Distract themselves with something else so they don't have to confront making the decision

Even if you change your ways, who's to say they'd accept it, or you wouldn't revert to the old you? You'd be better off avoiding them. It took Stan a few minutes to accommodate avoidance as a solution. Worst case, I explained, the fighting with his family would cease immediately. Best case, his wife and daughters might eventually turn to him for advice. 10 As I've said, after their voyage Fitzroy continued to visit Darwin at Down House in Kent regularly--at least until the spring of 1857. Slowly, and, I think, painfully for him, Fitzroy became a major public critic of his friend's work. As we know, Fitzroy suffered from depression and a sharp temper, but contemporaries noticed that he nonetheless never bore grudges and almost always showed compassion to those with whom he disagreed. This extended, in the early years, after the Beagle's return to England, especially to his protege and friend Darwin. And, of course, there were many positives in their debate. As I have said, interactions with Fitzroy helped Darwin clarify his views about evolution and anticipate many objections to his theory prior to its publication. But, alarmingly, the written record shows that Fitzroy slowly became more strident--more hardened in his thinking. In December 1859, Fitzroy began an exchange in The Times criticizing the dating of stone tools that had been found near the river Somme and identified as more than 14,000 years old. This exchange was written under the pseudonym Senex, from the Latin nemo senex metuit louem, meaning, An old man should be fearful of God. Couples who can't place their momentary feelings within their larger goals tend to have trouble. They act on impulse and hope for the best. The lure of short-term gratification, and the use of purchases as emotional nourishment, can stoke this culturally endorsed form of madness. Middle-class couples can look pretty similar from the outside--houses, kids, jobs--but peek into their bank accounts and you discover that money is an exacting measure of whether two people are genuinely collaborating or whether they are just putting on a good show. SAM HATED HIS job.

Really, really hated it. He'd survived the bloodbath of 2008, hanging on by his fingernails, and his reward--hallelujah--was the stupor of staring at his computer screen, his head throbbing. The website of his financial services company showcased the soulful profile of a guy gazing at his triple monitor as if he were Columbus pondering whether the earth was round. But people in his office only felt they were doing their jobs if they were screaming. Casual brutality, a sense of crisis, a hair-trigger temper--these were the signals that a man was hard at work. Life is not worth living unless one can be indiscrete to intimate friends', was how the intellectual Isaiah Berlin expressed it. What are we to make of this plethora of dissimulation? In short, both little and much. Nietzsche again helps. He did not give the lie to friendship to disparage it. Rather, he understood that for the most part friendship is human, all too human. For this reason a degree of dissimulation is required on occasion in even the closest of friendships. There was a time in our lives when we were so close that nothing seemed to obstruct our friendship and brotherhood, and only a small footbridge separated us. Just as you were about to step on it, I asked you:Do you want to cross the footbridge to me? ' - Immediately, you did not want to any more; But it wouldn't happen until he took himself out of the picture. I don't usually cite politicians as role models, but they are masters of avoidance. Unlike my high-achieving clients (who can't foresee error-inducing situations because they're neither used to erring nor admitting its possibility), politicians are terrorized by the specter of a career-ending gaffe. So they develop perfect pitch for any environment that might tempt them into making a gaffe. When they refuse to answer a no-win question at a press conference, they're practicing avoidance.

When they won't be seen in the same room with a polarizing public figure, they're avoiding. When they abstain from a controversial vote, they're avoiding. Politicians know this instinctively. Why don't we? It's a simple equation: To avoid undesirable behavior, avoid the environments where it is most likely to occur. Fearful of God! This was a key theme in Fitzroy's later adversarial relationship with Darwin. We see here that Fitzroy had gradually been overwhelmed by fear. Fear, perhaps, of the disapprobation of his peers, or his wife. Fear of God himself, perhaps? Fear for his soul? This fear lead to a constriction of thinking, a lack of flexibility, and a lack of perspective. It's clear, in retrospect, that Darwin was not at all immune to this same fear, and probably for many of the same reasons. In fact, for the twenty years that Darwin continued to secretly work on his theory of evolution, he was a conflicted and tormented man. He was often sick. Willa, Sam's wife, had no idea what it took for him to get through his day. She had no clue how normal it was to feel pummeled and abused. If she tried to put herself in his shoes and imagine how he felt, he knew it would help. But when she cocked her head with stubborn optimism, trying to pass off her We'll just make the best of it attitude as camaraderie, he could tell she was subtly refusing to empathize. He was wearing himself down into a strange, stunted version of himself, ghostly and depressed and angry.

Yet her response--If it's too much, we'll figure out something else--felt belittling. Basically, she thought his bad mood was his own damn fault. Willa popped out of bed every day at 5:30 a. m. for thirty minutes on her treadmill. and when I asked you again, you remained silent. Since then mountains and torrential rivers and whatever separates and alienates have been cast between us, and even if we wanted to get together, we couldn't. But when you now think of that little footbridge, words fail you and you sob and marvel. He's saying that there is no such thing as merely picking the right moment. If too much is said at the wrong time the consequences can be disastrous. So with regards to the dissimulation, one should make little of it, in the sense that even if you agree that most friendship is feigning you should, nonetheless, carry on as usual with one's friends; and much of it, in the sense that to try always to be honest will for the most part be ruinous. The issue at stake here is this one of not knowing ourselves and others that well. It raises two practical problems. First, even if we think we know someone well, our judgements about them are usually a little off the mark and so would warrant their vex-ation were they made known; If you don't want to be lured into a tantrum by a colleague who gets on your nerves, avoid him. If you don't want to indulge in late-night snacking, don't wander into the kitchen looking for leftovers in the fridge. Of course, there are many moments in life when avoidance is impossible. We have to engage, even if doing so terrifies us (for example, public speaking), or enrages us (for example, visiting our in-laws), or turns us into jerks (for example, conducting business with people we don't respect). Adjustment, if we're lucky, is the end product of forecasting - but only after we anticipate our environment's impact and eliminate avoidance as an option.

Adjustment doesn't happen that often. Most of us continue our errant ways unchecked. We succeed despite, not because of, falling into the same behavioral traps again and again. Adjustment happens when we're desperate to change, or have an unexpected insight, or are shown the way by another person (such as a friend or coach). This was the case with a rising tech executive named Sachi, whom I met in Silicon Valley. He suffered recurrent digestive ills, and very painful stomach cramps. He became a regular frequenter of English spas with cures of all kinds--some mainstream, some very marginal, and some requiring a surprising amount of magical thinking for a scientist like Darwin. There is simply no doubt that Darwin was tormented. And, indeed, the superb biography of Darwin by authors Adrian Desmond and James Moore is tellingly entitled Darwin: The Life of a Tormented Evolutionist. For three years after arriving home, Darwin was almost continually closeted in his study. By 1839, he had roughed out, in pencil, the broad strokes of his theory of the Origin of Species. By June 1839, indeed, Darwin had created a solid and compelling thirty-five article overview of the theory of evolution. (It's dogged that gets it done. ) Well, talk about undermining the concept of the stability of species! Her days were full to bursting, every moment accounted for. The twins were a delight, but Jacob had ADHD and Lucia was moody like her dad (tantrums still, at eight years old). Willa's to-do list was a mile long, but she tried to make the walk to school special, asking the twins to name the flowers that were in bloom. Lucia sometimes refused to answer, but Willa tried to stay positive. She strove to brighten people's days without even thinking about it.