who are in conflict can rarely have the required insight to solve the larger, system-level problem. Create a learning environment. Don't rush to address the problem. Make sure to emphasize that no one is there to blame or be ashamed--the purpose of the conversation is to learn. It can be a person or an object, anything to change your mood and thinking. If you keep focused on positive things, sooner or later you will have attracted so many like- minded positive thoughts that you won't even remember the negative thought you were dwelling on. Talk about what you want: Society teaches us to complain about our problems and the things that are displeasing us at the moment. But all that does is perpetuate a negative cycle, thus bringing us more of the things we don't want. Talk about the good things in life and about the prosperity and good health you are experiencing. Train your mind to only focus on the things you want to manifest in your life. You can do this by monitoring the feelings, thoughts and words you use most often. If there is a certain word or thought that you often use that doesn't serve you, get rid of it. Instead, talk about the lifestyle you prefer and about the good that is constantly flowing in your life. Let this be your dominate speech and thought pattern. Even those who take twice the prescribed dosage go through the same unpleasant physical and mental reactions.

If it is not the medicine working the magic, then what is at work? It's the same thing that works for the Priapus believers. It's not me. It is their belief in me. Most of my patients have been referred by other recovering addicts who have not experienced withdrawals. They, too, believe that they will not go through withdrawal. Therefore they don't. I am not implying that people get whatever they want. They do not. Children need the security of a caregiver to rebound after a frightening experience. This buffer helps develop resilience. Rather than run away from threat, most young mammals will reach out or run toward a source of adult protection. Similarly, human babies, infants, and toddlers will cling to their attachment figures when they feel threatened. In fact, humans of all ages naturally seek the comfort of familiarity when fearful or stressed. It's quite a quandary that sets up an internal conflict when the people closest to the child who are supposed to love and protect them are the same ones who have hurt, humiliated, and violated them. This sends confusing messages about whom to trust. This double bind undermines a basic sense of self and confidence in one's own instincts. In this way one's whole sense of safety and stability is weakened. Students with the third subtype of insecure attachment, disorganized/disoriented, are the most troubled. They have the type of personalities that are going to want to know why, when, where, and what, this is the way that their brain is wired, they are very inquisitive.

There never seems to be an end to the questions that they have, because in their effort to gain knowledge of what is going on, so they will not rest until they get to the bottom of whatever it is they are investigating. Even if it is a simple conversation, they are going to want to know every detail about the situation. They need to have all of the information concerning everything and everyone that they come across. One of the things about them is that they do not like to feel as if they do not have information or answers, so they will keep researching and asking questions until they figure out what it is they need to know. Your dreams will become very intense or strange; You may see something in your dreams, and find out a week later that same event took place. It will be a life mission to search until you find the answers that you feel are necessary for your peace of mind. This trait will also prove to be beneficial in your relationships in the workplace or at home. It can be frustrating for you when you cannot find an explanation about something that needs confirmation, and you truly believe that there is always a way to work things out and will find the way. Ask yourself this question- why do you need their approval? What part of your life changes based on their opinion? Is there a difference in your health? Does your income increase or decrease based on what they think of you? When you are not around them, is there any way they impact you? If the answer to all of these questions is no, it becomes difficult to figure out why it is important for this person to like you. I understand that it is difficult to accept when someone does not like you because it goes against something we all want, which is to be thought of as a good person and accepted by others. However, you can still be all of those things, even without a particular person's approval. Think about a person who regularly gives to charity, always stops to help a person in need, and overall, does all of the things that constitute a good person. There will still be people who call their motives into question, saying they only do these things for popularity. Paul Saffo, a forecasting expert and professor at Stanford University, wrote a popular essay titled Strong Opinions Weakly Held.

The title has become a bit of a mantra for many people in the tech sector because it offers a slightly unintuitive but practical way to keep one foot in action and one foot in acceptance of imperfect thinking. Allow your intuition to guide you to a conclusion, no matter how imperfect--this is the strong opinion part. Then--and this is the weakly held part--prove yourself wrong. Engage in creative doubt. Look for information that doesn't fit, or indicators that are pointing in an entirely different direction. Eventually your intuition will kick in and a new hypothesis will emerge out of the rubble, ready to be ruthlessly torn apart once again. You will be surprised by how quickly the sequence of faulty forecasts will deliver you to a useful result. It's not that different from Muhammad Ali's famous advice to float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Floating like a butterfly means we should be willing to change our minds easily and often, always looking for the positions that are a better fit for the situation. I no longer had this woman who loved me and cheered for me regardless of how immensely ambitious my ideas were. Now matter how dumb my idea may have been, she was there rooting for me. I now had to root for myself. This, my beloveds, is my new normal. Nothing about life for me could or would be the same after my mother died. Carrying on with my life as normal would only be more harmful, and it would be an injustice to our great relationship. I kept thinking, so I'm just supposed to move on with my life as if I haven't lost the greatest love I've ever experienced. That's not how any of this works, people. This, my beloveds, is my new normal. That Monday after she left me for her spot in the Upper Room, I knew that what I had been thinking all along was true. Make sure to treat confidential information as such.