I am free to do whatever I want at any given moment

If frustrated, she either reads her therapy notes (and probably feels better) or keeps track of her thoughts so we can address them together. Finally, as described in the previous article (p. You can use two formats. One, described on articles 256-257, takes the following form: When I think ___________, I should remind myself ___________. Another form is the two-column technique (automatic thoughts and responses), shown below. Automatic thought I want to skip the reunion. It's better for me to go. Healthy relationships can carry us through troubled times, motivate us to be our best, calm us when pressured, make us feel like we belong, and give us a reason to live. These are the kind of relationships you want to hold onto. Unfortunately, many people get trapped in destructive relationships. When you're stuck in an intimate relationship with someone who belittles you, bullies you, or makes you feel unsafe, your stress levels are very high. It is this kind of toxic relationship that you need to let go, even if it can be difficult to cut ties with someone, especially family. If you're stuck in a relationship where conflict and abuse (emotional, verbal, or physical) are commonplace, get out and see how much less stress you have to deal with. Tolerations There are a lot of things that you must tolerate in life, as there is no other way around them. These things test your patience or drain your energy, but they don't have to cause you stress if you don't let them. It's important that you identify the stresses that you must tolerate in life so that you can understand why that particular toleration causes you stress and so that you can create a strategy for managing the stress that comes with them. Or show them how to make large circles with their arms as if they are swimming. This makes it more difficult for someone to hold onto to them.

Finally, they should yell Fire! TEACH TRUST YOUR GUT We all have a built-in alarm that's triggered when danger is lurking. It may take the form of a little voice telling you to beware or an icky feeling in the pit of your stomach. Our kids need to be reminded that if something doesn't seem right and even if they're not sure what it is, they should trust that feeling and get to safety. They also need to be reminded that if this gut feeling, or instinct kicks in, all polite behavior rules are thrown out the window. This is one time when it's OK to say no to an adult and even be rude if something seems off. MAKE A FAMILY PASSWORD If there's nothing they're useful for right now, you can give them some space to rest and just let them be. So here you see the two main purposes of defusion. Firstly, it enables us to `be present': to connect with the world around us, and engage in whatever we are doing. Secondly, it enables us to take effective action. Obviously if our thoughts are helpful, we will make use of them. But if they're not, we'll just give them plenty of space and let them be. To develop genuine confidence, we need to be fully present and engaged in whatever we are doing - whether it's playing golf, giving a speech, making conversation or making love. And we also need to be capable of effective action. Defusion enables both of these things. So why do some people get totally the wrong idea? I could reconnect with people. And someone might have a lead for a job.

If I tell Rita I don't want to change the holiday plan, she'll get angry. If this doesn't get her angry, something else will. I should do what's good for me--not accommodate her all the time. There are two major ways that clients respond to their unhelpful thinking between sessions. They can read their therapy notes, if you've previously evaluated the thought with them in session. Or they can use a list of Socratic questions or a worksheet to evaluate new automatic thoughts. It's better to use the questions on a worksheet verbally with clients. If you successfully help clients evaluate an automatic thought, then you can show them how to use a worksheet that contains the same questions. By analyzing the things you must tolerate from another angle, you can actually reduce the effect it has on you. You might not be able to make it go away, but you can learn to let go of your response to it. To illustrate, here are two identified tolerations. Each shows the effects they have on the individual, followed by the practical solutions the person came up with to eliminate them: Faulty Household Appliances I don't know why I've waited so long to do something about it. I feel disrespected. When they're late for a meeting, I have to repeat myself. When they're late for dinner, I have to wait while the food goes cold. I'll invite guests to arrive at an earlier time that I need to so when they're running late, they actually arrive on time. A family password is a secret phrase or code word known by you and your children only. It's a security measure your family uses if there's ever an emergency and you need to send someone to pick up your child but your child isn't expecting them.

Once the person says the password, your child knows you have sent him and it's OK to go with him. Having a family passwords also makes it difficult for a stranger to lure your child away. Not long ago, news reports told of a foiled kidnapping. A stranger approached two 8 year old boys in Utah after a scouting event. The man said he was there because the boys' parents had asked him to pick them up. The boys asked for the password and the man didn't know it. It was instantly clear this was a dangerous situation and they ran back to the event to get help. Choose a word or phrase that's simple to remember. Why do they think defusion is a clever way to get rid of negative thoughts? Because very often, when we defuse from a thought, it disappears. And often, over time, it shows up with lesser frequency. However, this is just a bonus; Other people mistake defusion as a way to control unpleasant feelings. Because often when we defuse from negative thoughts, we feel better, calmer or happier. But again, this is just a lucky bonus, not the main aim; The purpose of defusion is this: to be present and take effective action. So here's my guarantee: if you start using defusion techniques to try to get rid of negative thoughts or to control how you feel, you'll soon be disappointed or frustrated. Well, firstly, it won't work. When a worksheet isn't sufficiently helpful, conceptualize the difficulty so you'll know what to do. REFLECTION QUESTIONS

What problems could arise in introducing a worksheet to a client? What can you do when a worksheet isn't helpful enough? How can you reduce the likelihood that clients might become self-critical if they can't successfully complete a worksheet? PRACTICE EXERCISE Identify an automatic thought that could interfere with your doing a Thought Record yourself. Then evaluate and respond to this thought using a Thought Record. Next, identify one of your dysfunctional thoughts about any situation, and use the Testing Your Thoughts Worksheet. Also, do a role play in which you introduce a client to one of the worksheets. As you create your stress management plan, make a list like this of all the things that bother you, yet you must tolerate. Then, go through the same process of coming up with solutions that can help you reduce your reactions and stress to any given toleration. Taking Care of Yourself Your stress management plan should also include a section that is all about how you plan to take care of yourself. You're the only you there is, so be kind to yourself and take care of your body and mind. Just like a car stops when it runs out of gas, we humans can't function when we've used up all our energy resources. Tired, run-down, overworked, and under-stimulated people don't have the energy to cope with day-to-day stress. Into your plan include things like what types of exercise you want to try, what foods you want to eat, how much sleep you want to get, and any other methods you can think of for how to take care of yourself. Dealing With Your Emotions Deal with it and get over it is probably one of the worst things to say to someone who is struggling with stress, depression, or anxiety. Avoid words that are obvious to people outside of your family like the name of your dog or favorite sports team. Once you've chosen the word or phrase, use it only once.