Your children are being used against you by your partner

Over time, the conflict evolved from a vicious circle to a committed effort to support each other's priorities to an expanded repertoire. The good news is that repeated mistakes, whether in the same relationship or multiple ones, help us to know the thing we need to relinquish. Consider this: you may be having the same fight repeatedly because the conflict is important to you. Real resolution takes time, persistent fighters last several rounds. And through healthy engagement, both the relationship and the individuals emerge stronger. Turn Toward Each Other Echo approaches; Narcissus turns away. If Gottman had observed this interaction in his lab, he would likely shake his head in recognition. Through exhaustive observations of couples' interactions, Gottman's team noted that partners often made what he called bids for attention and affection. The team captain had driven his team mercilessly during training. In his mind, he had done what was required of him because they had fully completed the training exercise on time. And using the traditional assessment guidelines, the boxes would have been ticked off and that would have been the end of it. But when we sat down afterwards to look at how he might improve his behaviour and performance he received some very strident feedback from the group, who were in reality using a far more comprehensive set of performance criteria than any technical checklist could provide. Their feedback suggested that his leadership style was in fact deeply flawed; As obvious as his behavioural shortcomings were once they had been raised, they certainly weren't obvious until the team had pointed them out. The feedback from the group was extraordinarily positive; More profoundly, they concluded that the process had fundamentally changed the way they dealt with each other. Sir Clive Woodward once suggested that `culture is what happens when you [the leader] are not there'. This process addresses that same concern.

But late one evening as she was helping to meet a huge deadline at work, a fellow ad rep pointed to Leslie's belly and said, What are you doing here? You should be at home taking care of that baby! Those words would haunt Leslie for months--even years--as she asked herself repeatedly, What did I do wrong? Did I bring this on? Because the very next day, she was on her back, sick with a cold for which, in good conscience, she could take no medication. On day two of cold-induced bed rest, she noticed a lack of movement in her belly. At first, she wondered if her sickness had laid the baby low, and whether it was just taking it easy, like Mommy. But worry set in, and she and her husband bundled up against the January cold and made their way to the hospital, where a barrage of tests was done during a long and anxious day. To make matters worse, nurse after nurse refused to give them any information. One, however, tried to assuage their concerns by lightheartedly saying that there must have been something wrong with one of the ultrasound machines. When one partner made a bid, the other partner either turned toward them or turned away. The gestures Gottman and his team observed were often small ones--volunteering to grab the item needed from the store, laughing at a joke, offering a shoulder rub. Gottman noted that these responses seemed to build the couple's store of good feeling that would then help them through challenges. His study revealed that the couples that stayed together had turned toward their partner's bids, on average, 86% of the time. By contrast, those who divorced only turned toward such bids an average of 33% of the time. If we transformed the Narcissus-Echo story into that of a sustainable and healthy relationship, the story might lose its dramatic appeal. Echo would approach more gently. Narcissus would be sort of a jerk, but Echo would hold her ground and also see his fear. They would both be closer to the middle of the narcissistic spectrum, so we would probably have to change their names. They would fight, but not to harm--only because relationships are hard, and they are learning.

Who better to create a winning environment than the people who are responsible? Regular peer feedback on our behaviour amounts to a very powerful learning tool. Other examples of groups that have identified their best behaviours and then assessed themselves regularly against them include Pearson, the global learning giant, which encourages all employees to be `brave, imaginative and decent'. Harley-Davidson believes that all its staff should: These are all observable and measurable behaviours. It is easy to recognise when individuals are exhibiting truthful behaviour, behaving fairly, keeping promises, showing respect for people and doing things that encourage intellectual curiosity. At Southwest Airlines, CEO Herb Kelleher asked his staff, `From the minute you think of working here to the minute you leave, what behaviours will you show that makes this experience unique and separates us from the competition? They spell out what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviours and allow people to be clear about where they need to change. Do you need to change the behaviours of a group to make the desired change in your life? Maybe your friends, family or work colleagues would benefit from agreeing a code of conduct. After waiting nine hours for word--any word at all--Leslie and Peter were now really fearing the worst and wondering why no one would give them any information, good or bad. They left that hospital, which was the one nearest their home, and made a silent drive to another one half an hour away, the hospital she had visited regularly during her prenatal doctor's appointments. It was there that their fears were confirmed. In the small and lonely hours of the next morning, her doctor showed up and, tears in his dark brown eyes, asked softly, Leslie, what happened? Of course, no one knew. That would be a question that several tests on a little girl who would soon be named Katrina would fail to answer. But first came what I, as an outsider, perceived to be the next hardest part: waiting for the baby to arrive naturally. When Leslie called me in a hotel room many miles away to tell me her tragic news, I asked when she would be giving birth. She relayed the doctor's recommendations that nature be allowed to take its course: the baby would wait in utero until Leslie went into labour. Next to the news of her unsuccessful pregnancy, I thought this was the saddest, sickest thing I had ever heard.

They might even start to run, feeling that life is easier alone, with a band of admirers or in the safety of a cave. But, each time, they approach again. And, in doing so, they learn to engage. SPECIALNESS IN ITS PLACE But nothing disturbs the feeling of specialness like -JONATHAN FRANZEN, Freedom There are lines in certain articles you remember forever. One such passage came to me as I perused a article recommended by a graduate school professor. The line read, Perhaps the most difficult thing for a patient to accept is that he is quite ordinary. When I read these words, I'm pretty sure I exclaimed out loud, What? It doesn't need to be overtly formal or official. Instead, try sitting them down and asking, `What do we do as a group that makes us all productive and happy? Can we agree to try to do those things more frequently? Behaviour really matters, but it's just the starting point to create change. To consistently be successful in making things happen, we must look at our emotions. Address their hearts. Recognise the power of emotions: avoiding the emotional triggers that may jeopardise change Mother Teresa once said, `If I look at the mass, I will never act. If I look at the one, I will. Researchers wanted to see how people would respond to an opportunity to make charitable donations to a cause as opposed to making a charitable donation to a single person.

But her doctor was firm in his belief that this pregnancy should be as physically non-disruptive as possible for Leslie so that she would be in good shape for her next one. I could not imagine having to keep a dead baby inside me, my baby bump a constant reminder of the dreams that were never to come true. It's no wonder some women choose to be induced immediately upon hearing of a baby's prenatal death. But Leslie decided to listen to her doctor's advice and wait until her baby emerged in her own time and, in so doing, proved completely wrong my assumption that it would be a torturous period. Understandably devastated, Leslie and Peter left the hospital and went home, where my sister did what she hadn't done in seven months: poured herself a stiff drink and lit one of her husband's cigarettes. And then she cried for hours. She told me she had never known a pain like this and feared her heart would burst in her chest over the tragedy of it all. But then something happened that startled not only Leslie but also the rest of her concerned family. Because of the ultrasounds, she had learned the baby's gender. So, the would-be parents named the child, and Leslie began to bond with her in the precious time they had left together. I tried to get my head around this: That's the punchline? I'm studying to be a therapist so that I can show people that they are ordinary? And--wait--if they're ordinary, that means I am too! The insight came from psychotherapist Sheldon Kopp, via his article, If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him! As a fatigued graduate student, I was comforted by the idea that perhaps I didn't need to work so hard to stand out. I could work for what I cared about and rest into the comforting awareness that I had company in my ordinariness. Still, I wrestled to reconcile this idea with childhood messages that I was special--the best, even--and could do anything. My nine siblings were also the best, which, if you do the math, makes no sense. I wanted to be the most special, as did my siblings, and the unspoken competition helped the ten of us make much of what we were given. The family resources were limited to a rural pastor's salary, but we all graduated from college, most of us went on to add graduate degrees, and our visible credits include a two-star general, a couple shelves of published articles and academic articles by the family's authors, original musical compositions, and rooms of commissioned paintings.