How is this part of something larger?

There were many disagreements, but they ended in compromises that Nat was able to accept. When he met Toshi, Nat was surprised by the amount of time and attention she asked of him--more than he required, though he deeply loved her. Nat was able to tell Toshi how he felt without humiliating her. Personal, Social, Educational, and Vocational History LENNY was the oldest of three sons. His father abandoned the family when LENNY was 11 years old, and he never saw his father again. His mother then developed unrealistically high expectations for him, criticizing him severely for not consistently getting his younger brothers to do homework and for not cleaning up their apartment while she was at work. He had some conflict with his younger brothers who didn't like him bossing them around. LENNY always had a few good friends at school or in the neighborhood. After his father left, he developed a closer relationship with his maternal uncle and later with several of his coaches. LENNY was an average student and a very good athlete. His highest level of education was a high school diploma. LENNY started working in the construction industry in high school and had just a few jobs in the industry between graduation and when he became depressed. I make my fingers hit the keypads and I push out the words, one by one. My jaw is tense, I have knots in my stomach, and my mind screams `This is utter crap! But I come back to my values - creativity, self-expression, helping others, facing my challenges, improving my ability to communicate - and I commit to doing the writing. And at times, the entire session is a gruelling slog. That's when I empathise with Thomas Harris (no relation), best-selling author of Silence of the Lambs, who compared writing to digging a fifty-foot ditch. However, at other times, once I get into it, I start feeling good; I feel inspired, excited and revved up about what I am writing.

Thus, the way I feel is largely out of my control; Adopting the golden rule - action first, feelings later - is a win-win strategy. Because if we're acting on our values, we're creating a richer, fuller life. In finding a way to address issues that mattered to each of them, their differences were resolved and they grew closer in the process. Nat's flexibility is also apparent in his work relationships. His office staff knows that he will take the time to address their concerns patiently, and this trait has made him an exceptional manager. Dan's mother had to be hospitalized during his infancy; Dan grew up feeling resentful and fearful of conflict. By the time he became an adult, Dan had learned to numb his more vulnerable feelings to the point that he barely recognized them. He also failed to recognize his longing for closeness and tenderness. When he fell in love with Rosario, Dan thought his unhappy past was behind him, but her requests for time, attention, and care overwhelmed and enraged him to the point that resolving their differences became impossible. At work, Dan often found himself in conflict with supervisors and coworkers who made requests from him, and he was likely to snap at them when they interrupted what he was already doing. Secure responses to conflict are characterized by the following: He worked his way up in customer service until he became a supervisor. He got along well with his bosses, supervisors, and coworkers and had always received excellent evaluations until his most recent supervisor. Medical History and Limitations LENNY had a few sports-related injuries in high school but nothing major. His health was relatively good, except for moderately high blood pressure, which he developed in his late forties. He didn't have any physical limitations. Current Nonpsychiatric Medications, Treatment, Adherence, and Side Effects

LENNY was taking Vasotec, 10 mg, 2 x per day, with full adherence to treat high blood pressure. He had no significant side effects. He was not receiving any other treatment. And if the feelings we want show up later, that's a lovely bonus; But even if those feelings don't show up later - and there's no guarantee they will - we're still acting on our values, doing what makes our lives meaningful. Now take ten seconds and notice what your mind is saying. Is your mind protesting again? Is it saying: `What do you mean, there's no guarantee that those good feelings will show up later? Unfortunately, that's just the way it is. To be accurate, the golden rule should be stated like this: The actions of confidence come first; This is simply acknowledging reality: we have far more control over our actions than over our feelings. Our minds don't like to admit this, so don't take my word for it: check it out with this simple thought experiment. Suppose I held a gun to your head and asked you to do something you've never done before in your life, like juggling flaming torches, riding a unicycle or somersaulting from a flying trapeze; The capacity to recognize and respond to important matters A readiness to forgive and forget The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing A belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties Insecure responses to conflict are characterized by the following: An inability to recognize and respond to matters of great importance to the other person Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions

The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment The expectation of bad outcomes The fear and avoidance of conflict The first occurrence of LENNY's psychiatric symptoms began 2 1/2 years ago when LENNY began to display mild depressive and anxious symptoms. The precipitant was difficulty at work; He began to withdraw from other people, including his wife, and started spending much of the time when he was home sitting on the couch. His symptoms steadily worsened and increased significantly when he lost his job and his wife divorced him, about 2 years ago. His functioning steadily declined after that. At intake, he was spending most of his time sitting on the couch, watching television, and surfing the web. Maintaining Factors Highly negative interpretations of his experience, attentional bias (noticing everything he wasn't doing or wasn't doing well), lack of structure in his day, continuing unemployment, avoidance and inactivity, social withdrawal, tendency to stay in his apartment and not go out, increased self-criticism, deterioration of problem-solving skills, negative memories, rumination over perceived current and past failures, and worry about the future. Values and Aspirations Family, autonomy, and productivity were very important to LENNY. For sure you would. You wouldn't do it very well; Now suppose I tell you to feel confident while you're learning to do those things. Could you do it? And that's why the golden rule is `actions first'. DISCIPLINE AND WILLPOWER The `no motivation' story has two close relatives: `I've got no discipline' and `I've got no willpower.

The fantasy our minds conjure up is that there is something called `discipline' or `willpower' and once we possess this thing, we'll be able to start doing what really matters. This fantasy is reinforced by everyday language: when we hear, `It takes discipline to get up early in the morning and go to the gym', it sounds like there is some magic potion called `discipline', and until we have this magic potion, we can't get up early and go to the gym. Unfortunately, if we buy into this fantasy, then we encounter one of two problems. Some of the most difficult conflicts that people with insecure attachment face are with themselves, rather than with those they share a relationship with. Painful and fearful expectations of what will happen to them color their perceptions of what is happening. For these people, the resolution of their conflict begins with self-inquiry, but it is facilitated by the investment of others who care enough to lend understanding and compassionate support. Audrey: The Woman Who Was Used Audrey's mother was attractive, charming, and funny when sober, but much of the time she was drunk and verbally abusive to her young daughter. Although Audrey's scars weren't physical, they were deep nonetheless--her memories from earliest childhood were of being screamed at and cursed for being selfish and no good. Her stepfather tried to protect Audrey, but there was a limit to what he could do. The day she graduated high school, Audrey left home. Smart, pretty, and hardworking, she found a secretarial job in a large company and began taking night school classes. After earning her degree, she was promoted to a better job in another city. He aspired to rebuild his life, to recapture his sense of competence and ability to get things done, to get back to work, to become financially stable, to reengage in activities he had abandoned, and to give back to others. Narrative Summary, Incorporating Historical Information, Precipitants, Maintaining Factors, and Cognitive Conceptualization Diagram Information For most of his life, LENNY demonstrated many strengths, positive qualities, and internal resources. For many years he had had a successful work history, marriage, and family. He had always aspired to be a good person, someone who was competent and reliable and helpful to others. He valued hard work and commitment. His strongly held values led to adaptive behavioral patterns of holding high expectations for himself, working hard, solving his problems independently, and being responsible.