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Explain how self-perception guides people to use their own behavior and bodily experiences as clues to who they are. Know then thyself, presume not God to scan; The proper study of mankind is Man. Our genes play a part in shaping who we are--whether we're outgoing or shy, for example (Plomin et al. How do people do it? How do they figure out what qualities define them and set them apart from other people? Social psychologists have identified three sources of self-knowledge: the appraisals they get from others, their social comparisons, and their self-perceptions. As we examine each, observe how they can occasionally lead us to make errors in interpreting our experiences and attributes. Shake hands with the person you are talking to, whether you are the boss or a colleague. A warm handshake conveys sympathy and is a good way of influencing another person's way of thinking about you. How you manipulate people to achieve your goal Steve Jobs, the founder of both Pixar and Apple, has always chosen different, unique ways to achieve his goals. They were based on his reality and sometimes on a distorted view of the world to convince people that there is only his view. As a result, he has been outstandingly successful in developing the companies and bringing them far to the top of the rankings. To this end, he used manipulative tactics which he deliberately used to convince the most powerful CEOs worldwide. Steve Jobs was a genius of manipulation. He presented his ideas with dedication, he was always brutally honest, worked hard, was never too good for seduction and flattery, said that the good ideas came from others, made decisions or changed his mind and stood behind them, solved problems immediately and not later, met problematic people in a straight line or used the path of the least resistance, forged the iron while it is hot, used his influence and allowed nothing but perfection. Martin Luther King possessed similar talents, who set a lot in motion with his speech against discrimination and slavery. This belief is at the root of our negative mindset and may take the shape of I am not smart enough, pretty enough, accomplished enough, talented enough, or wealthy enough. We move into overdrive by working harder, not always smarter, to compensate for our feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.

This perpetuates our drive for perfectionism, where we feel we have to do everything perfectly at work or at home to meet unrealistic expectations. We are constantly berating ourselves because we feel like we are not enough. This false belief is shaped by a limited understanding of who we are as human beings. Based on Eastern philosophy and neuroscience research, who we are is pure consciousness or infinite potential--beyond the ego mind of self-concepts, beliefs, and perceived limitations. As we expand the gray matter in our prefrontal cortex and heart capacities, we can access more innate intelligence, awareness, and loving-kindness beyond our sensory perceptions. Unfortunately, we adopted beliefs from early childhood that shaped our worldview and created the psychological fear of unworthiness. This is simply untrue. We are worthy beyond measure. The upshot is that we may not know ourselves as well as we think. Reflected Appraisals: Seeing Ourselves Through the Eyes of Others Two 20th-century sociologists, Charles Cooley (1902) and George Herbert Mead (1934), examined the social origin of the self-concept from a perspective known as symbolic interactionism. The central idea is that people use their understanding of how other people view them as the primary basis for knowing and judging themselves. Cooley coined the term looking glass self to refer to the idea that others reflect back to the individual (much like a looking glass, or mirror) who she is by how they behave toward her. People come to know themselves first by observing how others view them, or others' appraisals of them, and then incorporating those appraisals into their self-concept. Symbolic interactionism The perspective that people use their understanding of how others view them as the primary basis for knowing and evaluating themselves. Looking glass self The idea that others reflect back to us (much like a looking glass, or mirror) who we are by how they behave toward us. Other personalities who stood up for a good cause and were followed by people are Nelson Mandela and Mother Theresa. Perhaps you remember the Bhagwan movement in the 1980s, which many people joined.

Some referred to Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh as the Savior and others as the Catcher of Men. The Indian preached abstinence and life of decadence. He was a great manipulator and managed to generate enthusiasm with his speeches. For every seeker he had the right answer in store. His trademark was targeted manipulation, which had a great effect. The Sannyasin disciples built up a true economic empire that is still active today, even though Bhagwan has not been alive for a long time. No matter where you look, manipulation, in one direction or another, works wonderfully. The many different characteristics of the different personalities could be regarded as trivialities. By always saying yes, not having boundaries, not taking time for self-care, and working hours beyond your physical and mental capacity are examples of how this belief wreaks havoc in our lives. When we do not meet the high expectations we set for ourselves or others, this belief becomes our default mode of thinking and we work harder to prove to others and ourselves that we are worthy. This negative thinking begins looping in our brain chemistry, creating negative states like worry, anger, shame, guilt, fear, and self-doubt. This feeds into the imposter syndrome we experience when we take on a new assignment, new leadership role, or do anything new where we question our ability to do it well and are afraid others may find out that we are a fraud. The fact is, your self-worth and value are not defined by other people's opinions of you. Of course, we all have room to improve our skills to be more masterful and confident at our vocations, but our skills do not define our self-worth. To master the monkey mind, we need to master this self-doubt by embracing our inherent self-value. This self-doubt gets reinforced by our brain's negativity bias. As Rick Hanson writes in Rewiring Happiness , The mind is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. We are constantly looking for what's wrong in our experience versus what's right. What other people think about us. People use others' appraisals not only to know their attributes but also to judge themselves and their actions as good or bad.

For example, a person might feel bad about the pile of laundry on the floor because she imagines Mom's voice saying, You are such a slob! Because people internalize others' appraisals, they evaluate themselves as if those other people were in their heads, observing them act. Cooley also pointed out that a person's self-concept is more likely to develop and change in response to the appraisals of people who are close or admired than in response to the appraisals of strangers. Charles Cooley (left) and George Herbert Mead (right) developed the idea that people learn about and judge themselves on the basis of how other people perceive them. Based on Mead's and Cooley's insights, Baldwin and colleagues (1990) hypothesized that even unconscious reminders of approval and disapproval from significant others would influence self-evaluations. In one study, social psychology graduate students evaluated their own research ideas after being subliminally primed with a picture of a highly respected faculty member scowling with disapproval or, in the comparison condition, a picture of a less prominent figure with an approving expression. In a second study, the researchers first had Catholic participants read a description of a sexual dream and then subliminally presented them with the scowling face of either the pope or an unfamiliar other, also with a disapproving expression, and finally had them rate themselves on dimensions such as morality, intelligence, and talent. Both groups of participants rated themselves less positively (graduate students saw their ideas as less important and original; But taken together, they form a unique picture, which is why Apple, for example, has achieved cult status. At Steve Jobs it has taken on indescribable dimensions, but you can also use it for your environment, job, social contacts, partnership and family. Manipulation is not always only negative as long as you do not use it to make other people completely your puppet. Through manipulation, you can achieve a happier, more contented attitude to life if you are convincing and stand behind your wishes, dreams, changes and ideas. If you want to influence a person, show that you respect this person and that manipulation is necessary to continue to pursue common goals. Feel that you are being manipulated, question the manipulation. Because this way you will recognize the view and goals that the other person is pursuing. If the person is important to you, you will accept your influence if it is consistent with your ideas. The big goal in life is that everyone is happy and satisfied with themselves and in the community. By influencing another person, you will come closer to this goal. I see this pattern with managers and executives all the time. They will receive a performance review from multiple raters--their direct manager, direct reports, and stakeholders--that highlight their strengths, accomplishments, and areas of improvement.

Regardless of all the positive feedback received, they remember the negative or constructive feedback. Unfortunately, this demotivates them and often diminishes their performance, especially high achievers. We become fixated with improving the qualities in us we think are flawed rather than focusing on the qualities or strengths in us that make us magnificent. As we dig a little deeper, we ultimately find we have a fear of failure. This fear can literally stop us in our tracks and discourage us from following our passion and purpose. We may choose complacency and jobs within our comfort zone rather than taking risks and growing to the next level because we fear losing our financial security, being seen as incompetent, or embarrassing our boss or coworkers. This fear of failure is often sourced from a childhood experience or something that didn't go so well at work or school. This may include not getting accepted into an Ivy League school, losing money in the stock market, forgetting key points while presenting at a conference, asserting your viewpoint at a meeting and being shut down by a superior, or leading a large project that costs the company millions of dollars. Catholics viewed themselves as less competent and worthy) after being exposed to the disapproving face of a significant authority figure but not following exposure to the disapproving face of an unfamiliar person, even though these faces were presented to participants below the level of their conscious awareness. Even at an unconscious level, people carry with them the knowledge of how significant others view them, and they use those appraisals to judge themselves. Mead went beyond Cooley's emphasis on appraisals of particular significant others to propose that people also internalize an image of a generalized other, a mental representation of how people, on average, appraise the self. This generalized other becomes the internal audience or perspective by which people view and judge themselves. Consistent with this idea, overweight people are significantly less happy if they live in a society that stigmatizes obesity and values thinness than if they live in a society in which obesity is common and accepted (Pinhey et al. If you consider Pope Francis to be a significant figure in your life, how do you think being exposed to this image of his scowling expression would make you feel about yourself? What if you had just been engaging in some questionable activity? Errors in Reflected Appraisals Still, people's views of themselves are sometimes very different from the views that others hold of them. Which view is more accurate? No more being the puppet of other people To protect yourself from negative manipulation, in which your emotions are influenced and great doubts about your perception are spread, only working on yourself to gain more self-esteem and strengthen your self-confidence helps.