Tuesday 20 October 2020

Did you find it hard to let go of any judgments you have about yourself?

Changes in sleep habits or experiencing nightmares Drop in grade performance Doesn't want to go to school Refuses to ride the school bus Disinterested in friends and avoids social activities Change in mood, decreased self esteem, feeling helpless Harms themselves, runs away or is suicidal If your child is the target of bullies, there are some things you can do to help. JUST IMAGINE. You've done it. You've taken the plunge. You've stepped out of your comfort zone and put yourself into that challenging situation. You're about to give that talk, or ask that person for a date, or write the first sentence of that article. You're mingling at the party, waiting for the whistle to start the game, or waiting to go through that door for your big interview. Your fight-or-flight-response has kicked in, and your mind is now going into a tailspin. Maybe it's predicting disaster. Maybe it's telling you that you can't handle it. Maybe it's simply piling on the pressure, warning you of what's at stake, and what could go wrong. Clusters of interrelated and co-occurring schemas are termed modes. At every session, we seek to deactivate the depressive (or client/patient) mode and activate the adaptive mode (Beck et al.

The Adaptive Mode For much of their lives, most people maintain primarily realistic and balanced core beliefs that are at least somewhat positive (eg, I am substantially in control; I can do most things competently; I am a functional human being; I can protect myself when I need to; I am generally likable; I have worth). When clients are in an adaptive mode, schemas are more functional; The pulley: wordless communication. Nonverbal communication is the pulley of emotionally intelligent language that attracts the attention of others and keeps relationships on track. Eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, posture, gesture, touch, intensity, timing, pace, and sounds that convey understanding engage the brain, influencing others much more than words alone can. The ladder: pleasure in interactive play. Playfulness and humor, the naturally high ladder, enable us to navigate awkward, difficult, and embarrassing issues. Mutually shared positive experiences also lift us up, strengthen our resolve, help us find inner resources needed to cope with disappointment and heartbreak, and give us the will to sustain a positive connection with our work and our loved ones. The velvet hammer: conflict as opportunity for trust building. The way we respond to differences and disagreements in home and work relationships can either create hostility and irreparable rifts or initiate the building of safety and trust--that's why it's a velvet hammer. The capacity to take conflict in stride and forgive easily is supported by our ability to manage stress, be emotionally honest and available, communicate nonverbally, and laugh easily. Taken together, these crucial skills make us able to respond flexibly and appropriately in any situation. First, stay calm. Listen to your child tell you what's happening and how they feel about it.

Don't freak out or your child may not feel comfortable coming to you in the future. Gather as much information as you can about what's happening, when it's happening, and how long it's been happening. Help your child come up with strategies to deal with the bullying on his own. Start a conversation about ways he can handle it, like walking away or acting unaffected. Bullies thrive on reactions. It makes them feel powerful. If they aren't getting a rise out of your child they may stop. Don't advise him to hit back as this could make the situation worse or result in your child getting suspended or expelled. Those thoughts just float on by, like leaves on a stream. You don't have to challenge them, or squash them. You just let them come and go, as if they were merely cars, driving past outside your house. And because you're not investing any effort in fighting them, disputing them, or suppressing them, you can now put your energy into taking effective action. And because you're not entangled in your thoughts, you can engage fully in whatever it is that you're doing. Of course, we wouldn't practise `leaves on a stream' while we're in the middle of a challenging situation, or we wouldn't be able to act effectively. Once this skill is developed, we can go into challenging situations and defuse from our thoughts spontaneously, without needing to rely on such techniques. Remember Sarah, the dancer we spoke about in article 5? In the past, whenever she attended an audition, she'd get so entangled in thoughts of failure, she'd be unable to focus on what she was doing. As a result, she wouldn't dance very well, and she'd fail the audition: a self-fulfilling prophecy. Their negative core beliefs tend to be relatively latent. The adaptive mode has

When clients operate in this mode, they tend to interpret their experiences clearly, without a great deal of distortion. They may have ups and downs in their moods, but they function more highly than when they are in a depressive mode. The Depressive Mode When clients are in the depressive mode, their schemas are dysfunctional, their beliefs more distorted and extreme (Figure 3. Their positive beliefs tend to be latent. The depressive mode has Beck (1999) theorized that negative core beliefs about the self fall into two broad categories: those associated with helplessness and those associated with unlovability. A third category, associated with worthlessness (Figure 3. If this sounds revolutionary, it is. If it sounds too simple, it is not. Real change engages the brain and is an interactive process. Studies show that profound changes can be made in close relationships within three to nine months--a rebirth no longer than one's original creation. Why Is New Information Alone Not Enough for Change? Our brains are uniquely structured to absorb information from people who are important to us. Human survival has always depended on the quality of our relationships with others. Physically vulnerable creatures that we are, we also need to adapt quickly; All of this explains why the human brain throughout life is primed for new learning in emotionally laden and socially relevant contexts. Identify people at school that he can go to for help. Once your child has decided on a strategy, practice it.

Role play will increase your child's confidence. If the bullying continues, contact the school. Arrange a meeting with the teacher and principal and calmly, inform them of the facts. Let them know you're willing to work with them to resolve the situation. Learn about the school's anti-bullying policies and find out what they plan to do. Set a follow-up appointment to check on their progress. WHAT DO I DO IF MY CHILD IS THE BULLY? None of us wants to admit our child could be a bully but it's important we recognize the signs so we can do something about it. However, once she started practising `leaves on a stream' every day for twenty minutes, she soon noticed a huge difference. At auditions, her mind would still generate plenty of thoughts about failure, but she was able to let them come and go without getting wrapped up in them. She could focus on her routine, and danced much better. Did this help her self-confidence? You bet it did! Now pause for twenty seconds, and notice what your mind is telling you. Is the reason-giving machine cranking up? Is Radio Triple F doing a broadcast? Is your mind telling you some version of the `I can't do it' story? If so, no surprises there. Beck, 2005). When clients are depressed, their negative core beliefs may primarily fall into one of these categories, or they may have core beliefs in two or all three categories.

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