The Power to Dismiss Discontentment From Your Life

Don't say anything about yourself. STEP OUTSIDE OF FAILURE When we feel insecure--we aren't where we want to be in our careers, our relationships, or in reference to other milestones we've set for ourselves--either the ego comes to our defense or our self-esteem plummets. Either way, it's all about us. In Care of the Soul, psychotherapist and former monk Thomas Moore writes, Being literally undone by failure is akin to `negative narcissism. This research, conducted in 2010, is by the Finnish social anthropologist Minna Ruckenstein and it involves group discussions with young children at nurseries in Helsinki. But what those transcripts reveal is that these days pre-schoolers seem well aware that you get money through working and then you exchange it for food and other items in shops. Indeed when a few children in the groups suggested that you could obtain money by buying things, others soon corrected them. Generally these young children were also able to explain the purpose of piggy banks, cash machines and high-street banks. What they really liked was finding what they called `free money' around the house, but even then they knew it hadn't just appeared magically, that it must belong to someone. The children in Ruckenstein's study knew so much about the idea of saving money, of only buying what they could afford, and not wasting money on things they didn't need, that they were annoyed when they were asked about it. One child even refused to respond to questions about saving because the answers were so obvious, saying: `Do you have some other questions? Not surprisingly, the main source of the children's information on money was their parents. Ruckenstein found that some parents actively taught their children how not to spend - in other words to exercise the self-restraint the children in the play economy had found so difficult. The huge influence of parents might explain why the young children in Ruckenstein's study seemed more clued up about the source of money than the kids in Berti and Bombi's studies. Don't run from the fear; The chances of solving a problem are greatly enhanced by accurately defining the problem. Fear of a failed business and fear of an entire life wasted are two very different problems. With the accurate information--the truth about Matthew's fear--Matthew and I were able to use the next two letters in our acronym map to free him to make decisions based on his business intelligence and his true desires. Matthew further explored his deep fears of being alone and wasting his life.

By realizing that these fears originated in some childhood experiences, he was able to accept that his Bully was threatening him with outdated fears, and he was able to respond to the Bully's neurotic fear by disagreeing with the premise that even in a worst-case scenario--a failed business--he would not have to be alone and his life would not be wasted. Matthew was able to proceed with the creation of his new business, fully aware that his Bully would be attempting to sabotage his efforts by threatening Matthew with some of his worst fears. When you identify and keep moving toward neurotic fears, you accomplish two things. First, you minimize the chances of a successful surprise attack from the Bully, since you are keeping the light of awareness shining on his scowling face. And, second, you reduce the Bully's credibility when you step forward, look him squarely in the eye, and say, Okay, you have my full attention. In August 2014, the American Journal of Psychiatry published a ten-article study entitled, Gray Matter Abnormalities in Childhood Maltreatment. Included in the report was the following: Modern neuroimaging methods such as MRI have revealed smaller volumes in several brain regions in individuals exposed to childhood maltreatment relative to unexposed comparison subjects, including the prefrontal cortex, hippocampus, amygdala, anterior cingulate cortex, corpus callosum, and cerebellum, suggesting that fronto-limbic areas may be the most compromised. The findings thus demonstrate that childhood maltreatment is associated with abnormalities in the right orbitofrontaltemporolimbic regions that form the paralimbic system, which is known to be implicated in affect and motivational processing and the self-regulation of social-emotional behaviors. Martin Teicher, Ph. In 2012, Dr Teicher and his colleagues at McLean Hospital, a psychiatric facility affiliated with Harvard, conducted human brain imaging studies to see if there were brain changes in those who had been abused by their parents in their early years. Their discoveries were groundbreaking. The studies showed that adults who had been neglected or abused as children showed approximately a six percent volume reduction in three important areas of the hippocampus when compared to those who had never experienced childhood maltreatment. The hippocampus is a small organ, located in the medial temporal lobe, that is implicated in memory and interpreting environmental contexts. It forms the part of the limbic system that regulates emotions. By appreciating failure with imagination, we reconnect it to success. Without the connection, work falls into grand narcissistic fantasies of success and dismal feelings of failure. Humility comes from accepting where you are without seeing it as a reflection of who you are. Then you can use your imagination to find success. Sara Blakely wanted to go to law school, but despite taking the exam twice, she didn't pull the LSAT scores she wanted.

Instead of becoming an attorney, she spent seven years going door-to-door selling fax machines, but she never forgot what her father taught her. Every night at their dining room table, her dad would ask her and her brother not What did you do at school today? Failing meant they were trying, and that was more important than the immediate result. When Sara got an idea to start her own company, she knew the only failure would be if she didn't try, so she took $5,000 of her own money and started the business that just fifteen years later would make her a billionaire--Spanx. So often we don't take chances because we fear failure, and that often boils down to a fear of our egos getting hurt. Remember the latter pair was doing their research in Italy back in the 1980s, when fewer women would have been out at work and more would have been caring for children at home. These days, both parents (especially in a country like Finland) are likely to work. And when little children ask the question: `Why do you have to go out to work, Mummy? So children acquire most of their knowledge from their parents. But how exactly? Mostly through observation. They see the frequency with which their parents buy or deny themselves the things they want. They repeatedly witness their parents selecting certain brands, or going to different shops for bargains. They watch the way they weigh up price and value. This process of acquiring financial knowledge and developing attitudes toward money is known as financial socialisation. Tell me again about all the bad stuff that is going to happen to me if I don't listen to you. Be sure to make it sound real scary. When I am paying attention, as my little voice tells me to do, every single person with whom I work has something to teach me. Matthew's story is a good example of knowing when the best strategy is to look straight through our fears, challenge their credibility, and allow our diminishing belief in them to destroy their power over us. At other times, the fear encountered is not an empty threat, but is instead completely legitimate.

This was never more true than the two years I spent learning valuable lessons about life, and about death, with a remarkable woman named Kirby. Out here, in the so-called real world, to the untrained eye I was a psychotherapist and Kirby was my client. I was the shop owner and she was the customer. And in all the official, appropriate ways, it remained so--from beginning to end. In the real real world, the grayer territory located much closer to the truth, our roles were not so easily defined. Dr Gail Gross wrote in her March 19, 2013, Academia article, Effects of Stress on the Hippocampus, Everything we learn, everything we read, everything we do, everything we understand, and everything we experience count on the hippocampus to function correctly. Hippocampus cells contain an unusually large number of neuron receptors that respond to the stress hormone cortisol. When children are abused their brains are flooded with toxic levels of cortisol. The stress regulation method of the brain responds by suppressing the action neurotransmitters have on the hippocampus which can lead to reduced hippocampal volume. My explanations of brain physiology are just layman interpretations of the studies I have read. I do not claim to be an expert, or anything close to one, on this topic. My intention in providing this information is to give you food for thought--further insight into the effects narcissistic child abuse may have had on you. If you would like to know more I encourage you to do your own research. I'll leave you with the following statement made by Dr Martin Teicher: Our brains are sculpted by our early experiences. If we can get past the idea that we'll break if everything doesn't go our way immediately, our capabilities expand exponentially. My own version of Blakely's revelation came in London, a week or so after I'd left the ashram. I had believed that my dharma was to serve as a monk, spreading wisdom and aid. Now, back at my childhood home, I don't want to settle for a lower purpose. What can I do?

Our family is not well off. I can't just relax and wait for answers to come to me. I am scared, nervous, anxious. All the things that I've been trained not to be rush back at me. One night, washing the dishes after dinner, I look out the window above the sink. Active discussion of money matters is much rarer. Research shows that many children reach adulthood without any idea what their parents earn or what savings they might have. Some therapists have found that couples would rather discuss their sex lives or even their infidelities than discuss their finances. THE POWER OF POCKET MONEY For most of us, our first introduction to the concept of having our own money to manage is through pocket money. In the UK, for example, research has shown that most children get some sort of pocket money or allowance, however poor their parents might be. Indeed a study by the influential London-based psychologist Adrian Furnham has found that low-income families tend to give their children proportionately more money than middle-income families. His study also found that pocket money rises fastest between the ages of seven and ten, and slowest between the ages of 15 and 18. Furnham's study also showed that middle-income parents were more likely to make their children work for their allowance, an interesting finding given that these parents could afford to be more generous without expecting any help around the house in return. Though maybe parents in households where there is more money available feel that it is more important to emphasise the message that money doesn't grow on trees. Sometimes Kirby was the therapist and I was the client. Sometimes I was the student, sometimes she was. But most of the time Kirby and I were classmates, lab partners. Her cancer was the real teacher. There were times when it felt as though I was the one facing death, and in a way I was--admittedly from a much safer distance than Kirby.