You don't know who you are any more

Arguably, Canada's highest-profile bereaved mother is Margaret Trudeau. Not only does she have the distinction of being the wife of one of the country's most famous prime ministers, Pierre Elliott Trudeau (Canada's fifteenth), but she is also mother to its twenty-third prime minister, Justin Trudeau. Now in her early seventies, she is the author of four articles in which, with consistency and disarming frankness, she details her battle with mental illness. In 1971, twenty-two-year-old Margaret Sinclair became the young, pot-smoking flower-child bride to an older, intellectual and charismatic politician: a fifty-one-year-old man who gave a nation with all the personality of a bolt of red-plaid flannel a sexier, more worldly makeover. As a couple, the Trudeaus captured the imagination of the masses: some watched this intergenerational marriage with curiosity or skepticism; Margaret drew large audiences--and even votes for her husband--as she occasionally campaigned with him. She tells of her idea for Pierre to toss aside his long-winded speeches, and of him suggesting she take the podium herself--which she did! Margaret bore Pierre three sons, and the fact that two of them arrived on Christmas Day (two years apart) became a source of great God-complex humour aimed in a mostly good-natured manner at Monsieur Trudeau and his bride. After six years of marriage, the couple separated, although Margaret continued to live in an attic suite at the prime minister's official residence. In time, she remarried--this time to a real estate developer, someone out of the political spotlight--and had another son and (at long last) a daughter. So what kinds of mirrors do we need? I think we benefit most when we avail ourselves of a variety of mirrors as well as people who pull us away from ourselves and stretch us. A good friend provides the validating reflection that helps us feel understood as well as the on our side loyalty that helps us bear difficulty. John Gottman talks about the importance of having this kind of mirroring from an intimate partner at the end of a hard day. In article 5, I shared how my husband's observation shined a light on something I didn't like hearing but knew to be true. My sister still thanks me for the hard reality I mirrored back to her when she was stuck in a bad marriage. Do you engage with people who hold values and viewpoints that differ from yours? When we eliminate new perspectives and relationships, when we create echo chambers, we deprive ourselves of this varied input. Finally, though the world can be a tough place, we do best when we can tolerate and consider the unvarnished feedback of impersonal mirrors, like bosses, editors, and critics. To take an inventory of the input you are receiving, ask yourself the following:

Your eyes widen and scan the scene, taking in as much visual information as possible. You may even hold your breath in an effort to become completely silent and still, and to hear better. You become `an alarmed-looking human statue'. These three scenarios illustrate the freeze, fight or flight response, a sequence of internal processes that prepares you for struggle or escape. It is triggered when we interpret a situation as threatening. The resulting response depends on how you have learned to deal with threat, as well as on an innate freeze, fight or flight `program' built into the brain. Don't believe me? You would think that it was a no-brainer, wouldn't you? Who would say no to free money? The outcome is always the same. She also continued to write and would embark upon a career as a television host. For a time, all seemed well, and it appeared that Margaret Sinclair Trudeau's tumultuous life had finally found a measure of balance and tranquility. He was swept into a lake and drowned, causing much of a nation to mourn alongside the Trudeaus. After all, many of us had grown up right along with Justin, Alexandre (Sacha, as he was known) and Michel (nicknamed Miche by Cuban dictator Fidel Castro). How could this be? Only one year after Michel's death, Margaret divorced from businessman Fried Kemper. Then, just the following year, prostate cancer claimed her first ex-husband, the former prime minister, at age eighty. In the traumatic aftermath of both the passing of her son and her first husband (she claimed that even though the marriage had ended, the love had not), Margaret's health continued to decline. In fact, doctors warned her she was possibly subconsciously emulating Pierre Trudeau's refusal, in his final days, to take nourishment. I had to remind myself to breathe, she says, tearfully.

Do you have the friend who knows what to say when you need a lift? Do you have the intimate mirror who can help you see and tolerate the realities that make you cringe? Do you have people who see your gifts when they are invisible to you? Do you have people who are hard for you to understand and make you better for the challenge? Have you consulted someone outside your world, like a therapist, to be the mirror others are unable to provide? Therapy is valuable to the extent that it goes beyond what you want to hear to what you need to hear. Climb the Mountain or Sit in the Shade? In my twenty-five years of therapy practice, I have worked with many more people at the low end of the narcissism spectrum than those who would benefit from feeling a little less special. Those lacking healthy narcissism have a hard time claiming a space in the world, and they have a hard time appreciating what they have to offer. But whether someone is grasping for something positive to say about themselves or they run out of session time listing their great qualities, they may be focusing on the same thing--the question of what gives them value. Followed by a little more silence, followed by nervous laughter. I even hear people telling their friends to go up and get the money. Eventually someone runs up and grabs the money out of my hand at which point everyone claps and the lucky winner immediately tries to give the money back, even though it was offered to them with no strings attached! There is one reason why I am never trampled by a rush of people coming to grab the money. It is that voice in your head (if you are wondering `Which voice? If I run up there to collect the money everyone will laugh at me. I don't understand the game. It can't be that simple. I will make a fool of myself. If you're not sure whether you are prone to fight, freeze or flight, then try to remember (or look out for) the last or next really stressful situation and note what happens.

I felt I had to go with Michel. I couldn't see any other way. I couldn't have him alone. She pauses. Maybe I should put it another way: I didn't want to be alone. In my grief I was so focused on the loss of my boy that I forgot that I had a full life and lots of people who love me very much who are alive and well and here. It was a family intervention and a complete breakdown that finally led Margaret to get the professional help and medication she needed in order to survive the loss of her son, her marriage and her ex-husband in such quick succession. Today, she travels across North America, an honorary patron of the Canadian Mental Health Association and a popular public speaker, advocating for openness about mental health issues like her own bipolar disorder and manic depression, the same ones she writes about in her article Changing My Mind. Not one just to talk the talk, she tries to make a point of meeting with all those who line up to speak with her after an engagement, regardless of whether they're holding a copy of her article in their hands or simply want to clasp hers. Margaret Trudeau's need to connect and to help seems entirely genuine, and it is touching and reaffirming to behold. This, I believe, is one negative side effect of a culture that emphasizes what we can see, measure, and commodify. Part of the relief I felt in the message that I was ordinary came from the idea that I was part of a collective. I didn't have to stand out or define myself. With all the slogans telling us to climb the mountain and be our best, can we find value in resting into ordinary? Would doing so mean we sink into stasis and stop growing? For me, these questions point to a needed cultural rapprochement: one that allows us to hold the shared value of being human at the same time that we seek to participate in an individual way. We'll take a closer look at that vision in the next article. THE NARCISSISTIC DIVIDE The greatness of America lies not in being more -ALEXIS DE TOCQUEVILLE

Remember, you're looking to notice the stimulus (what happened), the perception (how you felt) and the response (what you did). Being aware of - and managing - your own emotions and anticipating, observing and managing the emotional responses of others are crucial to seeing change work. It is our feelings that drive the behaviours that others will judge us on. Failing to do this means that we lose control of our actions and, subsequently, our change results. Let's now look at the four big needs that will allow us to disarm our natural instincts and retain control of our emotions. A recent UK survey was conducted in which supervisors were asked to rank the importance of ten motivators for their employees. Then they asked the employees to rank the same list in order of what they most wanted from their supervisors. Without knowing it, the employees had unwittingly explained that the four most important emotional needs which must be satisfied to prevent stress when making change happen are value, control, belonging and safety. If any of these factors are missing, stress, or more accurately the flight, fight or freeze response, will be triggered. So, let's look at each one of these factors in turn. Another high-profile bereaved mother is Susan Bro. You may not remember her name, but you'll remember the circumstances under which the spotlight was turned toward her. Like Susan Bro, a great many parents use the grief that follows the death of their children as a catalyst for change. Whether it's those who raise their voices for tougher gun laws or lobby City Hall for a crosswalk where there was none, these parents often, like Heather Heyer's mother, feel a deep desire to make their child's death matter. One day, Rob and I may become two of them, but in our case, it's not clear what caused our daughter's death. Do we suspect that the drug she took to help her to lactate may have contributed to the stopping of her heart? Yes, we do. But was Lauren one of the estimated ten thousand Canadians who die every year as a result of taking prescription drugs exactly as prescribed? We just don't know. And as parents who suspect a prescription took their child, we most certainly are not alone.