Working with a Wall

A hallmark of true success is a motive (an ABC) that calibrates above 200, and the higher it is, the more powerful it is, due to the wider appeal beyond personal egotism. We see the difference between these levels on the rarefied plane of Olympic competition. The disastrous consequences, in both private and public life, of motivations emanating from levels below 200 are all too clearly illustrated by the scandals. Excessive zeal to capture an Olympic medal and defeat one's opponent by any means available has led to the abandonment of the power of ethical principle and a descent to the grossest level of force. Therefore, when Mark and Elaine felt angry or frustrated with their family members, all they could feel was guilt that they were not being loving toward these people they loved. It was terribly confusing, a mess of illogic and false premises based on the first commandment of many families: love your family before anyone else. For a long time, Mark was utterly confused about how he felt about his mother. He knew that he did not feel love for her, yet how else could he understand the depth of his loyalty to her? Elaine certainly could not maintain loving emotions toward her sister when she was disrupting Elaine's life, but she would have done anything for her sister that she could. This confused Mark and Elaine, because they both believed that in order to be good people they had to feel love for their family members all the time, no matter how they were behaving. In order to sort out such confusing feelings, we need the right words to think with. Without question, we can feel bonded, attached, and loyal to our family members, but these emotions may be far removed from the warm, rewarding feelings that we associate with love. You can be intensely bonded to someone because of tribal loyalties and identifications, but this does not necessarily mean you have loving feelings toward them or that you desire to be in their company. We have no choice about our human heritage of family attachment, but it does not follow that we can manufacture love out of heredity. Remember, on autopilot, and we have many cognitive functions (eg, motor memory, breathing, talking, walking, etc), so for those who need attention and effort, we can free up the same cognitive space. You might be surprised at how strong this approach can be, so try telling yourself to remember and concentrate. Practice 1-Minute Selective Refocusing. Concentrate on a particular sound (or visual signals) several times daily for several seconds (eg, a voice or the hum of the AC), then switch to another sound intentionally (eg, outside traffic). For a few minutes, repeatedly switch every minute, consciously focusing on the target sounds as you actively block others out. The more you use it in a particular way, the stronger it becomes in that respect, the more your brain is like any other muscle in your body.

Mindfulness. Train your brain to be aware of itself, including moments when it wanders and loses concentration. Practice noticing these instances and gently return to focusing on your intended goal (be it a meeting, a task, even in a meditation exercise, your breath). Close your eyes, inhale slowly and deeply when your mind takes detours, and tell yourself, Be here now. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with some manifestations of pride. We all may well be proud when our Olympians win medals, but that is a different kind of pride than egotism; It is an honoring of human achievement that transcends personal pride. The Olympics, one of the greatest dramas of human striving, inspires the competitor to move from personal pride to an esteem that is an expression of unconditional love and that honors one's opponents, as well, for their dedication to the same lofty principles. True success, as in true athletic power, is characterized by grace, sensitivity, inner quiet, and paradoxically, gentleness in the noncompetitive lives of even fierce competitors. The ABC that brings about fulfillment is the dedication to something higher than oneself (that is, teammates, God, country, and so forth), which is an energy of self-transcendence that calibrates high on the Map of Consciousness. We celebrate such champions because we recognize that they have overcome personal ambition through sacrifice and dedication to a higher principle. The great become legendary when they teach by example. It is not what they have nor what they do but what they have become that inspires all of us. Their ABC has universal appeal, for it evokes reverence for the selfless dedication inside us all. As a wise teacher and good friend once remarked, the fifth commandment does not tell us to love our parents. It instructs only that we honor our father and mother22. You have no control over whether or not you can feel love for a parent. Sometimes we cannot develop true feelings of love for family members until we have first worked through our other feelings about them. Loyalty, Guilt, and Growth Loyalty and guilt have very different goals than growth, but they are often seen traveling together.

Like it or not, a person on the path of personal growth often feels dogged by the shadowy figures of loyalty and guilt. These feelings can be very hard to shake off and can end up making you spend as much time looking backwards as looking forward. Our psychological growth often strains against our loyalties and when it pulls too hard, guilt results. Erik Erikson observed that children go through a pivotal conflict in early childhood between urges of initiative and feelings of guilt23. This simple practice, borrowed from Zen Buddhism, can help you return to the moment. Take a class-oriented towards concentration. Among the disciplines where concentration is a built-in part of a performance are yoga, mindfulness meditation, and other mind-body classes. To improve concentration, apply the techniques you are learning to other situations. The brain is worth more than brute strength in today's world, and even old tricks can help. We live in a digital world where individuals are striving to get smarter, quicker, surrounded by smart devices and connectivity. Plus, we don't just compete anymore with humans, thank you Automation. We have quick access to data of all sorts. The only way to stay ahead and be good in life is to keep learning and keep getting smarter. To others, this comes naturally, and it does not take much time to understand complex concepts. STEP 2: ENJOYMENT Reflect: Is it something you enjoy doing? Once you are sure your intention has universal appeal, ask yourself whether the endeavor is something you enjoy doing. We watch people force themselves to go to work each morning because they have convinced themselves they must do a certain job, but their heart is not in it. The way to be a success is to do what you like to do, to enjoy what you do, and thereby naturally do it to the best of your ability and experience the joy that comes from giving your best. Here is an example from one patient who came to the clinic because he had everything in life but was miserable.

The patient complained, I've lost interest in my life. I hate going to work in the morning. I have everything I could ever want--Cadillacs, fancy houses, impressive titles, millions of dollars, great family--but I'm depressed. I don't see the point of it all. Erikson poignantly describes how a child becomes symptomatic when too much guilt and loyalty interfere with the child's initiative to go-and-do. The challenge to resolve these conflicting feelings is a difficult one and many people get stuck here, endlessly oscillating in their adult lives between ambition and guilt. How this conflict is settled sets the tone of the child's future. Is the life force of initiative channeled into competence and hopefulness, or does it bring guilt and indecisive worry? The key is whether the child perceives that she can have her cake and eat it too. She desperately needs to know at this point that acting out her initiative does not mean that she will lose the bond with her parents that she continues to need so much. Little girls and boys at this stage need freedom to be healthily aggressive and acquisitive, pursuing and grasping their desires, but they also need to know that freedom has not been won at the expense of family bonds. We can only move forward freely when we are sure that our home base is secure and wants to underwrite our expedition into self-expansion. What do you think were your experiences with initiative and guilt when you were, say, four to seven years old? How about other times in your life when initiative was called for? Just since you're not a genius naturally doesn't mean that you can't grow your intellect through effort and commitment. Studies have shown that you can try making yourself smarter. High intellect is nothing more than a great capacity to identify patterns and solve problems, all of which can be educated. Similar to how you practice your physical muscles, the brain needs to work out. To boost your intellect, intense preparation, rest, and persistence will benefit you. You can be your own enemy sometimes, and that can be the greatest challenge to conquer.

If you assume that the potential of your mind will not change and its ability and is stagnant, you will never be able to develop. It is important to think that with time and effort, you will improve, develop, and grow as this belief will empower your mind. Here are six ways this can be done: Keeping a smart company I don't get any sympathy from my friends. They all envy me. What do you like to do? Do you have a hobby you enjoy? He said, Doc, this will sound crazy to you, but I love to make dollhouses. I have a workshop at the house and love making dollhouses for my children, nieces, and nephews. Do you ever sell any of the dollhouses? He replied, Oh, I never thought of that. I put so much time and effort in them that I could never make money selling them. I made a simple suggestion: Well, for fun, why don't you take the one you're working on now, figure out a price that would be profitable, put a price tag on it, and put it on consignment in any store that will allow it--but not in a toy store, where it will get lost and not seen among the overwhelm of the other merchandise. Did you worry that your success might make someone else feel bad? Or did you know that your family would always be there for you as you went out into the world? In other words, did they leave the light on for you? The Meaning of Your Initiative Conflict between initiative and guilt results in a back-and-forth dance of permission-seeking that people do when they are first tempted to leave the nest. As you nervously approach loved ones with your new idea or plan, you may keep asking them in one way or another, Is this all right?