Your partner tells you that no one will believe a word you say

More importantly, it isn't good for your health. So what is stress? One official definition is: `The reaction people have to excessive pressures or other types of demands placed on them. It arises when they worry they can't cope. Hans Seyle, who is a pioneer of modern stress research, says that stress has three components: For example, if we are hiking in the woods and encounter a bear, this is a stimulus; This important response mechanism has been hard-wired into our genes since the caveman days and is a key survival tool. Let me explain how this works when creating change in more detail. Our response to the stimulus of change-related stress manifests itself in three ways: You might wonder what this has to do with creating change in the modern world, but if you are either very honest or very observant you will know that it is more than just a metaphorical jungle out there. We said our goodbyes and I asked that the machines and drugs be turned off. I held my son in my arms and he was free. He thanked me for that, you know. I saw a medium who knew of the brain death, of the tubes in his throat. Nathan said he did not like those and thanked me for letting him go. The pain is as fresh as yesterday. Do you sometimes look at what you have written in disbelief and wonder how this possibly could be true? It does take a toll. Yes, yes, yes. I cannot believe any of what's happening in our lives either, Barbara.

I did get plenty of poor baby and what were they thinking? I could have complained to the organization, belittled the agents and called the whole thing a scam. I could have lashed out at those who got callbacks. I could have retreated into a fantasy that the world just wasn't good enough for me. I could have led with my vulnerability, sinking into a depression and asking the world to continue to reassure me that I was permitted to live in it. While reveling in that shame, I felt the impulse to do all of the above. But I woke up, looked around, and made a different choice. The hotel lobby had a bar. Not a drinker, I rarely notice when there's a bar in a hotel I'm staying. But this time I thought, There is one thing I can do that none of these underage lovelies can do. In this state we will do (or say) whatever it takes to get out of the situation. You cannot reason with people in this state, you cannot build true consensus, you won't hear the truth. You only have access to about 10 per cent of your own and other people's abilities. In other words, you can't proceed with change (or even with business as normal) unless the freeze, fight or flight mechanism is disarmed. Your natural personality will play a part in determining the type of behaviour that you will exhibit when feeling stress about making change happen. Depending on your personality, some people display aggressive behaviour (fight), some people distance themselves from the situation (flight) and some give up and acquiesce to the pressure (freeze). It also helps if you are able to recognise these responses in others. Common examples include increased absences or a high attrition rate (flight), or even simply where people choose to sit in a room. Remember when you were at school. If you entered a classroom for a lesson you didn't like, where would you sit if possible?

She went on to tell me that it was when she was taken to her knees in grief at Nathan's grave that a dragonfly visited her three times; Barbara notes that there was no body of water nearby. She says that's when she remembered the story of the dragonfly and knew Nathan was telling her he was okay. On the second anniversary of her son's passing, Barbara began to make simple but significant key chains from beads, rings and the parachute cord that she feels evokes such an image of both strength and trust. In the first year of making them, Barbara gave away more than twelve hundred free of charge, many of them through bereaved family groups. She continues to do so to this day. Barbara encloses each one in a tiny clear bag, accompanied by a printed story about the dragonfly (derived from an old fable, perhaps most famously adapted in Doris Stickney's Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children). Barbara very kindly made some for us, personalized in memory of our Lauren, and I tailored some later for Leslie and Michael. In a lovely homonym that resonated with our lives, it's the story of a beetle. The water beetle turns into a dragonfly and discovers a world more beautiful than she could ever have imagined! And I pulled up to the bar and ordered a shot of tequila. Like a grown up. Though I don't advocate alcohol as a solution to pain, the shot was not about getting drunk. Besides, I had only one. Having the shot allowed me to laugh and to tell a different story about this experience. As I felt the warmth of the liquor go down, I looked at the small trophy in my hand. Masks symbolizing comedy and tragedy decorated the gold exterior, and the affixed plaque read, First place, original monologue. Delivering that monologue--a sixty-second fantasy portraying my liberation from an oppressive society--had been an isolated moment of pure joy. My focus on the big prize I had lost made me forget this one that ultimately held more meaning. That monologue, The Retreat, later made its way into a dream that did find fulfilment--my article, Introvert Power.

At the back? That is the flight response, trying to put as much distance between yourself and the threat, in this case the teacher. I speak to a lot of leaders who often claim that their biggest frustration when trying to make change happen is people's apparent apathy. That silence is feedback. People normally do have questions and suggestions about how to improve things, but if they are not offering them it suggests that they don't feel safe with you and so are choosing to say nothing (freeze). Finally, one behaviour I often observe in sporting dressing rooms and among adolescent children, but also unfortunately within business environments, is aggressive, macho posturing or snide, underhanded comments, which is a manifestation of the fight response. Change action Consider these potentially stressful situations. At a meeting for which you have thoroughly prepared, the chair criticises you and accuses you of failing to attend to tasks that were, in reality, someone else's responsibility. As all eyes turn on you, you feel your face getting hot, your jaw tightening and your fist clenching. Not unlike the dragonfly of that sweet story, the promise inherent in Nathan's life was to be saluted in a couple of different ways after his passing too. Barbara shared with me that at his funeral she was able to place a diploma confirming his degree from the University of Ottawa on his casket, along with a mortarboard. This, my son, said Barbara, is your convocation. The entire church stood and applauded Nathan's determination to graduate and make his mother even prouder than she already was. In June 2014, the university, which had hastily approved Nathan's degree and made sure Barbara had it in time for the funeral, invited the family to their late son's actual convocation. We were seated in the very front row. As his name was called, his sisters went forward to receive his diploma. Oh, just imagine. A mother's grief is intertwined with pride and the feeling of so much promise unfulfilled; Oh, so much loss.

My sister and I have both come to terms with our falls and have discovered something our bold visions left out: the gift of simply getting to do what we enjoy doing. For her it's songwriting--those moments with her guitar and notepad when the perfect lyric to a musical phrase finally comes to her. She says that sometimes those creative moments feel so holy she is moved to tears. For me it's what I'm doing right now. The hard thing that allows me, once a quiet girl lost in a big family, to be part of the conversation. Mirror, Mirror We have discussed the kind of mirroring a child needs to emerge into the world with both vision and grounding. We continue to benefit from mirrors that show us who we are, that reflect our gifts as well as our limitations. Fragile bullies are selective about their mirrors and work hard to control the ones they use. Like Narcissus gazing in the pool, such mirroring keeps the fragile bully right where he is. You would not shout or hit anyone - doing so would only make things worse. But you feel like shouting or striking out. Now consider another stress-filled scenario. You walk into your weekly evening class a few moments late, only to find everyone putting articles and notes away - apparently preparing for a test you did not realise had been scheduled for today. Your heart seems to stop, your mouth is dry, your knees feel weak and you momentarily consider hurrying back out the door. Your life is not really in danger, and running away will not solve your problem - so why should you feel a physical urge to escape? Finally, imagine walking alone down a dark street. You hear a startling noise. Without thinking, you stop dead in your tracks. Your senses become razor sharp.