Survival of the Fittest: Yes, but What Is Fittest?

However, they will also draw out their sentences far longer to give factual explanations for whatever it is that you are accusing them of, using more complex terminology than they would use in normal conversation. A person who is lying often talks about other people and gives you samples of someone else or their friend who was in a particular situation. This diverts the attention from themselves and puts your attention on someone else or something else. This lets the person who is lying relinquish their accountability to the lie. There are proven ways to detect lies, and there are unproven ways to detect lies. If we could honestly know for sure, 100% that there is proof in any theory, society would look a lot different. Looking for 100 ways to tell if someone is lying, is in itself disingenuous, the best we can do is understand that there are probable likelihoods that someone is lying. In fact we may actually be lying when we say we can tell someone is lying by some notion that we can tell that they are lying. Don't imply or even hint that your spouse has ulterior motives or isn't trustworthy. He or she will turn you off if you do. Any attempts to make your partner feel guilty will come back to haunt you. Your purpose is to resolve. Choose an attitude that says you will resolve the issue and there will be a positive result eventually. If your partner voices attacking, personal comments, don't invest your time and energy in responding to them. Let them slide, and keep on target. If you make a generalization or embellish the facts (lie a bit), stop at once and correct yourself. Use statements such as, I'm sorry, what I really meant to say and what is more factual is . Whenever you realize that your statements are not what is best, correct yourself and admit to what you have done. Empathy: Helping to Benefit Others According to Daniel Batson's empathy-altruism model (Batson et al.

But this rational approach to helping applies only to situations in which people feel no real connection to another person. When your next-door neighbor is stressed out over moving, you might pitch in and pack a few boxes because you have the afternoon free and you know you would feel guilty if you didn't. But you might not skip your favorite class or switch a shift at work to load her things onto a moving van--unless, that is, you feel a true sense of empathy for her situation. When a person empathizes with another person who is suffering or in need of help, he or she takes the perspective of that person and may even vicariously experience the pain, confusion, and other negative states that person might be feeling. If your neighbor is moving out because of a difficult breakup, the type you've experienced yourself, you might be able to easily imagine what she is going through and even feel her sadness. If this is the case, your motivation for stuffing dishes into boxes of packing peanuts might be to reduce her sense of suffering. Thus, Batson has argued that the road to true altruism is paved with empathy. More precisely, the capacity for empathy allows people to understand someone else's distress, and when they empathize with another's plight, they offer to lend a hand, regardless of their selfish interests. It's easy to tell when some people are lying, you know the old saying about politicians right? You know they are lying when their lips are moving. Well, for the rest of us it's not so easy. When they say, I can tell someone is lying because of the body language. Body language can be used to tell someone is lying only 54% of the time. What that means 46% of the time we are wrong about body language being an indicator of lying. So when you say you can tell someone is lying by their body language, you might be lying, or, you might simply be incorrect. Are you willing to sway the jury on such shaky ground? Micro-expressions. Signs of distress in the face and eyes can be indications of lying under some circumstances. It's all right to say, I was wrong in what I said; I was trying to get back at you because .

I admit I was trying to hurt you and I am sorry; I was upset at something else and I took it out on you. Don't give ultimatums during your discussion. Even if one is needed, this is not the best time, and it reflects a control issue or power struggle. Ultimatums rarely work. Now it's up to you to list three other guidelines that you feel would be positive and helpful. If you want this list of guidelines to work, read the list out loud every day for three weeks and you will find yourself changing. The wise King Solomon reminds us that controlling our anger makes good sense: Good sense makes a man restrain his anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression or an offense (Prov. Empathy-altruism model The idea that the reason people help others depends on how much they empathize with them. When empathy is low, people help others when benefits outweigh costs; Is this true? Research shows that empathy can be an emotionally powerful experience. When people vicariously feel another person's emotion, their brains show activation in the same areas that are activated when they themselves feel the same emotion (de Vignemont & Singer, 2006; Preston & de Waal, 2002). What's more, studies show strong correlations between empathy and helping. For example, people are particularly likely to help others whom they feel similar to and like, especially those who seem to see the world the same way (Huneke & Pinel, 2016). These feelings of similarity make it easier to empathize with others (Batson et al. Eyes darting back and forth to avoid eye contact. Eyes moving around means that the person wants to leave, they do not want to be in the situation you have them in and they are uncomfortable.

They either simply dislike you or they are uncomfortable with themselves in that moment, and that might be lying. More eye contact than normal. Sometimes liars know that avoiding eye contact is seen as a symptom of lying, so they make MORE eye contact than a person normally does, just to disguise it. If they are staring at you like a weirdo, they are most probably lying. Eyes looking up and to the right in a right-handed person, and eyes looking up and to the left in a left-handed person is a sign that they are trying to make stuff up as they go along. Think about writing stories in creative writing class. Where do your eyes go when you are dreaming something up? Look for that in them. Living with Our Emotions Anger will always be a part of even the healthiest of interpersonal relationships. The more intimate the relationship, the more possibility of hurt, which can lead to anger. People are afraid of anger because they fear the hurt it can bring. Anger expressed straight-out is better than anger camouflaged. Openly sharing your anger is different than being an angry person. When expressed in a healthy, non-insulting way, anger is acceptable. I've seen some men and women who were so uneasy with their anger that it came out as laughter--usually a nervous laugh--and then an attempt to withdraw from the other person. These people are not comfortable with their own anger and can't trust themselves enough to state in a factual way how they are feeling. Much of the time their fear of expression is the fear of conflict. Coke et al. Also, do you remember how exposure to prosocial media, such as helping-oriented video games, can promote prosocial behavior?

Follow-up research points to empathy as the key factor explaining this effect (Prot et al. The more adolescents and young adults engaged with prosocial movies, TV shows, and video games, the more empathy they felt for others and, as a result, the more likely they were to help others. Indeed, this finding held true for men and women of all ages and across seven different countries. And it's not just empathy for people's suffering that predicts prosocial behavior. Being able to share in other people's joys and successes is also linked to a stronger desire to help (Morelli et al. Thus, empathy is a powerful spur to prosocial behavior. But remember that the empathy-altruism model makes a stronger claim: Empathy will encourage helping even when the costs to the helper are high. Batson and colleagues thus designed a series of studies to test whether people who felt empathy for another person in need would be equally likely to help regardless of the costs of helping. Eyebrows point upwards, causing wrinkles. This is a sign of someone who is not a good liar at all, they make a sign with their forehead that says oops! A furrowed brow, showing an angry face because they are offended about being asked the question in the first place. How dare you ask me if I took all the cookies. A red nose and cheeks, indicating blood flow to the face is a sign of anxiousness. Many things cause anxiousness, like being the victim of rapid questioning, commonly referred to as the third degree. Are you going to trust stress indicators when you are giving someone the third degree? If you are speaking to them normally, and they are acting like that, then you have a case that they are lying. More than usual eye blinking is an indicator of lying. So is trying to remember something. Recently, I heard someone say that more marriages today are dying from silence than from violence. Repressed feelings.