The four motivators

You know what he likes. Take some time to think about this and write down as many ideas as you can (in other words, brainstorm). A special dinner of all-organic root vegetables may be your idea of a treat at the end of the week, but if he'd rather eat a porterhouse steak, that would make a more effective reward. If your daughter wants to play drums, it doesn't matter so much that you would prefer that she learn violin. Perhaps you can learn to like her drumming when you see how motivated she is to take lessons and practice rather than hang out with her drinking friends. Evaluate the rewards on your list from her perspective. Keep them (mostly) free, inexpensive, and accessible. You get no joy from poking holes in people's wonderment, but you feel it's your duty. Otherwise they'll wind up buying a false bill of goods. Virgo Jupiters are often inspectors, debunkers, and whistle-blowers. Everyone's grateful that you exposed what you did, but they also miss the magic. Nevertheless, there's still a secret part of you that wishes one day you really will encounter something miraculous that can't be explained. Virgo Jupiter . Enriches: Virgo Suns through its work ethic. Misses the boat with: Leo and Libra Suns because it doesn't take things on faith. Benefits: Cancer and Scorpio Suns by being conscientious. Squares off against: Gemini and Sagittarius Suns by forcing them to do things right the first time. Whatever approach is used, the result is a self that no longer feels helpless and passive but instead an active, effective self that can act even in adverse circumstances. Depression as a result of poor emotion regulation When you are in touch with feelings and use them as the main source of inner guidance, you are led to people, work, and life situations that provide joy, love, and fulfillment.

When you are out of touch with feelings, you stumble into unrewarding, toxic situations and relationships. Anxiety, depression, anger, and suffering of all kinds ensue. Most people are out of touch with their feelings to some degree. But some people are more out of touch than others and thus are led further astray. These blind spots shape everything--perception, life choices, relationships. When people have impaired inner guidance, they veer far off track. Poor, faulty emotion recognition and regulation is rampant in today's world. A reward shouldn't cost a mint or take a village to produce. Do not confuse reinforcement with consumerism that depends on big gifts, new electronic gadgets, or lavish swag for impact. Choose rewards within your budget that expose your loved one to healthy activities and communities: membership to the local YMCA, a backyard barbecue with new friends, foot rubs, favorite foods, or coffee at the bedside after extra minutes to sleep in. The power of rewards to effect lasting change comes from their integration into the fabric of your lives together, so they should be affordable and sustainable. Also, don't forget the value of warm greetings, sincere thanks, or an affectionate touch. Simple appreciation goes a long way--when it is expressed. So often, under stress and on autopilot, we forget to make these gestures. Make it easy for yourself. The rewards you choose to give should feel comfortable to you. If a gift feels like too much, a gesture doesn't feel genuine, or words don't feel honest, keep brainstorming until you identify a reward that is both rewarding to your loved one and comfortable for you. Blesses: Taurus and Capricorn Suns with the means to an end. Is anyone's guess with: Aries and Aquarius Suns because it will always come up with a solution in a pinch. Good for getting them out of tight corners;

Opposes: Pisces Suns. You see other people as opportunistic. When Jupiter is opposite your Sun sign, you don't connect to its energy naturally, which means you will always find yourself at a disadvantage until you do. The best way to tap into your good fortune is to take advantage of what comes your way. An offer, favor, or opening doesn't do you any good collecting dust on the shelf. You need to answer them immediately. Otherwise you'll be left with a string of woulda, coulda, shouldas--and that's no way to live. Our feelings guide us. Some feelings we need to follow; Knowing which feelings to follow and how to follow them is life's most important skill, an essential part of skillful emotion regulation. If your feelings guide you due north, but you were raised in a family that blocks out important emotions, you grow up moving northwest or even west rather than due north. After a few years of this--far from heading straight toward due north--you'll be heading west more and more, and soon you'll be traveling due south. Do this for a few decades and you'll be traveling in circles. You won't know where the hell you are. Of course you'll feel depressed and lost. I have the perfect life, Debbie announced when she entered therapy. I don't understand why I'm depressed. If you feel too hurt or angry to get into the spirit of reinforcement, try scaling back. Reinforcement is not about pretending everything else is fine or cutting someone slack he has not earned. Remind yourself of what you are trying to accomplish.

Positive Communication As Reward Positive communication is in and of itself one of the most powerful reinforcers available to you. People respond well to clear communication, kindness, understanding, and offers to help. In reinforcement terms, they are more likely to repeat behavior that was rewarded with positive communication. I could see it wasn't easy for you to say no when your brothers wanted to do shots with you. I feel very optimistic right now. Good morning! JUPITER IN LIBRA You've always paired well. When it comes to choosing partners you inevitably end up with the smartest person on the project, the most beautiful person in the room, or the wealthiest donor at the fund-raiser. And whether your associations are long or brief, you invariably walk away with something positive to show from the experience. Now this isn't to say that all pairings are ideal. Sometimes you can feel like fugitives from justice handcuffed to each other as you scramble over the rocks and riverbeds in pursuit of the key that will free you. But even in these unlikely alliances there's a higher purpose being served. They get you to put aside your differences and work together. Sometimes these adventures are the very thing that makes you see people in ways you wouldn't have before. They inspire you to revisit your beliefs and drop your prejudices. I have the perfect family, the perfect husband, and the perfect job. I should be happy. My depression must be biological.

Debbie insisted she wanted antidepressants, so she started a course of Prozac for the first part of therapy. This helped a little, but after two years it stopped having much effect, so she stopped. By then it was clear that her perfect life was far from perfect. She discovered she had many more feelings about her life than she'd known. As the safety of the therapy process allowed her to sense into her experience more fully, to name and explore hidden feelings, she saw how her relationship with her husband was actually quite emotionally abusive. It replicated her relationship with her emotionally abusive dad, a demanding figure who minimized her needs and feelings, put her down continually, and led her to minimize her own emotional needs. Her husband was a new version of her familiar father. It's so nice to have company at breakfast. Don't forget nonverbal communication. Verbal communication can seem like a minefield when you are attempting to extract yourself from entrenched negative patterns. A kiss, a hug, a pat on the arm, a touch as you walk by, a smile, a knowing expression that says you feel the same way--these are the pictures of communication, and worth a thousand words. What's hard about this . People often resist rewarding their loved ones because they think they wouldn't be expressing their real (hostile) feelings and they expect their loved ones would see through their faking it. If you have to fake it, you shouldn't do it. But if you see the value of moving past anger, and feel ready, there's a good chance you have other, positive feelings as well. Remember that your real feelings are complicated and variable (you might love him and miss him one moment and want to wring his neck the next). Keep the objective in mind--reinforcing the change you want to see--and try to call up some genuine warmth, appreciation, and approval to reward positive behavior when you see it. Many people think that Jupiter in Libra makes you lucky in love, and it does insofar as your partner brings good things. But it's not about finding the perfect mate, it's about finding the right person to open your world. Libra Jupiter .