The Trust Mindset - Trust in yourself. You need to believe in your capabilities because no one else can do it for you. If you don't trust that you have it in you to do what it takes to succeed, then nothing is ever going to change. That trust in yourself needs to be so strong that it can overcome the negative inner monologue that wants to be in control. Don't expect your family members to take the initiative. How you act when faced with challenging situations is how you will pave the way ahead. Along the route, you may find yourself becoming the one who handles conflict and solves problems. The second principle, involvement without meddling, is just as important for redefining your relationships. Involvement is an expression of interest, care and consideration about what is happening in the lives of others. It lets your significant others know just how much they mean to you, that they are not alone in facing the issues life throws up, and that you care. Meddling on the other hand is perhaps best defined as interfering with other people's business. If nothing else, your awareness of your changed position within the family circle should dissuade you from intruding in your children's lives. Letting go will enable you to deal with family tensions and disputes in a non-judgmental manner, while still being fully involved in family affairs. Disputes and disagreements are commonplace in extended families, each side convinced that their solution is the correct one. Instead, you get stuck in the self-defeating mindset that will continue to hold you back. This is why it is essential to immediately put the 4-step courage cycle in motion as soon as your negative emotions rise after an obstacle has struck back. The faster you get to step 1 or the willingness stage, the better you be able to handle the heartbreak you are feeling and learn and become stronger because of it. This is imperative because in most letdowns there is priceless information to be learned that can help prevent you from making the same mistakes again, and also to see relevant insights aiding you to get past the hump of the setback. The cure for your pain is in the pain. However, it is very difficult to see opportunities for growth from your problems while you are still suffering from disappointment.
When you are willing to experience the unpleasant feelings and thoughts, you will stop being so resistant to learning. Only then will you see the whole picture and discover the valuable lessons, wisdom and even solutions that you missed because your pain has staggered you. The key is shifting your focus on what you have lost to what you can learn from the experience. This sounds difficult to do, but it really isn't. Anger is probably not something you want to tap forever, but it helped me have success when every day I felt like I was teetering on failure. Like nerves, anger is an energy source. And like nervous energy, it can be harnessed to fuel the concentration, commitment, and physical endurance that performance always requires. Nerves, as I've shown, can power great performances. Anger, I can demonstrate, can be the leverage you use to vault yourself back into action. When I first came to New York, I worked with an opera singer who simply could not get to first base. He'd lost audition after audition, and with each setback, his anger and frustration mounted, until by the time I met him, he was ready to explode. I didn't question the source of his anger; I put it to use. Instead of telling him to park it, I had him focus on it. Her delight was a private, meticulous, and silent thing, but her quick, dark flares of dislike were loud. She wasn't sold on eating the cone and wouldn't be pushed. At twenty months old, she was already a person with her own perspective and store of knowledge. One day, I challenged it. No one had tried the rope swing yet, but it looked good to me. The seat was level, and the drop below the branch sufficient.
It reminded me of the swings I'd loved as a teen in Vermont when we jumped from a high bank and twirled way out over the freezing Connecticut River. I took hold of the swing, ran toward open air, and flung myself on. Hattie, in John's arms, screamed. The Mama she knew in Hong Kong was extremely cautious. Never give up on yourself; you have more to give than you think you do. The Patience Mindset - There's a very fine line that separates standing still and moving forward in life. Being patient doesn't mean you remain stagnant. It means you wait until the most opportune moment to make your move when the time is right. The Courage Mindset - Dealing with anxiety means you spend most of your time being afraid. Fear may be part of being human, but so is courage. After all, the fight in the fight or flight response implies that it takes courage to stand up and face your fears. You've got both these response possibilities within you, which means you're just as capable of both. It's now a matter of developing that courageous mindset, so that is the one that wins at the end of the day. Once you've let go of meddling, you are well placed to become an arbiter who comes up with a creative, third solution that no one had considered. With your life experience and accumulated wisdom, you are in a good position to maintain empathy for all family members equally, always with their best interests at heart. Interacting with your grandchildren has many benefits. The most obvious one is your contribution of time: you free up their parents' time, and the grandkids enjoy the release of being (temporarily) free of parental discipline. Another obvious benefit is the mutual enjoyment experienced by grandparents and grandchildren who get to spend time with each other. However, interaction with grandchildren has a further benefit for people undergoing the individuation process of the wisdom years.
Engaging with your grandchildren through playing and talking will reveal new ways of enriching the process which you are undergoing. As you observe closely how they think, play and do things, you will learn from the evidence of their thought processes -- their natural use of emotional, preformal thinking to grasp the essence of anything new they encounter, as well as the way they project non-trivial associations to build and enrich their internal world. 2 Do it soon, before they grow up! When you approach the setback with the attitude of a learner, your subconscious will pick up information that you normally would have passed over. Much of the knowledge will be more like clues and just bits of broken information. At first, none of it will be obvious. Most of it will feel disjointed, but once you start connecting the dots, you will see it is a blessing in disguise. When you make connections between previously unrelated thoughts and accumulate more knowledge, the pieces of the puzzle will fit together allowing you to decipher the message in your suffering. No pain comes without a purpose and you must believe there is always value in the setback no matter how painful it is. In fact, the more it hurts you, the more it will teach you; the more you suffer; the stronger you will become. The writing is always on the wall during a misfortune. I taught him to center; the process cue he chose, which I supported, was fuck you. He imagined himself saying this to the audition panel as he introduced himself, and again right before he started to sing. He blew them away with his power. And he got the job. Since then, I've come to help others utilize their anger and tap its power.
The trick is to plant it in your center like a battery--as though you were the Energizer Bunny. Write down a list of petty annoyances and legitimate angers. (Steer clear of inventorying out-and-out rage. ) So who was this other woman with the grin, throwing her body around in the air? Hattie cried to see her, and in a moment I stopped. But not before I'd felt that other woman surging back into my body, flooding it with joy. John's frequent work travel did have one advantage: he had become an airport rock star with points galore. We waited for our return flight in the Qantas business-class lounge. Why did that vacation feel more like real life than my real life does? I asked aloud, not really of John. Hattie was standing behind me on my chair, watching takeoffs through a window. I guess it's just when you've been away from it for a while, I went on, this whole thing . I waved my hand around at the leather seats and three-foot flower arrangements, the men in blazers talking into cell phones, the women in pretty blouses tending children with matching suitcases, it feels weird. Like the muscles in your body, courage is something that needs to be exercised to grow stronger, and it is one of the reasons they encourage those struggling to overcome their anxieties to face their fears instead of running from them. The Learner's Mindset - Almost every experience in life is a lesson, even the defeats that you go through. Remember that the Growth Mindset always views circumstances and situations as a lesson to be learned from. In every setback, there is a lesson waiting to be learned. If you can cultivate the learner's mindset, that's when real growth can begin to happen. If you're willing and determined to keep learning, nothing can stand in your way.