Worrying about everything

Dr Matt had assigned a 30-minute walk after she had completed the letter. She popped on her earbuds so she could listen to a playlist Ashley had shared with her, then slipped on her workout clothes and headed out the door, feeling fatigued and light at the same time. (Note: Felicia's Playlist is on our website. ) Observers would have witnessed a young woman speed-walking toward the nearby park, but Felicia fairly floated in her mind, carried by the celebratory thought of, I did it! Before she knew it, she found herself in a jog, which she held for about 3 minutes. Lighter, that's what it feels like. She visualized herself as strong and lean and recalled herself as El Viento, the name she'd been given as a youngster, when she ran like The Wind. It is something terrible that the narcissist is doing purposefully to their victim. That said, how the victim deals with that abuse is the key to whether the narcissist is set back on their heels or the victim goes on suffering and eventually develops narcissistic abuse syndrome. Later on, we'll give you tips on getting out of one of these abusive relationships. In the meantime, however, let's look at what not to do: Never Try to Appease the Narcissist. It didn't work for Neville Chamberlain, with Hitler in 1938, and it won't work for you because all you are doing is empowering the narcissist, who will see you as weak and will use the opportunity to exert more control. Forget Pleading with the Narcissist. Pleading just shows you as weak and the narcissist is likely to react with disdain and contempt. If You Withdraw, Keep it Short. You may need to temporarily withdraw to give you some breathing space in which to collect yourself, to get your thoughts and emotions in line, but it is not a long-term solution. To achieve this, Mark Antony will speak last, after Brutus, already knowing what he said in his defense. When Marc Anthony begins his speech, he, contrary to the expectations of the public, agrees with the general opinion and calls Brutus a worthy husband.

It is only after this that Mark Anthony resorts to rhetoric--when everyone is sure that he thinks the same way they do. In his speech, he uses clever tricks that convince listeners that this is still a murder and the criminal must be convicted. Begin it immediately with the charges, no one would listen to him, but Mark Antony was smart enough, to bring everything to a successful moment. Today Mark Antony would have had a black belt in aikido, and Shakespeare, who wrote this play, would have become a successful politician. Let's summarize. You do not need to compromise your own principles when practicing mental aikido. You do not need to lie. Rapport must be built on honesty. The 30-minute walk turned into a 45-minute workout as she approached her cottage-like rented home. She saw her cousin's car next to hers and glanced inside it, expecting to see Heather at the wheel, but no one was there. Then she remembered that her cousin had probably entered through the back door, and the horrifying thought flashed in her mind: The notearticle! Heather might read it! Felicia's hand shook as she inserted her key into the front doorknob, and her worst fear was realized when she charged inside, immediately focused on the table, and saw that the notearticle--the letter! --was open. Heather was weeping over it. Felicia's dog, Bella, seemed torn between whether to greet her newly returned mistress or maintain vigil over the broken-hearted woman at the table. Felicia lurched toward her cousin, swooned, and fainted, just missing the sharp corner of the end table in the living room. She awoke to Bella licking her still-sweaty arms. Fighting with Facts Doesn't Work. Facts don't mean anything to your narcissistic abuser.

Their sole interest is in justifying themselves and their position. It doesn't matter how right you are, how solid your evidence is, the facts you present will be twisted, denied or ignored and you'll be left fatigued, damaged, and victimized even more. Don't Explain and Don't Defend. Like fighting, it's pointless. If you go beyond a simple denial of the narcissist's ridiculous claims against you, you just give them fodder to dig into you even further. It's as if you've given them permission to judge you. Don't Look for Understanding. You might think that if the narcissist could only understand where you are coming from, things would be different. Finding a point of contact is usually easy, but there are exceptions. For example, public debates require political opponents to exchange views, not compromise. If your views on one subject are radically different, then I advise you to find something in which you nevertheless agree. If this is not possible, then use the technique that I have already described: If I were you, I would have thought the same thing. Moreover, it will be true because if you were a different person, you would have thought differently. If someone bursts into the room, punches the table, and shouts: It's disgusting! --you have no choice but to get up from the chair, hit the table with a cup or fist and exclaim, I agree! I understand you! If I were you, I would also say: this is disgusting! At this moment you are copying the body language, tone of voice and rhythm of the enemy. Emotions and feelings are the conscious experience that one is most aware of when dealing with stressful events: anxiety, fear, shame, anger, worry, and doubt, to name but a few.

All too often, victims of trauma have difficulty experiencing these strong feelings without triggering unhealthy avoidance and/or escape behavior referred to in the previous pieces of writing of this article. A significant part of recovery from trauma comes from improvement in recognizing and controlling these feeling-experiences. Hunter turning up drunk to Group showed how poorly he was dealing with the depression caused by the miserable state of his life. He wanted relief so much that he showed up to his therapy group in a highly intoxicated state of incoherent pain. Hunter was misery, personified. Jake discovered that the source of his anxiety could be the expectation that he will be imperfect, causing him to withdraw from major aspects of his life. Part of the reason Felicia has been stuck in the trauma process could be that she has not been in touch with angry feelings toward the perpetrator of her abuse. While cognitive distortions and erroneous beliefs may have a large part in causing us to have certain emotions, the emotional experiences must be dealt with. If you were dealing with a normal individual then you'd have a point, but you're not. Your narcissist doesn't actually want to understand you. They just want to win and maintain a position of superiority. Like explaining yourself and fighting with facts, you are just opening yourself up to more pain and manipulation. Remember, the more information about yourself you give the narcissist, the more ammunition they have to use against you. Don't Criticize or Threaten the Narcissist. You have to remember that narcissistic abusers are, for all their bluster and arrogance, very fragile and insecure. They are the perfect examples of people who can dish it out but can't take it. Criticism and threats will just escalate things by making them angry, vindictive, even violent. Don't Get Caught Up in Denial or Rationalization. Then you need to gradually lower your voice. You can sit on the edge of the table and say: But you know, I think we can solve this issue.

You begin to bring the interlocutor to the idea that you want to impress on him, at the same time laying the foundations for the successful completion of the conflict. In addition, it is a great way to calm an angry opponent. The angry person is looking for resistance, an enemy to whom he can turn all his (or her) anger, pin to the wall and continue to get angry. A way to calm him down has been shown to you. Your goal, as in establishing rapport, is to make the other believe that you understand him, that you think the same thing--that is you are the same as he. Only then will he want to hear your suggestions. Just seeing that you share common views, he will want to listen to you, and then consider that rapport between you is already established. If I were you, I would have thought the same thing--what could be simpler ? Trauma victims often do this poorly, which is why skills training in emotional management includes labeling the feelings truthfully, devising ways to get through such experiences without adding great damage to oneself and one's life, and communicating carefully with others about all of these steps. Writing about fear, anger, loss, and shame can be the first step in this process. Such writing often results in what psychologists call desensitization (ie becoming more used to those feelings). Beth's first article, Courage in Patience, written as a therapeutic assignment, is an example of this. Other exposure treatments attempt to gradually increase the amount of contact victims have with scary and/or anger-inducing events. Finally, communication techniques like The Four Steps of Careful but Complete Communication, suggested to Ben, are usually needed to let others know how we feel. It should be clear that all of these therapeutic processes take place in the group sessions that Dr Matt conducts. In addition, the core individual treatment, obtained in programs like Cognitive Processing Therapy, includes heavy doses of all these methods. In the interest of providing an idea of what treatment can be like, we provide fictionalized accounts of the group members you are getting to know. We can't describe in detail the many methods of treatment used to address the problems in living that trauma victims get tangled up in, but we can present brief references to methods used by professional therapists. Many victims end up denying the abuse. They rationalize it, excuse it, minimize it, and while it might offer the victim a way to cope with the abuse, it does nothing to stop it.