How can I relate to this new person?

But while it's easy to go along with this intellectually, it's hard to actually embrace it in reality. Because failure does not feel good! Earlier I mentioned `the reality gap': that painful gap between the reality we want and the reality we've actually got. It almost goes without saying that different people require different things to make them feel comfortable and safe. Needs aren't whims--this is so much so that needs create some of the most severe challenges in home and work relationships. Needs play such a prominent role in our lives: They are about issues that continue to matter to you, and they stay with you over time. They support survival and well-being, as they can't be postponed indefinitely without dire consequences. They continue to fester if ignored, turning up unexpectedly at inappropriate times or in connection with other issues. They are felt experiences in our bodies, attached to inescapable sensations that create a serious source of stress if ignored. They have an emotional charge and occupy a place of prominence in your life that sticks with you whether you like them or not. Differing needs are at the heart of common and serious relationship conflicts, such as in the following examples: Rosie got along great with her coworkers until she was transferred to a new department. Examined advantages and disadvantages of looking for similar job as before versus initially getting a different job (one that would be easier to obtain and perform), evaluated and responded to hopeless automatic thoughts (I'll never get a job and even if I do, I'll probably get fired again), problem-solved how to update resume and look for a job, and role-played job interview. Avoidance/reengage in avoided activities. Scheduled specific tasks around the house to do at specific times and did behavioral experiments to test his automatic thoughts (I won't have enough energy to do this; I won't do a good enough job on this). Evaluated and responded to automatic thoughts (such as Doing this will just be a drop in the bucket). Scheduled social activities and other activities that could bring a sense of pleasure. Taught LENNY to give himself credit for anything he did that was even a little difficult and keep a credit list.

Social isolation/reconnect with others. Scheduled times to get together with friends and family; He'll be critical of me for not having a job), discussed what to say to friend about having been out of touch, and did behavioral experiments to test interfering thoughts. The bigger the reality gap, the more painful the feelings that arise. And failure pulls us smack-bang into that gap. And that hurts, badly. For most of us, it hurts every bit as much as a physical injury - if not more so. No wonder we all tend to fear it! Now, as you know, human beings do not like uncomfortable feelings. So to avoid the pain of failure, we often quit, or give up before we get started. And instead we do something easier, something less challenging. And very often, this will give us a feeling of relief. But it doesn't last. There she was assigned to share office space with Shanaya, and suddenly things went downhill. Rosie liked her environment to be very quiet when she was working, but Shanaya listened to music all day, and it was driving Rosie crazy. She couldn't concentrate and was having trouble getting her work done. Also, Rosie wanted the air conditioner turned up high because she often was too warm, while Shanaya complained that she was freezing. Travis has a very large, close family whom he enjoys visiting at least once a year. His wife, Debby, is an only child who enjoys alone time. Travis would like nothing better than to join his family in the reunion they plan every summer, but Debby finds the boisterous crowd of relatives overwhelming.

Alex's family was casual about walking around in underwear and sharing a bathroom in their small house when he was growing up. His father frequently hugged and kissed his mother in the kitchen, and he could hear them having sex through the thin walls at night. Alex's wife, Tanya, was raised in a family that had much more conservative and reserved attitudes. Ongoing conflict with ex-wife/investigate whether improved communication skills can help/decrease sense of responsibility for divorce. Taught communication skills such as assertion and did behavioral experiments to test thoughts (It won't make any difference; Did a pie chart of responsibility. Depressive rumination and self-criticism/reduce depressive rumination. Provided psychoeducation about symptoms and impact of depression, evaluated beliefs about deserved criticism, evaluated positive and negative beliefs about rumination and worry, did a behavioral experiment to see impact of mindfulness of the breath, and prescribed mindfulness exercise each morning and during the day as needed. PART SIX: COURSE OF TREATMENT AND OUTCOME Therapeutic Relationship At the beginning of treatment, LENNY was concerned that I might be critical of him, and he thought he should be able to overcome his problems on his own. I provided him with my view: that he had a real illness for which most people require treatment, that his difficulties stemmed from his depression and didn't indicate anything negative about him as a person, and that it was a sign of strength that he was willing to see if treatment could help. He seemed to be reassured. Before long, our minds start beating us up for `quitting', or we feel that sense of heaviness, loss and stagnation that characterises life inside the `comfort zone'. So what are we to do? CHANGING OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH FAILURE There are at least three ways I know of to transform our relationship with failure. The first is by regularly reminding ourselves that failure is a fact of life. To help with this, it's useful to collect relevant stories. For example:

Walt Disney's first animation studio, `Iwerks-Disney Commercial Artists', went bust after just one month. Oprah Winfrey lost her job as news anchor on WJZ-TV in Baltimore. They told her that she `wasn't fit for television'. She is very uncomfortable with Alex's open displays of affection and desire for more unconventional sexual practices. Dora grew up in a home of abject poverty, though now she is comfortable financially. She and her husband, Bob, have good-paying jobs with benefits and retirement, but Dora would still rather save money than spend it. Bob wants to enjoy life to the fullest while he can and resents what he perceives as Dora's stinginess. Jeff was raised in a relaxed--some would say permissive--environment. Lea came from a home that operated very punctually, with rigidly set mealtimes and bedtimes. Now that they have a family, schedules and house rules have become an extremely contentious issue between them. When Jeff is late for dinner, Lea is upset, and Jeff feels that Lea's rules interfere with the relationship he has with his kids. In relationships, there are also differences when it comes to the need for safety versus the need for exploration and growth. Everyone needs to feel understood, nurtured, and supported, but the ways these needs are met can vary widely. He demonstrated a level of trust in me from the beginning; Initially, when he reported what he had accomplished on his Action Plans, he was skeptical when I suggested that these experiences showed his positive attributes. But he was able to recognize that he, too, would see these activities in a positive light if someone else in his situation had engaged in them. LENNY mostly provided positive feedback at the end of sessions. He was able to appropriately let me know when I misunderstood something he said. In summary, he was able to establish and maintain a good therapeutic relationship with me. Number and Frequency of Treatment Sessions, Length of Treatment

LENNY and I met weekly for 12 weeks, then every other week for 4 weeks, and then once a month for 4 months, for a total of 18 sessions over 8 months. We had standard 50-minute CBT sessions. Course of Treatment Summary Albert Einstein wanted to attend the prestigious Swiss Polytechnic Institute, but he did not pass the entrance examination. Steven Spielberg applied to the University of Southern California School of Theater, Film and Television on three separate occasions - but each time he was unsuccessful because of his C grade average. The first business venture of Microsoft co-founders Bill Gates and Paul Allen was called `Traf-O-Data'. It analysed traffic flow - and it flopped miserably. Abraham Lincoln was defeated in his first bid for a seat in the Illinois House of Representatives. He then opened a general store, but within a few months, it went under. Collecting favourite quotes can also be helpful. Here are two I especially like, because they're so relevant to writers: When I'm slogging away at my computer, and my mind's telling me that everything I write is terrible, I always come back to these two quotes; I give myself permission to be stupid, to make mistakes, and to produce shit. In a work setting, this principle is commonly evidenced by the need for safety and predictability versus the need for freedom to explore new ideas and take risks. It is acknowledged that both needs have important roles to play in the long-term success of most businesses--both deserve respect and consideration. How Communication Skills Help Resolve Conflicting Needs Understanding your own needs helps you better communicate with other people. Adults who are out of touch with their emotions or are so stressed that they can pay attention only to some of their emotions won't be able to understand their own needs. In turn, they also have a difficult time communicating their feelings to others and staying on course with what is really troubling them.