Saturday, 17 October 2020

Is it hard to experience pleasure?

This is the group of behaviors in which the so-called wound in common with the narcissist is revealed. Just as the narcissists are very capable of controlling and manipulating the codependents, in the same way, the codependents try to control the people with whom they have important relationships. Normally, the manipulative capacity of the codependent never reaches the extremes of the narcissist, partly because we do not have the will, and partly because we are not capable. We maintain a deep capacity for empathy for which we cannot go beyond a certain level of control because we note the suffering under the controlled person. It is significant to see that while intense control is considered as an indispensable skill for the narcissist, for the codependent person control is experienced as a necessity only when the relationship could be out of reach. However, in the case of codependent manipulation, the suffering that can result from it often becomes the main reason to get out of codependency. That is to say: either our suffering caused by abusive and cruel manipulators, or the annoyance that we generate in the healthy people we love is the real detonator that let us get out of codependency. The suffering pushes us to ask what do I have to do to cut away that anguish from my important relations? How can I get rid of this feeling of confusion that prevents me from rejoicing, loving, and be loved serenely? When that suffering is permanent, the fact is to be able to convert it into a personal choice to change. It truly is the wonderful feeling of being inspired which keeps me returning and giving my time. I can't be the only one whose work world is all about generating profit, meeting deadlines, turning out product, getting things done. Then I take the subway uptown, immerse myself in the work with the kids and Free Arts, and I think, Aha! This is what the world is really about. It's all about connecting with others, nurturing young people, building community, feeling like you can make a difference, and participating in something greater than oneself. It's good to be reminded about what really matters. I may show up feeling tired or down, but I leave feeling happy and spiritually nourished. My experiences as a Free Arts Weekly Mentor provide an invaluable sense of balance, perspective, and meaning that spills over into the rest of my life. We all have the power to make a difference in others' lives. Through our intention and actions, we choose to bring positive experiences into our lives and make them for others.

Cory returned to the meditation hall hoping to gain some wisdom about suffering. Every time he focused on his pain, he noticed that his mind would race with thoughts: Why are you doing this? You're not getting anything out of this experience. How can anyone meditate in this heat? There are way too many mosquitoes here. You should go to a different monastery. You should be out right now dating women, not sitting in silence all day long. Those thoughts, which triggered anger, compounded his physical pain. But, in time, Cory realized he had the power to break that negative cycle by distancing himself from his thoughts and emotions. He could just be with the pain itself, as he put it--he could sit on the riverbank and watch the water flow by, to use a mindfulness metaphor, rather than be caught up in the current. Inside it felt like a wordless Yes. It wasn't that I had stopped loving these people. It was that I was ready to give whatever was necessary to surrender completely. So, I surrendered my life. A great silence and peace filled me. Suddenly, through closed eyelids, a sharply brilliant, blazing light flashed. My body twitched very subtly as if preparing to sleep. Inside, everything remained still and calm. What was left of me waited gratefully, peacefully for the experience of death to come. I was ready to savor and appreciate each moment of moving on.

Changing for ourselves and not for others. This is a Key Point we will often face in this article. We Can Be Proficient Caretakers We are specialists in taking care of other people, and we identify the unhappiness of others as an attribute to be resolved. In the most extreme cases, this type of behavior results in the conduct brilliantly named as the Savior Complex -- That is, the unsolicited help of someone who insists on giving it to you. According to the official definition, a person with the Savior Complex feels the unstoppable and constant compulsion to save or rescue others. They are, somehow, people in search of individuals in need of help, people ready to help even at the cost of sacrificing not only their own needs, desires, and aspirations but even ready to put their safety at risk. These features lead to some of the most harmful and toxic relationships that may exist whether they are couple relationships or more generally, family relationships, relationships between friends and even work colleagues. We face the summum when the person to be saved is a hidden cruel manipulator. This is the most dangerous relation possible for a codependent and the most difficult to be broken. Niccolo Machiavelli was a politician, philosopher, and a diplomat from Renaissance Italy. He was also an author and a humanist who penned songs, poems and, of course, his greatest work, the Prince. Many regard him as the father of modern political science. Niccolo Machiavelli was born at the same time that Lorenzo Il Magnifico de Medici rose into power (1469). While the people of Florence liked to believe that no one man ruled them, the powerful Medici family have been pulling the strings behind the curtains for years and years. Lorenzo de Medici merely had to carry on the work that his ancestors had set into motion. The kind of Italy that Machiavelli grew up in was filled with culture and sophistication, a world where art, science and literature flourished. Italy was then the center of intellectual accomplishment and this drew in scholars and artists from various parts of Europe. At that time, everyone wanted to be in, live in and bask in Italy. This era was also a time of great religious change.

Though his body still hurt, the secondary pain of emotional suffering no longer made it worse. Once he understood that he had control over his experience of pain, he knew that he could stay at the monastery for the full six months. As the weeks passed, Cory had some days when his meditations were serene, and others when his mind was a turbulent mess. Every time a good feeling like tranquillity emerged, Cory would tell himself, This is what you want, try to hold on to this. But the feeling would pass away. Every time he felt pain, he would tell himself, This is bad, try to resist this. But then that feeling, too, would pass away. Eventually, I said, `Screw it. Stop trying to hold on to the experiences you want and let go of experiences you don't want. In life there will be good things and bad things,' he realized, `and you can try to pull in all of the good things and push away all of the bad things, but everything will change anyway, so just let go. I was thrilled. The soul spoke very quietly. If the feeling had been put into words it would have sounded like, Oh, this is wonderful! I am going to experience death! For some time, I lay on my back, eyes still closed, on the humble bedding relishing every moment. I wordlessly wondered what I might see if I opened my eyes. Could this be heaven now? I determined to open my eyes to see. Slowly, I opened my eyes and looked around. It seemed to be the same small, simple room.

The codependent gets into the relationship to rescue the manipulator from sadness or anguish and does not realize to be the only one to be rescued from manipulation and abuse. In codependent couples ruled by the Savior Complex, therefore, none of the members can feel edified and happy, or at least not for a long time. The ones who depend the most on love will lose their self-esteem gradually, while the others will feel increasingly burdened by the difficulties of the others. In the codependent couple created by those who have this type of complex, the role of rescued and victim is mixed in a confused way. The relationship can be so suffocating that the rescued ones cease to understand if they feel inept because they are, or because as rescued ones they have implicitly lost the right to take care of themselves. Or rather, they feel that they will never be able to live again except as persons to be saved for the rest of their years. For this reason, they pass from feeling cared for to feeling the victim of their savior. The frankly curious part of this behavior/complex of codependency is that, despite being dysfunctional, it can be rewarded socially. It can even lead us to become famous and influential people in the world of the so-called institutional caretakers, for example those who stand out for daring actions aimed at defending human rights in extremely dangerous locations, helping people in difficulty or aimed at solving expensive environmental issues especially concerning the protection of animals. If we look carefully at the Savior Complex, we can understand the key to the relationship of the codependent: the intensity can severely change but codependent relationships are based on the need to be together much more than on the will or pleasure of being together. The Catholic Church was growing more and more corrupt and depraved and the behavior of the notorious Pope Alexander VI did not help at all. The people were growing more and more hostile towards Catholic authority. During that period, the Protestant movement in the Holy Roman Empire was growing stronger. There was also a great deal of change developing in politics. The feudal territories were gradually being brought together under one central leadership. This instigated the formation of the present-day European nations. At this period, the contemporary concept of the state was already at its embryonic stage. During that time when nations were being combined, war was considered as the most treasured tool of a ruler. In 1492, Il Magnifico died and the power was handed over to his inept successor, Piero. The end of Piero de Medici marked the beginning of the Republic of Florence.

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