How can I be closer and more genuine with the people I already know?

His corresponding intermediate beliefs were If I have high expectations and work hard, I'll be okay. I should solve problems myself. I should be responsible. Problem one: we go off in search of the magic potion - reading articles or doing courses to try and develop more willpower or discipline - instead of committing to action right now. Problem two: we decide the magic potion is unobtainable, and we give up on doing what matters because we `don't have enough' discipline or willpower. So let's be clear: there is no magic potion; These words are merely descriptive labels; When we say someone has discipline or willpower, all we mean is this: this person consistently commits to acting on their values, and doing what is required to achieve their goals - even when they don't feel like doing it. So once again, actions come first, feelings later. First we learn to act consistently on our values, irrespective of how we are feeling. And after we have established that as a habit, then we will feel like we have discipline or willpower. SNEAKY HOOKS Our minds will never run out of ways to hook us, and as you can see, some hooks are sneakier than others. Her new life far from the terrible memories of childhood made her feel safe and happy. It wasn't long before Audrey met and fell in love with Josh, who was good-looking, charming, and funny. From the beginning, however, there were signs of trouble that Audrey might have picked up on if she had been more alert. Josh had a relentless need to be on the go, and he seemed unable to relax without having a drink. But Josh didn't get noticeably drunk, so Audrey dismissed what she saw. Once they were married, Josh's dependency on alcohol became more obvious, as did the familiar pattern of living with someone who was cruel--Josh was verbally abusive to Audrey. But she loved him and did her best avoid a divorce .

That ended the marriage. Heartbroken, Audrey entered therapy to try and understand what had happened and to rebuild her life. Her therapist picked up on Audrey's rigid self-reliance and began helping her rebuild trust in others. His core beliefs about the self were that he was reasonably effective and competent, likeable, and worthwhile. He saw other people and his world as basically neutral or benign. His automatic thoughts, for the most part, were realistic and adaptive. But the meaning LENNY put to certain adverse childhood experiences made him vulnerable to having his negative beliefs activated later in life. His father left the family permanently when LENNY was 11 years old, which led him to believe that his world was at least somewhat unpredictable. His mother criticized him for failing to reach her unreasonably high expectations. Not realizing her standards were unreasonable, LENNY began to see himself as not fully competent. But these two beliefs weren't rock solid. LENNY believed that much of his world was still relatively predictable and that he was competent in other ways, especially in sports. As an adult, when LENNY began to struggle on the job, he became anxious, fearing that he wouldn't be able to live up to his deeply held values of being responsible, competent, and productive. These stories about lack of motivation, willpower and discipline are particularly seductive, but they are all basically variants of `I can't do it; I'm not good enough. So next time you hear your mind say, `I've got no motivation', recognise that's actually impossible and unhook yourself. Then clarify the desire that is driving your behaviour. Is it the desire to avoid discomfort and do what makes you feel good in the short term (avoidance drive)? Or is it the desire to act on your values and do what enriches your life in the long term (values drive) ? Next ask yourself, `If I let this desire dictate my actions, will it take my life in the direction I want to go?

Finally ask yourself, `Even though I don't feel motivated, am I willing to do what will make my life richer? And if you answer yes, then ACT: accept your thoughts and feelings, choose a valued direction, take action mindfully. However, if your answer is no, then you'll need to unleash . The process Audrey invested in made her aware of how tense she often felt and what she could do about it. She also became familiar with her emotions, such as sadness and fear, that she had avoided for so long, and she began experiencing more positive feelings. During this state of self-discovery, Audrey became aware of Kirk, someone who had always been a part of her social group but whom she had never really noticed before. Kirk was quiet and a little shy around her, but a genuineness about him came through in his warm, engaging smile and the kind expression on his face and in his eyes. When Kirk asked Audrey out, she hesitated because he also told her that he had had a crush on her for a long time--a statement that made Audrey feel uncomfortable, perhaps because she believed him! Audrey had listed the qualities she was looking for in a man, with kind, dependable, and interested in me, as well as himself at the top of her list. Kirk had these qualities. He listened attentively with understanding and anticipated her needs; The first time they made love, Audrey felt so tense that she had to ask Kirk to stop. Before ending the relationship, Audrey's therapist encouraged, examine your feelings when you are with Kirk. The anxiety led to worry, which caused difficulties in concentration and problem solving, and his work suffered. He started to view himself and his experiences in a highly negative way and developed symptoms of depression. His core belief of incompetence/failure became activated, and he began to see himself as somewhat helpless and out of control. His negative assumptions surfaced: If I try to do hard things, I'll fail; If I ask for help, people will see how incompetent I am. So, he began to engage in dysfunctional coping strategies, primarily avoidance. These coping strategies helped maintain his depression.

Failing to be as productive as he thought he should be and avoiding asking for help and support from others, along with harsh criticism from his wife for not helping around the house, also contributed to the onset of his depression. He interpreted his symptoms of depression (eg, avoidance, difficulty concentrating and making decisions, and fatigue) as additional signs of incompetence. Once he became depressed, he interpreted many of his experiences through the lens of his core belief of incompetence or failure. Michael Jordan's biography, on the website of the National Basketball Association, reads: `By acclamation, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. It's hard to believe that at the age of 16, he failed to make it into his high school basketball team. But it's not so hard to believe that he practised long and hard and made it into the team the following year. Jordan has a healthy attitude towards failure. In his own words: I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot . I've failed over and over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed. In other words, in learning to do anything well, we're going to make plenty of mistakes along the way. This led Audrey to the discovery that the very things she wanted were things that frightened her when they did occur: the loving, open way Kirk looked at her, the way he bent down and inclined his head toward her, and even the way he shut off his cell phone when he was with her made Audrey feel apprehensive. When he is so nice to me, it gives me the creeps and I recoil from his touch, Audrey explained with sadness. Why do you suppose Kirk's tenderness elicits such negative reactions from you? After a long pause Audrey answered tearfully, I guess it's because I am afraid his affection for me can't be true. How can Kirk love me when I'm unlovable? Audrey was so used to feeling something was wrong with her that positive feelings, at first, felt unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Audrey took what she learned about herself and used it wisely, revealing to Kirk her feelings of self-doubt and self-loathing.

Because of her emotional awareness and honesty, Kirk was able to be patient and understanding. It took time before her self-deprecating habits of mind were replaced by a new sense of herself as a worthwhile person, but both she and Kirk persevered. Differing Needs Create Challenges Three of these situations are noted at the bottom of the Cognitive Conceptualization Diagram. Once LENNY became depressed, he started to view other people differently. He feared that they would be critical of him, and he withdrew socially. Historically, he had seen his world as potentially unpredictable. After losing his job and his wife blindsiding him, he began to view his world as less safe (especially financially), less stable, and less predictable. PART FIVE: TREATMENT PLAN Overall Treatment Plan The plan was to reduce LENNY's depression and anxiety, improve his functioning and social interactions, and increase positive affect. Problem List/Client's Goals and Evidence-Based Interventions Unemployment/get a job. And the further we venture into uncharted waters, the more likely we are to screw up. Now, I don't know anybody who likes making mistakes or screwing up, but if we can accept failure as an essential part of all self-development, we'll be much better off than if we fight it. Many successful people have spoken on this subject. Thomas Watson, president of IBM, was asked, `What is the formula for success? The great wartime leader Sir Winston Churchill said: `Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. And the US philosopher John Dewey put it this way: `Failure is instructive. The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as from his successes.