Helping ourselves to sleep better

But if you believe that you are already terribly stressed out, you can skip Part One and go directly to Part Two for instant relief. When you're happy, you don't keep thinking about it over and over again. It's unfortunate that we're not tuned in to festering happiness, and are more tuned in to festering things that bother us. Karan Johar What is Stress? About 75 to 90 percent of adults visit physicians for problems related to stress. But how many of us realize that stress isn't just an adjective to express our frustration at something that's gone wrong? It can lead to medical conditions that often have severe effects on our mind and body. Russ: Again, I'm not going to debate that with you. You've had lots of friends and business colleagues telling you that it wasn't your fault the company went down, and you don't need to be so harsh on yourself and so on, and that hasn't made any difference whatsoever has it? Your mind still tells you it's your fault, you're a loser, you screwed up. Michael: Yes, because I did! Russ: So here's the thing. If you hold on tightly to those thoughts, and get all caught up in them, does it help you? Does it help you to deal with the situation? To start over? To rebuild your life? Or does it just keep you feeling stuck and hopeless? Most automatic thoughts are situation specific--for example: I shouldn't have let my friend down when he asked me to help him with his mother; It's really bad that I forgot my niece's birthday;

If I try to help my daughter with her class project, I'll do a poor job. But some automatic thoughts express more general ideas--for example: It's terrible to let people down; I should always do my best; If I try to do anything difficult, I'll fail. These latter cognitions are relevant across multiple situations and so are both automatic thoughts and intermediate beliefs. Directly Eliciting an Intermediate Belief Many intermediate beliefs contain a dysfunctional coping strategy. You can identify these beliefs by asking clients directly about these behavioral patterns. To add to her distress, just a few months later Steven developed a serious infection and had to be hospitalized. As the sole caretaker for her three children, Debra was unable to stay with him during his week in the hospital. The sick little baby was overwhelmed, frightened by these strangers who seemed to be out to hurt him with their IV needles, noisy machines, and bustling interruptions of his restless sleep. By the time Steven was two, his father was able to return home. Debra was relieved to have his emotional support. She recovered from the loss of her mother, and family life resumed a normal flow. Steven's older brothers, who had in essence grown up in a very different family, seemed secure and went on to develop emotionally engaging committed relationships with their wives. Steven grew up not knowing how to make friends with others. He had pals but no close friends, and he spent most of his time alone. At the same time, he was very uncomfortable with intense emotions such as sadness or anger, and he always turned the volume down on such feelings when they arose. Here is an example. Maya is a single 27-year-old working woman.

This is what she faces during the course of a typical day: Bit tired from working late last night. And then made 59,456 changes to it. Ate too fast and now stomach hurts a bit. Why is the clock so slow? Boss wants budget proposal a week ahead of planned deadline. Looks like I'll be working late again. Crazy cabbie tried to overtake and ended up hitting my car bumper. Michael: [Long pause] Stuck and hopeless. Russ: So next time your mind starts judging you, what if you could let those thoughts come and go without getting all caught up in them? Would that be a useful ability? Michael: [Long pause] Yes, it would. I then took Michael through the techniques in this article, and I asked him to practise them regularly throughout the day. I specifically asked him to notice and name those thoughts - for example, `Here's Radio Triple F again' or `Aha! The good old Loser story. Thanks mind! When I saw Michael again, three weeks later, he reported that he'd been practising the techniques diligently, and he'd already developed a much greater sense of self-acceptance. He said that thoughts about being a loser were still showing up, but when they did, they hardly bothered him, and he usually found it quite easy to let them come and go. The general question focuses on the meaning or outcome of using the behavior or not using the behavior. Or you can start with a rule or attitude and ask questions to change it into an assumption.

We often do this to find out why the client holds this rule or attitude; Here are a few examples of the kinds of questions you can ask: THERAPIST: What's your belief about asking for help? CLIENT: Oh, asking for help is a sign of weakness, incompetence. THERAPIST: What's the worst that could happen if you don't try to look your best? CLIENT: People will think I'm unattractive; THERAPIST: What would it mean to you if you didn't achieve highly? It's terrible to be mediocre is the client's attitude. When Steven met Stephanie, he experienced an adrenaline rush--she was pretty and clever and seemed attracted to him. He looked forward to their time together and felt happier than he had ever been in his life. His previous marriage had ended badly, and he was aware that his inability to recognize his wife's emotions and communicate things that bothered him was a factor in the divorce. He promised himself that this time things would be different. Stephanie had also been married before and desperately wanted this relationship to work out. She had dated a lot after her divorce and had been in a couple of long-term relationships but never felt deeply in love with any of her partners. Stephanie's family was close--eating dinner together nightly, visiting relatives on the weekend, and going to church together--but like Steven, Stephanie had her own emotional scars from childhood. Stephanie's parents were not emotionally demonstrative, and while they clearly loved their kids, the focus of their attention was on academic achievement. Rational, unemotional behavior was the expected norm, and arguments or disagreements were firmly squelched. As a result, Stephanie had difficulty identifying her feelings, and fearing conflict, she was uncomfortable communicating her needs. No damage, but did I burst his eardrums with my screaming! Hope I sleep well tonight.

Off to bed. Still bristling from fight with cabbie. While hopefully all of us don't have nightmare days like Maya's, we come pretty close, don't we? You could be a working woman who juggles two sets of ageing parents, three kids at school, a home, and to make matters worse, the maid's taken the month off. Or maybe you're a student with extreme exam anxiety who's slowly tipping over the edge as parent's constant demand for excellence becomes unbearable. Or you're the commuter who has to tackle traffic, deal with road rage and rampant car honking to get to work each day. And it's not just the everyday drama. Our lives have become more complex: relationships, even marriages, are increasingly under strain; Michael's story reminds us: our self-judgements are not problematic in themselves - they only become so if we fuse with them. Note: this is very different to repeating positive affirmations such as `I completely accept myself. It showed that when people with low self-esteem made affirmations of self-acceptance, they usually felt worse; This approach gives us yet another rule for the confidence game: Rule 4: Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem. THERE'S NO SHORTAGE OF HOOKS We've looked at some of the mind's most common hooks: dwelling on obstacles, harsh self-judgements, comparisons to others, predictions of failure or disaster. But there are plenty of others: perfectionism, `impostor syndrome' and rehashing old failures, to name but three. Perfectionism results when we get bullied by thoughts such as: `I have to do it perfectly', `I mustn't make mistakes', `I have to do it right first time' or `If I can't do it well, there's no point in trying'. If we let these thoughts boss us around, it's a recipe for disaster. CLIENT: It shows I'm inferior to other people. THERAPIST: What's bad about experiencing negative emotion?