The power of belief

What do these experiences say about you? I asked LENNY to keep a credit list of everything he did each day that was even a little difficult but that he did anyway. Once we identified an important adaptive belief (I'm competent, with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else), I added a question at the beginning of each session: How strongly do you believe today that you're competent? When did you believe that most strongly this week? What was going on? Examining Advantages of the Adaptive Belief I also helped LENNY examine the advantages of seeing himself as competent. We identified several advantages: It would be more reality based, increase his self-confidence, make him feel better about himself, improve his mood, motivate him to try things that seemed difficult, and help him accomplish tasks. Obsession with food: hordes, gorges, refuses to eat, hides food The list is long enough to include relationship difficulties that just about everyone has had at home or at work at one time or another. The problem is in degrees: can we as adults develop a successful, fulfilling, sustained relationship with at least one significant person, or are relationships perpetually strained, broken, or avoided? What matters most, however, is that because of the brain's lifelong flexibility--another monumental recent neurological discovery--there is always the potential for creating new patterns of communication based on the kinds of experiences observed in secure attachments. Especially hopeful are studies of couples with only one secure partner, which indicate that the positive influence of that partner in the relationship can lead to the development of greater security in the insecure partner. What Attachment Insight Tells Us About Our Love Relationships The powerful life-altering impact of our first love relationship has surprising things to teach us about our adult love relationships. First, this primary relationship is based entirely on emotionally charged wordless forms of communication. Although newborn infants can't talk, reason, or plan, they are well equipped to get their own needs met. When your brain senses danger in any shape or form, and you're having a fight or flight response, your heart will beat faster, you'll get agitated, have hyper reflexes and be quick to respond. This entire process prepares the body for life-threatening situations.

So, if a maniac driving a speeding car is headed towards you, you've got all you need to quickly jump out of the way. If a thief tries to snatch your handbag, your body swoops into action and your arms cling to the object of desire. And if your girlfriend shows up at a restaurant where you're merrily entertaining another woman, you instinctively dive under the table for protection. However, we're meant to use the fight or flight defence system sparingly. If every moment of our waking day is spent trying to survive another stress attack, we're in a heap of trouble. The upside of stress Now the good news: As I have mentioned before, not all stress is bad. In fact, a little bit of pressure is actually good for you. These might include: watching movies, reading articles, having great conversations, or participating in a sport, hobby or creative pursuit. But once you step outside of your comfort zone, and try to focus in more challenging situations - for example, when you're learning a difficult skill or trying to meet a tight deadline, or you have to attend a meeting with somebody difficult - then you will usually find it much harder. So, mindful breathing is an excellent way to improve your ability to focus. And naturally, the more you practise, the better you'll get. The exercise above is mindful breathing in its most basic, `no-frills' form. However, there are various elements that you can add to the exercise that might make it easier or more interesting. I invite you to try them out the next few times you practise, and find out which approach works best for you. Option 1: Counting the breath Count each breath you take, silently saying the number as you exhale. Once you reach ten, go back down to one and start again. Pointing Out the Meaning of Positive Data Early in treatment, when we identified one of LENNY's adaptive behaviors, I praised him and often characterized these actions as showing evidence of competence and other related qualities:

It's so good you helped your neighbor. I think it shows you have a lot of skills--plus I think it's another example of how competent you are--do you agree? It sounds like your grandson's soccer coach saw you as a real asset. Do you think that's right? Persevering like that, until you finished the forms, shows how hard working you are, doesn't it? Getting your apartment in order really indicates you're taking control; As therapy progressed, I elicited the meanings from LENNY. What does it say about you that you were so helpful at the homeless shelter? The parts of their brains that immediately come on line after birth have to do with survival, and survival has to do with emotional awareness. They don't know what they need; When an infant is able to communicate its needs to someone who has the ability to use her or his own feeling state to grasp the baby's meaning and to respond sensitively, something life-altering and wonderful occurs. It's the language of emotional intelligence at its purest and best. First love relationships teach us: Love isn't enough to ensure a strong and lasting love relationship--trust, shared joy, and emotionally fulfilling communication are equally essential. Good intentions and willpower aren't enough either--the resources for creating trust, emotional understanding, and joy are also needed. Relationships have the power to influence the way the brain develops. Knowing what is responsible for success or failure in early love relationships offers us a new model for attracting and sustaining relationships that grow more meaningful and rewarding over time. Misattuned relationships can be repaired. As Dr Brian Pinto says, ` A small amount of stress is required. You need some anxiety to perform.

If there's no stress at all, you will become the chilled out bum lying on a beach in Goa all day'. Essentially, it's the difference between lying on your couch watching really bad reruns on TV while covered in a blanket of wafer residue, and waking up, showering, and heading off to work. It's pure motivation. The extra bit of anxiety can make you sharper, more alert, and determined to succeed. I think it's a very utopian concept. I think there should always be a little bit of angst in everybody to push them forward. I have my angst and I enjoy it. JOHN ABRAHAM, ACTOR If at any point you lose track of the numbers, simply start again from one. Option 2: Coloured breath Visualise the breath flowing into and out of your lungs, as if it were coloured. You can imagine your breath any colour you like; Option 3: White light and dark clouds You can imagine yourself breathing in white light as you inhale, and breathing out dark clouds as you exhale. Option 4: Repeating words You can silently repeat words as you breathe in and out. For example, you can slowly say, `Breathing in' as you inhale and `Breathing out' as you exhale. Or you might simply say, `In' and `Out'. What does it say about you that Charlie wants you to keep working for him? Referencing Other People

One way to help clients get some distance from their beliefs is to ask them to think about how the adaptive belief might apply to other people or what others' perspective about them might be. Here are several ways to do that: Ask clients about people who historically viewed them in a favorable light: Who in your life believed most strongly that you were competent? Could this person have been right? Ask them to think of a specific person and how they would evaluate this person in terms of the adaptive belief: LENNY, who is someone whom you view as competent in most ways? What have you done this week that you would say shows that [this person] is competent if he or she had done it? Ask them to reflect on whether they would discount positive evidence if they compared what they did to a hypothetical negative model: LENNY, you don't believe that paying all your bills is a sign of competence. But would a truly incompetent person have been able to do that? Even individuals who lack positive attachment skills can learn to develop and apply these skills in intimate and other emotionally close relationships. How Attachment Insight Applies A relationship with an emotional charge can trigger emotional memories and any behavior attached to these memories. When our boss or a coworker dismisses or criticizes us, we can be instantly drawn into the emotions and sensations we felt so long ago. If we haven't learned how to calm and soothe these feelings, they can get the better of us, disrupting our work to a degree that is disabling. Even more important, if like Stephanie or Steven we are unaware of our needs, we may never be able to find fulfillment in what we do. No matter how smart we are or how ably we perform our duties, we can't escape the interpersonal nature of most work environments. The more skilled we are at communicating not only our thoughts but also our feelings, the greater likeliness there is of finding and perpetuating meaningful and rewarding work relationships. People who experience success in their work: Allen: A Man Who Could Accept Some people claim they work better under stress. They start studying for important exams a day before they have to write them, start work on their office reports at 5 pm, an hour before their punch-out time, or are racing across an airport trying to catch a fight a minute before it's ready to take off.