Learn to Say No

They are all things that fuel me and fill me up and make me happy inside. They could also all be on the list of things that distract me. Part of me wonders after looking at this list if maybe it's time to shift what a distraction even is. The definition for a distraction is a thing that prevents someone from giving full attention to something else. So, as a centering practice, we check in. You don't include me in the conversation. I've never thought of that. For me, the conversation just kind of has a life of its own, and I'm not actively trying to include or exclude anyone. But you're saying you want me to include you more. Just give me a chance to say something once in a while. I feel like you talk right over me. I talk right over you! So that's what I do! You know, I think you're right. My conversational style is to jump in whenever I can so I can get my point across, and I probably talk right over you. What a privilege it was just to be part of their lives. And I was so glad that I could help: with expenses and with the kids. Because I was on weekend shifts as a news anchor and free on the weekdays I hadn't been called into work, I could do things like drive Mellie to her arts-focused high school, which was in another district and a long trip on public transit. Jordy played basketball and ran track, and I was able to go watch many of her meets and games. I spent time with Sari, who was still so young, and gave my sister a break.

Lorraine often worked evenings showing houses or had early-morning meetings with clients and then afternoons off, while I often had whole days off. With our respective interesting careers and their unpredictable schedules, we sometimes found ourselves home with a few spare hours in the middle of the day. That's when we'd curl up on her basement couch and indulge in movies from the 1950s and '60s. Can you say Doris Day, Cary Grant, Rock Hudson, Sophia Loren? We watched Pillow Talk, Charade and the romantic comedy Houseboat. The difficulty of a season grows stronger and more oppressive if you don't name what matters. Otherwise, you're at the mercy of others' expectations and will either cram your season into another season's box or disengage altogether. You'll try hard or give up. THE ALL OR NOTHING OF WANTING SOMETHING DIFFERENT If you're in a challenging season of life, you probably want out. You may be tired of waiting for whatever sits on the other side of the longing and feel exhausted by the guilt of longing for something else. Maybe your challenge is a job you hate, kids that make you tired, or no money in the bank. Maybe you're waiting for a spouse, waiting for a divorce, or waiting for an adoption to finally go through. Frustration with your present circumstances is real and okay, but if you habitually look behind and beyond where you are, discontentment will be an eager companion whispering in your ear: It will always be this way. Facing this challenge and making real changes to how you relate to the thoughts, feelings, and experiences takes courage and grit. I commend you for giving yourself the gift of changing your life, for taking care of yourself and cultivating compassion for the pain that depression has caused you. Now that you have the tools you need to move forward in your life, let's spend some time thinking about strategies for maintaining your gains and planning for the future. JUAN used this article to help him understand his depression and how he could manage his symptoms by doing the things that moved him out of the vicious cycle of depression and back into his life. He had been ashamed of his negative thoughts and moods, and blamed himself for being weak and selfish.

He was surprised to learn that so many people struggle with depression. He learned that his negative thinking was a symptom of depression that distorted the way he saw himself, others, and the world. When he began to challenge his distorted thoughts and recognize that they were inaccurate, he began to consider living his life in a different way. He stopped avoiding his friends and family, and integrated meditation and self-care into his life. At first, he had a really difficult time with self-compassion, but he found that he was able to begin to try to treat himself with the same compassion with which he treated his friends and family. Focusing completely on one habit makes it easier to do it consistently, and it is the things we do consistently that actually become integrated into our lives and become automatic and habitual. If you tried to do everything in this article all at once, it would be terribly overwhelming and you would ultimately fail. If you master one change before taking the next step, the habits can build on each other. At the same time, you're keeping the number of things that require your attention each day to a minimum. Change can be overwhelming, especially at this time of life. One of the life skills menopause has taught me is to work in manageable chunks. I no longer take on overwhelming projects that I may or may not complete and that leave me running around like a headless chicken; I have realized that I no longer thrive on that level of stress. I much prefer to take on just enough to push me to excel and not too much to stress the bejeezus out of me. It's the same with the hacks: find your Goldilocks zone. The most popular way to consume oats is in the form of oatmeal. Although I am a fan of oatmeal (we eat ours with added wheat bran and some toasted walnuts), I would urge you to avoid the highly processed instant stuff. You can cook proper oatmeal on the stove, or in the microwave, in a few minutes, or you might like to try our recipes on articles 187-188. Barley is an ancient and very tasty grain, with a slightly nutty flavor. It is good in soups and stews.

Barley scores well as a prebiotic because, like oats, it contains lots of beta-glucan. Beta-glucan is a soluble fiber that's been shown not just to boost your biome but to improve your cholesterol levels. It binds cholesterol in your gut, preventing it from being absorbed. This is another healthy prebiotic, a seed with a slight, but not overwhelming, nutty flavor. You can scatter flaxseeds on your cereal in the morning, or add them, toasted, to salads for a delicious crunch. You may even have crooked toes that can't decide between being long or short. Every single toe is beautiful. It is a small part of a great machine that runs only for you. Your toes team up with your feet to transport you wherever your brain decides it wants to go. Take a moment to fill your heart with appreciation for your feet and the work they do. Bring your attention to your knees and legs. There are so many different kinds of legs! Your particular legs are a work of art that only exists to make sure you are mobile. Those legs coordinate with your mind and your feet to take you from one place to another, and for that, they deserve a sweet thank you. Whenever you find yourself comparing your body to someone else's, stop. According to chemistry and physiology, water will always follow sodium through a permeable channel because the positive electrolyte (sodium) ions attract the negative oxygen ions in the water molecules and the water flows where the salt is. The same process happens in a person's blood vessels when they consume sodium in their diets. The sodium becomes absorbed into the bloodstream, and because the sodium concentration in the blood vessels has increased, the sodium starts to draw fluid out of the body cells and into the bloodstream. This causes a rise in blood pressure. Research has found that by simply cutting out salt from one's diet, a person can significantly lower their blood pressure without the use of any medications.

Salt is needed but it can be detrimental if used incorrectly. The same principle applies to sugar. Sugar, as we discussed in previous articles, can worsen our chances of developing diabetes, and should be used only in moderation. Remember, that diabetes does predispose one to develop forms of dementia later on in life. Sometimes, certain sacrifices are worthwhile to make for future gain. If you were to quit a project, you probably wouldn't feel very good about it, would you? Sticking to your promise feels a lot better. If I am feeling out of whack, I stop and ensure I am doing things that honor my core values, then I'm back to being me again. When our values drive our behavior, we feel both confident and at peace with our actions. But first, you need to discover what those values are. Coaching Exercise--Mining for Values There are tons of ways to mine for your values! You and your girl can start by thinking about something you love or love doing. For example, you might love your dog, going to the beach, or painting a picture. I love running, and I always have. This slight feeling of reconnecting is like saving a computer file. It changes the state of the hard drive (bits turn on and off, etc). But in the computer remounting means opening the suction cup and changing the system. This is a non-trivial feeling of reconnecting. In the brain, there is a difference between functional changes (which occur regularly) and structural changes.