Fifteen key questions to help you gain clarity

Depression from failing to get what was needed emotionally much earlier in life In the psychoanalytic world, Heinz Kohut described a depleted, depressed self that emerges after the surface, defensive grandiosity is either worked through in therapy or else crumples from life's blows. This occurs when the young self didn't receive enough attuned emotional support in its early years, usually insufficient confirming, affirming, loving mirroring from mother, father, or caregivers. As a result, the self, rather than expanding and growing with self-confidence, deflates. The healthy vitality that should energize the self never comes online, and the people around the child never recognize what's missing or needed. To cope with this the child disavows these feelings of deflation and develops a coping strategy to compensate for this inner lack through an outer show of grandiosity and superiority. But this is a very brittle, fragile persona that the world sees and is easily punctured by life's arrows. Is it mostly about the substance use? Does the truth come out or do the lies go on and on? Is there remorse? If the dishonesty you see does not spill over into every part of your loved one's life, and it is reasonably contained and regretted, then it is within the range of normal for a person with substance problems. You don't have to like (or pretend to like) your loved one's dishonesty. Your understanding does not preclude consequences for it. You can, however, try to stay calm and use these communication skills to help her be increasingly honest with you over time, while you use your other skills to cope with what you hear. However scary or infuriating the truth is, including the truth of dishonesty, when you know what you're dealing with there is hope and the possibility of helping. Have patience with yourself and the process as you learn these skills. You may be an effective communicator in other areas of your life, but changing the way you communicate with your loved one about substance problems will take practice: practice constructing sentences with the Seven Elements of Positive Communication; Opposes: Libra Suns. You see others as always getting what they want. When Jupiter is opposite your Sun sign, you don't connect to its energy naturally, which means you will always find yourself at a disadvantage until you do.

The best way to tap into your fortune is to hang out with people who aren't afraid to take what's theirs. Opportunities are meant to be seized, not hemmed and hawed over. Fortune favors the bold. JUPITER IN TAURUS Prosperity likes you. But you don't see it as playing favorites. You see it as a reward for all the hard work you put in. Sooner or later some event or series of events pierces the brittle shell of the false self and the early depressed, depleted self emerges. The person has no idea what's going on. To them, it is a complete mystery why they are depressed. Because this is so unconscious and from such an early period in life, it takes time and deep exploration to uncover the roots of the depression and heal the early deficits. However, when this dismantling of the defensive shell occurs in therapy, the person can feel and heal the depleted core, releasing the psyche's innate vitality underneath. As these healthy energies emerge, they become structured into the self and infuse it with joy and excitement. The psychic environment shifts to a more fulfilled and fulfilling life as the person's inner resources become accessible, providing greater resilience in daily life. Another psychoanalytic writer, James Masterson, writes of the original abandonment depression in not only borderline personalities but to some degree in most people. The self collapses without this nurturing. This collapsed, sad, abandoned self looks in vain for support, and not finding it soldiers on as best as possible. The exercises that follow will guide you through that practice. Exercise: Communication Analysis Think about the last argument you had with your loved one that began with you trying to tell or ask him or her something.

Describe the situation in as much detail as you can. Example: I was taking Chris to dinner with me, after which he planned to meet his friends. On the way there I told him, Please don't drink tonight because it's embarrassing and you know what a bad influence those kids you're seeing later can be. He replied that it's not such a big deal and I really don't know his friends at all. I yelled something back (can't remember what now) and we ended up turning around to go home. Now rewrite your part of the argument so that it is positive, brief, specific, names your feelings, shows understanding of your loved one's struggles or point of view, accepts some responsibility, and offers to help. Example: Next time Chris and I have a nice dinner when he doesn't drink, I am not even going to mention drinking. You know that life isn't fair. You could have been one of those seeds from the parable that fell by the wayside where the birds ate it, on rocky ground with no soil, or lost in the weeds. This makes you even more grateful that your life took root on fertile ground and you've been flowering ever since. Now this isn't to say that you're exempt from life's ups and downs. You aren't. You've experienced numerous setbacks and debacles, but through it all you've always maintained a deep and abiding faith that the Universe will provide. You don't see the Universe as doling out handouts; Everybody gets a patch of land to work. And it's up to each one of us to make the most of our resources, talents, and opportunities. Fortune is what you make of it. Later life circumstances, such as the ending of a relationship, trigger this early wounding, creating a depression that is far more than simply mourning the end of a relationship. Here again, because the childhood roots are so early and deep, it takes time, usually years, to uncover and heal the early wounding. As the self re-experiences the original feelings and integrates this loss, a psychic renewal occurs and the person is able to move on with fresh energy.

Depression as chronic inhibition From the somatic side of humanistic-existential psychotherapy comes this contribution by Alexander Lowen, founder of Bioenergetics, an offshoot of Reichian body therapy. Depression results from a personality and body structure that chronically inhibits the free expression of feeling. Emotions are the main guides in life. Although some feelings should not be expressed in daily life (murderous rage, for example), most other feelings do seek for outward expression. Feeling sadness and crying, feeling love and expressing it, sensing anger when boundaries have been crossed, feeling touched by a friend's hardship and providing comfort, feeling interest in something and pursuing it--what we do in life is guided by feelings. Feelings are the primary basis for action. I will appreciate the fact that he is sober and not compare it to when he is not. Also, I think I need to let him know how happy being with him sober makes me feel (though I don't want to lay it on too thick because then he shuts me down) and that I know it's not always easy for him. I'll say something like, Chris, this was so nice--it's really great to spend this kind of time with you (he knows I mean sober, I don't need to say it), and I know it's not always easy for you. I'm happy to take you to see your friends after spending time with you like this. Exercise: Role-Play Now take your positive communication plan and enlist a partner or partners you trust to practice saying it. It's helpful to practice in both roles, to get comfortable with your delivery and also hear what it sounds like from the receiving end. Don't worry about getting it right the first, second, or tenth time. It's called practice because you don't know how to do this yet. We suggest starting with all seven elements in place even if it sounds awkward, and ticking them off (That's accepting partial responsibility, that's offering to help . Taurus Jupiter . Enriches: Taurus Suns by making them prolific. Misses the boat with: Aries and Gemini Suns because it wants something in return.

Fixating on results before investing the time and money is like putting the cart before the horse. Benefits: Cancer and Pisces Suns by making them produce actual things. Squares off against: Leo and Aquarius Suns by making money an object. Blesses: Virgo and Capricorn Suns with funding. Is anyone's guess with: Libra and Sagittarius Suns with its what's in it for me attitude. Sometimes good because these two signs can be too generous; Opposes: Scorpio Suns. When parents don't adequately see, support, and encourage the child's feelings but instead suppress and discourage self-expression, this makes expressing feelings dangerous. Out of fear of disapproval, the child dampens his or her feelings by inhibiting breathing and tightening up muscles. Gradually this creates a structure of chronically contracted muscles known as character armor. This armoring systematically squeezes down feelings and stifles aliveness. The person clamps down on the energy that should be going outward into the world for expression. The person's fundamental aliveness isn't expressed but suppressed and held in. The life force is choked. Over time this chronic inhibition and held-in vitality leads to depression. The solution is to reverse this flow and bring out what is held in, to express rather than suppress. But this is easier said than done. In time it will come more naturally. Role-playing can even bring some fun into humor-deprived areas of your life. In the right spirit, the sheer awkwardness of positive communication before you become fluent can be hilarious.