We're failing to communicate

Congress got so upset that it passed a resolution officially renaming the Capitol cafeteria's French fries `freedom fries'. In true blocker fashion, the French embassy retorted, `We are dealing with very serious issues and not the name given to potatoes. There was never enough time, or visits that were not too short. We cherished each one. Loo, we promised to live out our lives in a way that would make you as proud of us as we were, and always would be, of you. And we waited in joyful hope that when these lives were to be done and our missing you finally came to an end, our souls would be reunited, and we would all know pure joy once again. Although we could literally see our house from the high points of the island, it was far enough away that we could feel the specialness of the place and its quiet, welcoming charms. We awoke the next day to a sundrenched room, and I deliberately dressed in a bright fushia shirt (the brand was Lauren). I wasn't going to wear black and allow myself to feel any sadder than the date would dictate. I'd even been told by a medium that our daughter wanted me in more vivid hues. As we waited to catch the ferry back home, a hummingbird zipped over to me. It hovered in front of my face for what must have been at least five seconds. This response begs the question, what is reinforcing about being snapped at? Behavior analysts define reinforcers by what perpetuates the behavior, and this is not always obvious. In this case, she was lonely and the reward may simply be the fact that he has responded. She is no longer alone. In retrospect, the French argument should have merited more careful attention. But because they so conveniently fitted the role of the blocker, they were seen as a thorn in Bush's side. As tempting as it is to dismiss them, blockers do play a vital role in maintaining balance in a group. A blocker can function as the brakes to prevent a trip down a potentially disastrous route.

Even if a blocker's opinion is wrong, at least it adds a perspective to the debate and gives others an opportunity to look at things in a different light. The famous explorer Ernest Shackleton dealt with the blockers in his exploration groups by assigning them to sleep in his own tent. When he separated them to work in groups on chores, he grouped the blockers with him. This way, he was able to minimise their negative influence while allowing him to listen to their feedback. Blockers do play a vital role in maintaining balance in a group. Political scientists have shown in a series of studies of juries that, when someone is prepared to represent the minority viewpoint, it makes a group more balanced and its decision-making process more rigorous. I didn't breathe; Brightest of all were its neck and breast, a deep pink that mirrored the shade I wore. Perhaps that's what attracted this brilliant little being. But I'd like to believe that on the anniversary of her passing, Lauren made a point of coming by to let me know that she was all right--that she wanted me to find peace in my heart and soul too. To some, hummingbirds symbolize a lightness of life, a spirit of joy, of playfulness. May it serve as a reminder of these gifts to you too. She just happened to be there on a girls' day out with her sisters and heard me talk with host Tracy Moore about our lives with and after Lauren. Later, when Iris emailed me with the words I think you've got a article in you, I said she was right. This is that article. Thank you to Iris and the compassionate and patient team of women and men at HarperCollins who guided us, and to the incredible Michael Levine for helping us navigate these unfamiliar waters. This is true even when the minority viewpoint turns out to be ill-conceived. The confrontation with a dissenting view forces people to look at their own positions more seriously. This doesn't mean that the ideal jury will follow the plot of Twelve Angry Men, where a single holdout convinces 11 men who are ready to convict that they're all wrong. But it does mean that having even a single different opinion can make a group wiser.

Change action Now put the names of these people in the relevant box in the grid below in terms of how helpful and supportive they are. Tip: There are no right or wrong answers here and it doesn't mean that a person is good or bad. It is about how supportive they are of you in terms of your change challenge. Remember, a person can also change their role depending on the specific issue. Look at your list and decide if the balance is helpful. Michael, we are so sorry that you personally know our journey as a bereaved parent through your own family tragedy. Our hearts are with yours. Dearest Reader (a term I'm sure no author is supposed to say, but since I'm new at this, I'll be as earnest as I want! If you promise to remember that, we will too. I cannot imagine where we would be today without the friends and family who have made us laugh, who let us cry with them and who remember Lauren with such fondness. They will always be in our hearts. My long-time friend, confidante and beloved soul sister, Lisa Brandt, and my actual sister Leslie Davis, who walks this path of grief with us, both showed unwavering support when we lost our girl. Our deepest gratitude goes to Lauren's beloved surrogate grandmother, Helen Moase. To Anita Reynolds MacArthur and her husband, Ian: you and your family will always have a huge place in our hearts, and we cherish the closeness you still experience with Lauren and her many hints to you and daughter Ava Erin MacArthur from beyond. To the family members who wrapped their arms around us when we feared we were lost, we are grateful: sweet Meaghan, also a young mom and her late first cousin's bridesmaid, who felt our loss so acutely; When he was serving as Churchill's minister of defense in 1952, Harold Alexander, a formal field marshal, declared that Churchill `hated yes-men--he had no use for them. Fact check: The controversy over Trump's inauguration crowd size. Is there any action you want to take to move someone from one box to another? For example, ask an adapter for help and support to become an initiator.

You can do this in a number of simple ways: You can ask people to pretend to be that character for a certain meeting. When they try it, you can ask them to think about the strengths and weaknesses of that type without causing offence to people believing you are attacking their own personal character. This is an incredibly helpful way of initiating the discussion of where you need people to be and why. This allows you to keep focused on areas that need to be addressed quickly. I suspect that if you reflect on what you have read, you will know that what we have discussed so far is common sense. These just don't sit well with most of us. Attitude isn't about this, it is how we respond to the facts of a situation. Rob's siblings, Doug and Lois, but most of all Lauren's beloved Aunt Susie; To our dad: always know that your daughters are as proud of you as you are of all of us. And Mom--you walk with me daily but I'm grateful you didn't live to share this pain. Thank you again, Phil Shirakawa, for being the caring and tender father Lauren knew you would be and for so lovingly shepherding your beautiful son through these early years of life. He is the only link we have now to our own beloved child, an attachment that you understand in a deeper way with each passing day. We are so thankful to you for your generosity of spirit in allowing us, indeed encouraging us, to continue to play a prominent role in this beautiful, special boy's life. To Brooke Russell Shirakawa, whom I'll call my daughter-in-law (but for whom there really is no title), thank you for the love and kindness and guidance you show our grandson, Colin, every day. When you say he is your life, we are grateful that Phil and Colin have found someone who can love and care for them and make a broken world bright again. Thank you, dear Brooke. You didn't have to do this: you could have kept living the life of a young single woman. When Parents' Praise Inflates, Children's Self-Esteem Deflates. Child Development.

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. The way we interpret facts is largely down to our beliefs, and that's the next stop on our change mission. In one town, he made the challenge and was dutifully ushered into a jail cell. As soon as the door clanged shut behind him, he began trying to find a way out. As the minutes slipped by, he soon found that this escape was going to be tougher than he had expected. He tried every trick, but he couldn't find a way out. At the end of the time, the jailers found him sitting in the middle of the cell sobbing in frustration. He had failed. The biggest surprise came when the jailer discovered that he had forgotten to lock the door. Houdini could have walked out any time he wanted just by pushing the door open. The irony was that this escape route was one that he had never considered. Instead, you immersed yourself in diapers and sleepless nights, Elmo and school meetings. We adore that you sometimes talk to Lauren and feel her presence; You're a wonderful mother. My radio family--intimate and extended--will forever be one I remember with the greatest gratitude, starting, as always, with the listeners who shared our lives through my journal, through the morning show for a quarter-century, and through twenty-four Christmas Eve at Erin's programs on the air with Lauren. You offered such boundless kindness when she died and in the months thereafter--and still do. Thank you, each and every one of you. Rob and I owe you so much. Of that radio family, my greatest gratitude goes to Mike Cooper. When the unthinkable happened, you helped walk listeners through the days that followed.