I am not in this world to live up to your expectations

It's an irresistible equation: the more structure I have, the less I have to worry about. The peace of mind more than compensates for whatever I sacrifice in autonomy. I appreciate that not everyone is as eager to cede control of their lives as I am. Truly, that's what it's there for. And if you recognize someone else, you have a duty. See them. Reflect them back to themselves. Help them, too, to use the relationship. And here is something that they don't teach you in school: The biggest and most important selfobjects in your life keep on transmitting. They continue to transmit energy and information. In the following years, I would go on to a full psychoanalysis with a man strangely not unlike John. Dr Bill Richardson was an older man and a Jesuit priest. A distinguished professor at Boston College, where I was in graduate school. There's no gain in blunt declarations of waning attraction; but there's value in voicing prospective worry if that's an important part of your emotional reality. So, regarding weight, one might say, Hey, I feel a little anxious bringing this up, because it's so important that you understand how much I love you for who you are inside, and that hasn't changed at all. I want us to have a long, healthy, active life together, and to keep being able to do all the stuff we love to do, and as we get older, it's not as easy. So I'm wondering if we can find a time to talk about how to stay in decent shape and maybe support each other in doing it. Presumably your partner knows you pretty well, and (s)he may smell a rat. Are you telling me I'm fat?

(s)he says. I do notice your weight, you respond honestly, but that stuff happens with age. It doesn't change the fact that I love you. denying your fears, envy, avarice, vindictiveness or even occasional vicious feelings. Such lies gnaw at your heart. At the least, it's a vague sensation that something's wrong; at the worst, it's lifelong guilt. When you make decisions that completely ignore some hidden selves, you can pretend to go on as usual, but your feelings will catch up with you. Neglected selves can return to haunt in devious ways (tension headaches, poor concentration, depression, fatigue). You gain a little and the price is high. Refusing to acknowledge your selves saps energy and erodes your self-worth. What we are recommending is that you regularly explore the different selves within you. Let each be heard in your internal congress; Some people are mavericks. They chafe at the imposition of any rule or routine, as if their self-generated discipline is morally and aesthetically superior to externally generated discipline. I get it. We like our freedom. But when I consider the behavioral edge that structure provides, my only question is Why would anyone say no to a little more structure? At the intersection where structure and behavior bump up against each other, there's a paradox. We rely on structure to govern the predictable parts of our lives.

We know the places we're obligated to be, the tasks we're paid to do, the people we'll be meeting soon. They're in our calendars and in our heads so we can prepare. We have structure - etiquette, our rules for what's appropriate - to guide and instruct us. We dug in deeper and excavated some more. And John made all of that possible. He was the first doorway. I have next to me in my study a picture of John Purnell. He is sitting in the big, red-leather chair in his study, flanked by his two black sheepdogs, and smiling out contentedly, happily. At home with himself. I feel my losses now. And I feel the accumulated sorrow of a lifetime. But now they fill me up rather than deplete me. They no longer impinge upon me. I'm no perfect physical specimen, either. It's just that I think we're a great team and I want us to stay as healthy and attractive as we can for each other. Do you think maybe we can work something out together? To create the best context for understanding, especially with sensitive issues such as weight, we lead with the positive whenever possible. Leading with the positive helps the listener to consider the more difficult part of the message, to think about it rather than simply reacting to an attack. In this, as in so many difficult couple conversations, the goal is to dwell in the golden ring, finding a spirit of collaborative problem-solving at just the moment people are most vulnerable to feeling criticized or misunderstood. When partners share their thoughts and feelings in this mind-set, they can both look at the issue, mull it over, and figure out how to respond.

This contrasts with the runaway train of reaction and counterreaction. These conversations sometimes break down because no matter how tactful the one broaching the topic tries to be, the partner's response is something like How dare you think you have any say over my body [drinking, smoking, eating, etc]? I think this exchange bears a closer look because embedded within it are important questions about the individual and the marriage. let each have its say. Get to know these conflicting facets of yourself. Get on a first name basis with all that's in you. You'll be rewarded with the strength and flexibility that comes with any exercised system, the suppleness and grace that is gained from using your selves more fully. The next steps involve periodically doing some things that you would never do. You don't have to risk your life or do something that would jeopardize everything you've worked for, but do try something unusual, something out of character. Nutty things are good to start with. Talk to yourself out loud (crazy gibberish is all the better - babble, mutter, scream). Unlock the closets in your head. If you don't like to appear foolish or absurd, try purposefully looking foolish. We generally know how to behave when we see something coming. But what about all the unguarded interpersonal moments that aren't marked down on our schedules? The annoying colleague, noisy neighbor, rude customer, angry client, distressed child, or disappointed spouse who unexpectedly demand attention when we're neither prepared nor in the best shape to respond well? If the moment materializes at the wrong time of day, we may be operating under depletion's influence - and regret it. That's the paradox: We need help when we're least likely to get it. Our environment is loaded with surprises that trigger odd, unfamiliar responses from us. We end up behaving against our interests.

Quite often, we don't even realize it. We lack the structural tools to handle bewildering interpersonal challenges. (If only there were an app for that - a ringing tone on our smartphone alerting us, Things are about to get testy. Rather, they touch me deeply. They are not locked away in the basement. I feel their realness--and thereby I feel my own realness. As you think about your current relational field, who is it, I wonder, who really sees you at this time in your life? Keep in mind that it is very unlikely that there is anyone who sees the whole of you, but there will doubtless be some who see important parts of you with great accuracy. Do you avoid these friends, anxious about hearing their truths, or do you move toward them, toward their honesty? Do you encourage those who recognize you to share what they see? Have you learned, yet, how to use your mirrors, and their priceless reflections? And do you acknowledge to them how important their mirroring is? Remember: naming and claiming every mechanism of friendship only serves to strengthen it and its salutary effect. It's true that decisions about one's body are one's own. Adults' attempts to manage other adults' bodies range from patronizing to controlling to perverse to downright sadistic. In a marriage, respecting the other person's autonomy in decisions concerning his own body is basic. But how a given partner manages his body will have effects on his partner, and those effects will have to be honestly dealt with if alienation is to be avoided. Sometimes, in exchanges like the one just described, the partner who attempts to tactfully broach the awkward topic is voicing concerns that are actually shared by the target partner. The target partner's indignation, while a valid defense of bodily autonomy, operates as a deflector, converting into an argument about insensitivity or intrusion what could more profitably be understood as a sad, scary discussion about vulnerable feelings. Being mad instead of sad is one common way we deal with a lack of control and a sense of failure, feelings that often accompany destructive physical habits.