The world is exciting because of its variety

Nate: [pause] Okay. I hadn't seen it that way, but yes, I would agree with that. Russ: So here's the thing. Insecurities pop up all the time, creating wedges between people instead of opportunities to build greater trust. The ability to recognize and read nonverbal cues. As we've seen, the most important information conveyed in relationships often is emotional and nonverbal. It consists of an ongoing interplay that includes eye contact, facial expression, tone of voice, posture, touch, intensity, timing, and pace. In personal as well as work relationships, another person's upset may or may not have anything to do with you, but it is good practice to be observant and inquire. The capacity to be playful in tense and awkward situations. Many confrontations can be avoided and differences resolved through the use of humor and reliance on mutual play, such as in the following example: Sam is a morning person. When he wakes up, he wants to start his day by being intimate with his new wife. But Judy is a night owl and is groggy in the morning. He was relatively close to one cousin and less so to one brother. He saw and spoke to his other brother and his mother infrequently and didn't feel close to them. Best Lifetime Functioning (Including Strengths, Assets, and Resources) LENNY was at his best when he finished high school, got a job, and moved into an apartment with a friend. This period lasted for about 6 years. He did well on the job, got along well with his supervisor and coworkers, socialized often with good friends, exercised and kept himself in good shape, and started saving money for the future. He was a good problem solver, resourceful and resilient.

He was respectful to others and pleasant to be around, often helping family and friends without being asked. He was hardworking, both at work and around the house. He saw himself as competent, in control, reliable, and responsible. I'm going to share with you my experience, and I want you to see if it fits with yours. If not, that's fine; But in my experience, when someone says `I don't have the motivation' what they really mean is, `I have a desire to do it, and it is important to me - but I'm not willing to take action unless I feel good, happy, positive, inspired, energised, confident, or in the mood. As long as I feel tired, sleepy, lazy, anxious, fearful, unconfident or not in the mood, then I'm not going to do it. Nate: [long pause] Well I don't like to admit it, but . MOTIVATION vs COMMITMENT Nate, like most people, understands motivation to be primarily a feeling. If we feel good about doing something - if we're positive, excited, enthusiastic, revved up or inspired - then we say we `feel motivated'. And if we don't have those pleasant feelings, then we say we're `unmotivated' or we've `got no motivation'. Unfortunately, if we equate motivation with a feeling, we will soon get stuck. So Sam gets up, makes coffee, and brings it back to bed, holding it under her nose to wake her up. He playfully cradles her like a child sipping soup while whispering lusty comments in her ear and watching as she warms up in more ways than one. A note of caution about the use of humor in a conflict: conflict is a trigger for vulnerability that a person may be attempting to hide by posturing. Humor in the presence of vulnerability can be misinterpreted and experienced as contempt. No one likes to be laughed at--it's humiliating and enraging. Your sense of humor is best used first to calm and soothe yourself. You can use humor to put the situation into a more agreeable perspective or to reframe it entirely--for yourself.

But if you appear to be laughing at the person you are having a conflict with, you will most assuredly fan the flames of resentment and derail the process of conflict resolution. These communication skills help resolve conflict in relationships in the following ways: Making it possible to hear others He viewed others and his world as basically benign. His future seemed bright to him. He also functioned highly after this time, though he had more stress in his life after he married and had children. History of Present Illness LENNY developed depressive and anxious symptoms 2 1/2 years ago. His symptoms gradually worsened and turned into a major depressive episode about 2 years ago. Since that time, symptoms of depression and anxiety have remained consistently elevated without any periods of remission. History of Psychiatric, Psychological, or Substance Use Problems and Impact on Functioning LENNY became quite anxious about 2 1/2 years ago when his supervisor changed his job responsibilities and provided him with inadequate training. He began to perceive himself as failing on the job and became depressed. Because it pulls us back into the trap of trying to get the right feelings before we take action. And as we know, that's a sure-fire way to get bogged down in The Waiting Place. However, once we recognise that motivation simply means desire, we're in a much better space for changing our behaviour; And in particular, we want to distinguish between the desire to avoid discomfort and the desire to act on our values. These motivations will often pull us in wildly different directions - and the avoidance-driven life is far less rewarding than the values-driven life. Now, we can't eliminate our desire to avoid discomfort; But we can make room for it and choose to act on our values instead.

To do this requires a major change in our mindset: we need to shift the emphasis from `motivation' to `commitment'. It's easiest to explain this with an example. Since I became a published author, scores of people have come up to me and told me they want to write articles. By not getting emotionally overwhelmed, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication. Making it possible for others to hear you When you can both express and control your emotions, you are able to communicate your needs without threatening or punishing others. Aiding in problem solving By being calm, focused, and emotionally present, you can access the fullest range of information and can negotiate with maximum impact and potentially lasting results. Offering positive alternatives to knee-jerk, disrespectful, and hurtful communication and behavior Avoiding punishing and degrading words and actions allows people to reunite faster. Building trust When conflict and disagreement can be worked out quickly and painlessly, trust flourishes. The Influence of Childhood Experiences His depression increased significantly when he lost his job 6 months later. He withdrew into himself and stopped many activities: helping around the house, doing yard work and errands, and seeing his friends. His wife then became highly critical, and his depression became severe. He had not had any problems with alcohol or other substances. History of Psychiatric, Psychological, or Substance Abuse Treatment, Type, Level of Care, and Response LENNY and his wife had had three joint outpatient marital counseling sessions with a social worker about 2 years ago; LENNY reported it did not help.

He reported no other previous treatment. Developmental History (Relevant Learning, Emotional, and Physical Development) LENNY had no relevant difficulties in his physical or emotional development or in his school performance. However, very, very few of them ever actually sit down and write one. Lack of motivation is not the problem: they all have the desire to write. What's missing is the commitment: they are not willing to do what is required. Almost always, what's stopping them is the confidence gap: they're waiting until the day they feel confident before they're willing to take action. And as you know, life doesn't work that way. At this point in the article, you probably know the golden rule off by heart, but just for good measure here it is again: The actions of confidence come first; The `motivation gap' is very similar to the confidence gap: we wait until we feel motivated before we commit to action. Fortunately, we can tweak the golden rule to help us escape: Committed action comes first; I've experienced the truth of this many, many times while writing this article. At the start of a session I usually have to force myself to write. The success or failure of your early attachment bond creates expectations about how people will respond to you now. People who grew up believing their needs would be met are resilient and can remain focused, relaxed, and creative in challenging situations. People who grew up without such expectations do not trust themselves or conflict. What kinds of attachment experiences set the stage for how disagreements will be approached in the future? Let's look at two responses to a similar problem, which demonstrate secure and insecure reactions to differences: Nat's mother was skilled at understanding her child's needs and resolving differences without shaming or punishing him. He went through periods of rebellion as a toddler and teenager without having to give up on himself or on his parents.