Thursday, 11 June 2020

Help people that need help

It doesn't matter if he has kids of his own or not, she says. I see the man I will settle down with as someone ready for a real partnership where we take on everything life throws at us, together. Who do you want to invite into your life? As you start to think about the person you will date after yourself, make a list of the qualities you're looking for in a partner. Be the kind of partner you want to attract. You like men who are active? Tie on your own sneakers and make breaking a sweat a regular part of your life. Prefer men who are confident? If one can give the person what she wants in an appropriate and safe manner, this should be done. If one cannot meet the need directly then it may be possible to use a substitute. A substitute need may be appropriate because the person's specific request (eg to see deceased husband) may reflect a more general need (eg feeling lonely). The latter need is obviously more easily met via providing companionship. Alternatively, the person can be helped to talk about their original need to feel understood and accepted. The carer should attempt to shift the person's need via distraction. It is hoped that through careful questioning and communication, the person will develop a new interest or desire, and forget the previous `problematic' one. Meet the need via the use of an `untruth'. The contents of the deception should be wholly consistent with the person's biography. Using the Needs Hierarchy, one first tries to discover what the person wants, such as a drink or to go to the toilet, and then simply fulfil the person's wish. Continuing to use, even when you know you have a physical or psychological problem that could have been caused or made worse by the substance. Needing more of the substance to get the effect you want (tolerance).

Development of withdrawal symptoms, which can be relieved by taking more of the substance. Informally we tend to reserve the term for undesirable behaviors, although that's not truly required. The core elements of addiction are a need for the thing in question, symptoms of withdrawal from the thing, and tolerance to the thing (ie, the more you get the more you need/want) . We certainly need food and have withdrawal symptoms from it, ranging from mild hunger to death from starvation. The only potential controversy would involve tolerance -- but it has long been clear that taste buds learn to love the foods they are with and want more of them. The sweeter diets become, the more sugar people tend to prefer. The saltier diets become, the more salt people tend to prefer. The spicier diets become, the more spice people tend to prefer. Guess what--they prefer women who are confident, too. Do you enjoy being with someone who gets out in the world and engages in interesting activities, like hiking, photography, travel, or wine tasting? When is the last time you tried something new? The shift for me was to stop looking for someone else to make everything okay, says Suzanne. Another person is someone to enjoy, not someone to make me whole, because I already am. Suzanne likes to remember the words of a friend who told her that a relationship with a man is the icing on the cake--but you're the cake. You bring your best self to the party and don't need him to rescue you. He's extra sweetness in your already happy life. The author gives some tips on how to overcome the fear of being alone so we can embrace this time. She proposes using your alone time to develop skills and hobbies that will enrich your life. In trying to determine the person's needs, we must look at the context: what the person is saying and their emotions in addition to the behaviour. We may discover that the person's request is a means of getting something else.

For example, a woman sitting in her room constantly shouting for her deceased husband may really want the company of others. Assisting her to go into the communal room may resolve the shouting. If we cannot provide the person with her request, we must negotiate and see what can be done that will be an acceptable substitute. We may also try to validate the person's thinking and try to understand the reasons behind the current requests rather than addressing the content of their speech directly (Feil, 1993). If this does not work we may use distraction methods, and if all else fails we may have to employ a therapeutic lie as a last resort. The use of therapeutic lies will be discussed in more detail in article 6. O'Connor and colleagues (2017) have provided a number of case studies on the use of the Needs Hierarchy in care home settings. A recent survey on the phenomenon of time shifting has shown it to be very common in 24-hour care settings (Gibbons, Keddie and James, 2018) and carers are communicating with people who are time shifted on a daily basis. Accordingly, food seems to fire on all three of addiction's main cylinders. I suspect no one would be impressed to learn that while just about all human beings like food, we don't all get exactly the same quantity of pleasure from exactly the same foods. In fact, this statement is practically self-evident and consequently trivial. It isn't much less so to note that those who like food the most may be more prone to weight gain and obesity. Enter the power of categorization. If we divide people into categories of more and less sensitive to the pleasures of food, and find a higher prevalence of the more sensitives among the overweight, it seems to suggest a great mystery has been resolved. The technique of categorization tends to add drama to what might otherwise be mundane. We are unimpressed to know that some people have more sensitive taste buds than others -- how could it be otherwise? But categories of taste sensitivity suggest answers to such irrepressible questions as: why me? Change a continuous scale of human attributes to discrete categories, and it sounds as if fate or genes are conspiring against some of us unfairly. In this thoughtful and practical article, she asks deeper questions such as how we have arrived in a culture that values individualism but at the same time is terrified of solitude. This occasionally raunchy, often hilarious comedy set against the backdrop of NYC features an eclectic group of women and men who are all single for different reasons and follows them as they look for fun and new relationships.

As the poet Rumi said, The wound is the place where light enters you. If you look for them, the lessons from your divorce, and the enlightenment that follows, are there for you. Each one of the women in our circle can name things they are thankful for that are a direct result of their separation or divorce process. What can you name as benefits of your relationship with your ex and your divorce? She showed her daughter that she could weather heartache and grow through it. I wish I'd known how powerful repeating positive affirmations would be. All through the day, I would say, `You are doing a great job, Gina. A lot of what is most beautiful about the world arises from struggle. A detailed account of time shifting has been written by Mackenzie, Smith and James (2015), and a DVD providing case studies is also available (Mackenzie and James, 2010). We have all experienced a phenomenon known as the Zeigarnik effect, which is the tendency for things we have planned to do to keep popping into our head until the action has been completed. This is sometimes also called a feeling of knowing. The Zeigarnik effect is very common in PWD because of their STM problems that we discussed earlier. Hence, PWD cannot always remember whether they have either completed the task they had intended to do, or been given information about a question they had asked. The result of this problem can be repetitive questioning because they cannot remember the response given to them five minutes ago. Carers report this as a frustrating issue and describe it like listening to a `broken repetitive record'. Connect/reconnect to the person to show that you are attending fully to them. Ensure the person is feeling relaxed and secure. If you repeat the query, the person then knows you have understood it correctly (eg `I see, you want to know where your daughter is'). Declare that some are addiction prone and others not, and again, we have the inequities of unkind fate to deal with. But in reality, this is garden-variety human variation for the most part.

We vary in hair color, eye color, height, running ability, jumping ability, musicality and IQ. We are all a lot alike, but we differ across a range for every trait we own -- including the pleasure we get from food. Categorization gets in the way of understanding the addictive properties of food. Categories require that some of us be addicted to food and others not; This kind of thinking propagates the debate: can food be addictive? Allow for the fact that there is variability in our vulnerability to the allures of food, as there is variability in all other human traits, and both the pop-culture drama of this topic, and perhaps the debate itself, are defused. Of course food can be addictive. The real question is: why is anything else (other than sex)? You have likely discovered that there's a direct correlation between the speed at which word spreads around town about your split and the rate at which your social currency drops from dollars to pennies. Our friends and neighbors didn't quite know what to do with us. Some kept a safe distance, in case what we had was contagious. Others stopped inviting us into their homes, imagining that we were desperately seeking a new man, any man, even their man. We found married men came out of the woodwork thinking we would be interested; Iris remembers one cookout where a married female friend, upon walking into the kitchen and seeing Iris and the friend's hubby getting items out of the refrigerator, chided, Oh no! Stay outside where I can keep an eye on you. Gossip has momentum, and as a result the first thing some people in town will think when they see you is divorced. Suzanne recalls being approached by a mom acquaintance while waiting to pick up her son at school. Tell me how you did it, the woman said in hushed tones. Provide the most acceptable response/answer to the question (eg `Your daughter has gone to the shops, she will be back at 2pm'). Respond using a number of modalities (auditory, visual and tactile) to reinforce information you are giving.

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