Destroying the Shiny Object Syndrome

This all makes perfect sense. The problem with protecting people from negative consequences, however, is that it can inadvertently support use. Positive change depends on the experience of positive consequences for positive behavior and negative consequences for negative behavior. These natural inclinations to protect and rescue people you love from the negative consequences of substance use are the enabling behaviors that self-help articles and treatment providers discourage. It's a normal response to pain in relationships, and a good and reasonable attempt to reduce that pain or avoid conflict. Often it works in the short term. But in reinforcement terms, it rewards the behavior you don't want. When Saturn is opposite your Sun sign, you don't connect to its energy naturally, and you'll find yourself being tested until you do. Your big test is to honor their pain. Help them understand that every disagreement isn't about them, that every no doesn't mean rejection, and disappointments don't have to trigger early traumas. But don't be too rigid in your approach. You don't want to ignore their legitimate struggles. SATURN IN VIRGO You're not good at good-byes. Even if you know you're going to see someone soon, you keep coming up with last-minute things to say, a burning question that just can't wait, or a part of the story you left out. You know you should just say Later and be done with it, but instead you go on and on as if you were being led away from the courtroom in chains. Good-byes trigger your abandonment anxiety on a very deep level. Heart-opening spiritual practices and mindfulness practices open consciousness inwardly to the Divine source. Both appear to increase neurogenesis and neuroplasticity along the entire length of the hippocampus, an unusually strong effect compared to most other things that only affect one side or the other. These neurogenic effects support the healing and growth of the brain and self, as well as being strongly antidepressant.

Appendix B: Meditation Practices at the back of the article details instructions for these two practices. There are a number of variations of each. Experiment with the different forms to see which resonates with you. Then stick to that practice as it deepens and opens the riches of your inner being. Psychological Detoxification Psychological toxins come in many forms: toxic people or circumstances, toxic cognitions, and poisonous spiritual beliefs. Detoxification involves eliminating these from your life as much as possible. You don't mean to, but there it is: in attempting to minimize the distress to yourself, your loved one, your family and friends, you can in effect be making it easier for your loved one to keep doing what he's doing. Ignoring Negative Behaviors: The Art of Doing Nothing Another way to influence behavior is simply to ignore it. When a behavior is not reinforced, it is gradually extinguished. Ignoring gives the least amount of reinforcement that you can give: nothing. No reward, no interaction, no response, no attention at all. Ignoring takes not-doing to a whole other level. It should not be confused with cold-shouldering, sulking, or other ways of communicating displeasure through body language that aren't really ignoring; The message of ignoring is I am not interested in this behavior whereas giving someone the cold shoulder says, I'm mad at you. We don't recommend ignoring substance use very often, as withdrawing rewards and allowing consequences are more effective strategies. They also make you clingy. And the most painful part is that that's exactly how you don't want to come across. What this stems from is a fear of disappearing.

It's why you schedule every minute of every day. You're afraid that if you didn't have another meeting to attend or deadline to meet, you would vanish from people's lives altogether. The easiest remedy is to focus on your hellos instead. It makes you more welcoming and genuinely pleased to get together again. It also invites you to relax and enjoy the moments that you're so worried are passing you by. Virgo Saturn . Burdens: Virgo Suns by being difficult to please. Although this is implicit in many of the previous sections, it's worth discussing it on its own. Situational depression . This is the clearest case of toxic circumstances pulling a person down. While many of the situations described earlier may be mysterious at first or unconscious, in situational depression it's usually clear why you're depressed. Most often it's due to some kind of toxic environment--emotionally abusive or unfulfilling, relationship deficiency, financially or emotionally stressful, toxic work environment, etc Toxic relationships are a fact of life, but some people invite such relationships or fail to erect firm boundaries around themselves to protect against such intrusions. When you come away from spending time with someone and feel drained, foggy, bad about yourself, or deflated, chances are you've been emotionally poisoned. Some people suck the energy out of others like a psychic vampire. Other people demand all the attention and create a one-way relationship that requires others' constant attention. There are those whose caustic, constant put-downs of others create around them a cloud of negativity. However, ignoring is helpful for dealing with your loved one's reactions to those strategies. When your loved one tries to engage you with some version of why are you doing this to me--for example, being provocative out of anger or indignation, yelling, swearing, pouting, or sulking--ignoring is the best way to discourage those reactions. If you respond to the sulking, you reinforce sulking (whether fighting about it or comforting it away).

If you yell at your loved one for yelling, you reinforce yelling. Humans are such social animals that even negative attention like complaining, pleading, or fighting can be rewarding, especially when a relationship has broken down to the point where there is little to no positive attention at all. In these situations, negative attention may seem better to your loved one than no attention. We can't sell ignoring without a product label warning. Sometimes ignoring the behavior you don't want results, initially, in an escalation of the behavior, a phenomenon called a behavioral burst. Bursts are often seen right before the behavior extinguishes, or stops altogether, and they are hard for everyone involved. Luckily, they don't tend to last long. Exacerbates: Leo and Libra Suns by focusing on what's not working rather than on what is. Allies with: Cancer and Scorpio Suns by paying attention to the little details that matter. Thwarts: Gemini and Sagittarius Suns by getting stuck on specifics. Mentors: Taurus and Capricorn Suns by building an airtight case. Is anyone's guess with: Aries and Aquarius Suns because it's always coming up with contingency plans. Sometimes good because they're never caught off guard, sometimes bad because they make things unnecessarily complicated--like when their contingency plans have contingency plans. Opposes: Pisces Suns. You see others as having exacting standards. When Saturn is opposite your Sun sign, you don't connect to its energy naturally, and you find yourself being tested until you do. Your big test is to work with them. The list could go on . In contrast, with other people you come away feeling nourished, with more energy, more love, feeling better about yourself and the world. The goal is to get more nourishing people in your life and reduce your toxic exposure.

Of course, it's too simplistic to say someone is toxic or nourishing. Everyone has both nourishing and toxic sides. While personal growth lies in developing the nourishing sides and letting go of the toxic sides, some people live primarily on one side or the other. When someone is primarily toxic for you, the relationship either needs to change or be minimized. If you can confront the person on what isn't working, the other person can hear you nondefensively, and the relationship can transform, great. If not, developing clear boundaries is essential. Sometimes this means limiting contact, sometimes it may mean ending the relationship. In fact, they're often a sign of the end stage of a behavior. As the person realizes that this behavior that previously worked for him doesn't anymore, he makes some last, desperate (often confused and disbelieving) attempts. Bursts end, but only if you don't respond to them. If you respond at the peak, which is often the most painful point for everyone, it just sets a new peak, the person having learned that if he takes you to that edge, you will give in--and that the behavior still works. It can feel brutal, but we encourage you to stay firm and use every self-care skill you have to ride out a burst. You might have to do it a couple of times, but the behavior will likely burn out. To deal with a burst, the most effective strategy is ignoring in combination with positive reinforcement. The moment your loved one stops yelling, sulking, or otherwise acting out, give her your attention. If your husband comes home sober, be willing to sit and visit and give him your time and care. When your daughter stops cursing, ask her if she would like some dinner. Yes, they may be impossibly demanding and are probably the bane of everyone's existence but that doesn't mean they don't have valuable knowledge to impart. Don't let the teacher get in the way of what's being taught. SATURN IN LIBRA