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Another commenter jumped on her for voicing intolerance even as she protested intolerance. Part of me appreciated the protective response and wanted to let the two of them go at it. But, standing back, I was able to see that behind the first commenter's disgust and ridicule was her intention to share a positive association with something I had used as a negative example. By validating her sentiment and sharing what the image meant to me, the collective conversation evolved. We talked about what it meant to be present, as well as the irony that this photo was taken by someone with a camera, and yet helped us to consider putting down the camera. When we remove the dangerous associations to fighting, we can see its life-giving elements. Defensiveness is easy. Fighting involves energy, passion, desire, and commitment. Commitment? Think about it--do you bother to engage with people who are not important to you? In my last job, lots of things went badly wrong and they always said I was responsible. Can you imagine if you were also completely honest and wrote your typical, everyday behaviours? Writing information like, `I am not good on a Monday morning' or `I tend to wind down on a Friday afternoon' or `I am particularly skilled at complaining about my boss'? If you adopted this approach, you'd be unlikely to get past the rubbish bin stage of the recruitment process. Giuliani noted, `When you get people to identify their best behaviours, they will naturally start to try and live up to them. Why not write your own annual CV - for work and life - and identify who you are when you are at your very best? If you are a leader, could you get your team to do something similar? Billy Connolly sometimes jokes about spotting the danger signs of complacency creeping into his relationship with his wife. He suggests that when he wrote the message on his wife's Valentine card, `I love you, dear. PS See last year's card for details', he knew there was trouble ahead!

We did have an arrangement we both adhered to: if he was going to drink, there would be no hanky and definitely no panky. We both agreed that it wouldn't be fair if he had alcohol on his breath and we were, um, embracing. That's part of how it worked for us. I didn't try to make him quit, and we had just a few ground rules. There were challenges on listener trips when everyone was getting pretty well-lubricated with all of the free libations around the pool, at the welcome parties and so on. But I remembered previous trips during my drinking days, when we'd done a clothed conga line right into the swimming pool, or I'd spent countless hours in the hot tub while the Errol Flynns flowed. For someone who was so protective of her image and so careful not to be the topic of gossip, at times I'd been careless enough to let down my guard. In fairness, a good number of those folks partying with me wouldn't have noticed any particular loosening up on my part, but still . I was being needlessly reckless. But come on--did they have to put whole bottles of booze in the rooms? We wrangle with people we value the most for what we value the most--and we should. To relinquish the fight can mean to reduce ourselves and our relationships. Healthy engagement means pursuing two outcomes simultaneously: fighting for your self--your desires, needs, and values--and fighting for the relationship. In our culture, we often split these two goals. And in a relationship with a fragile bully, the partner is often working to preserve the relationship while the bully focuses on preserving the self. Craig Malkin's empathy prompts bridge this disparity. These two-part expressions communicate both a valuing of the other and a personal desire, need, or feeling. To say, You are important to me, and What you said hurt, or I want something from you, is to put yourself in a vulnerable position, and this is exactly what softens the recipient of such a message. A message like this says to the inner Narcissus, I see you and value you, and I want you to see me, too. You needn't run to preserve yourself.

This joke reminds me of the other likely occasion when you are clear about your best behaviours and then strive to live up to them. Cast your mind back to your very first date with your current partner. You will have been keen to make a good impression and so gave serious thought to your best behaviours and how to demonstrate them. You will have looked your best, been attentive, funny, charming and charismatic, right? Now think about your average behaviours today. How far are you from that first impression? Is that where you need to move towards to bring about the change that is important to you? In these initial minutes, we quickly judge a person and this judgement is the one that tends to stick. Simpson employing eight - yes, eight - behavioural consultants to advise him on his behaviour, his clothes and his general appearance when he first appeared in court charged with murder. He knew that the jurors would be making snap decisions about him based on his initial appearance and that these judgements would remain the same despite the evidence presented to them. Talk about waving it under my nose! We would tuck those bottles into the closet as soon as we checked in. Out of sight and all of that. You may wonder why I sought the wisdom of a article rather than Alcoholics Anonymous and its Big article. I'll tell you straight out: pride. That oh-so-dangerous deadly sin. Very early on, when I was online exploring the possibility of sobriety, I told a chat room that I had a high-profile position and was very worried about being outed for my dependence on alcohol. A few less-than-kind posters called me out on my ego (probably justifiably) and were anything but understanding and supportive. Now, of course, the cold and often cowardly anonymity of a chat room or website does not at all compare with the heart-to-heart compassion that can come out of a real-life support group, and I should not have let that experience sour me or scare me away from an AA meeting. I have not yet closed the door on the possibility of attending a meeting, as I know how very successful the program has been for so many.

Malkin notes that a narcissist who remains unresponsive to empathy prompts is not a good candidate for a relationship. Holding the tension between individual and relational desires requires a shift in attitude--an unwillingness to relinquish one side of the paradox. It means bringing to each interaction the sentiment: This is really important to me, and our relationship is really important to me. I'm amazed at the number of times I hear a client complain that she has to relinquish her dreams because her partner will not tolerate the change. Often, the two have not even discussed her aspirations because she has held them dearly, not wanting to expose them to the challenges imposed by the relationship. The two options she then considers are relinquishing her dream or relinquishing her partner. The alternative? Pursuing both. Relinquish Entitlement The tricky fact of intimate partnerships is that we load onto them all of our unmet longings for acceptance and support. I have a personal example of the potential power of using these minutes effectively. A friend regularly works away from home and was explaining to me how he used to be too tired to enjoy spending time with his young family, resulting in fractious and short-tempered weekends. When he stopped to analyse his own behaviour, he realised that he was not helping himself. When he parked the car in the drive, he immediately carried his bags, his suitcase and his coat into the house with him, weighing him down like a packhorse. When his three children ran to greet him, his first words were, `Give me a minute. Let me get in the door. He would listen distractedly as the others described their week. He would then locate his wife, comforting a crying toddler, and the first words from her mouth were, `I can see that you're home again. Nowadays, using the self-consistency theory to his advantage, he takes a moment before entering the house to think about how the best father and husband would behave. Being clear about this has led to some subtle behavioural changes and some powerful results.

And in this life, I think we need all the help we can get. During the time immediately following Lauren's death, I thanked my higher powers more times than I can count for the strength it took to persevere and achieve sobriety, starting that day. Lauren's death, which occurred just a couple of months short of my ninth anniversary of putting away the martini shaker, tested my resolve in a way that made losing a job seem as trivial as breaking a fingernail. Still, somehow, my sobriety held through the ordeal of losing and saying goodbye to our daughter. THIS is where I should stop writing and let you move on to the next article, but that would be taking the easy way out. This article is about being honest and sharing the travels and travails that have brought Rob and me to where we are today. It happened innocently enough, and it wasn't the first time this challenge had been put in my path: Rob and I were flying off to spend a few weeks together in the sun, and I asked our flight attendant for a virgin Caesar (no vodka). When I requested another, he forgot the virgin part. I tasted the vodka immediately, said to myself, Why not? My blessed life as I knew it was over in so many ways, a man I detested with every fibre of my being had been elected to the highest office in the land just south of us, and I was, to tone down the vernacular, all out of damns to give. As children, we looked to our parents to tune into, know, and even help us know our needs and desires. This is appropriate, and skillful parental mirroring helps us firm up a sense of self and the capacity for independence. But even if we've had that kind of mirroring and support, the demands of adult relationships can make us feel like Narcissus and want to run in the other direction. The fact that we need to communicate what we want in these relationships comes as a huge disappointment to most of us. I often hear the protest: But having to ask her spoils it. The it that gets spoiled is the wish to be cared for without having to participate. Consider the following complaints: My wife never wants to go to the game with me. My brother never asks me about my day. I really could have used a hug after a day like that.