Is everyone being treated fairly?

For example, couples often argue about petty differences-- the way she hangs the towels, the way he parts his hair-- rather than what is really bothering them. The abilities to manage stress and to fearlessly experience and express your own emotions enable you to know what you need, as well as what others need. These communication skills help you safely navigate conflict created by opposing needs of other people. I suggested, and LENNY agreed, that we work first on (1) getting LENNY to get out of his apartment almost every day, (2) spending more time with his family, and (3) cleaning up his apartment. Doing these things increased his sense of connectedness and his sense of control and competence (and decreased his belief that he was incompetent and somewhat out of control). We also worked on decreasing his depressive rumination. Once he was functioning somewhat better, we worked on finding employment; Our final goal was to see if he could improve his relationship with his wife--but he could not. Measures of Progress LENNY scored 18 on the PHQ-9 and 8 on the GAD-7 at intake, and his sense of well-being on a 0-10 scale was 1. I continued to monitor progress by using these three assessments at every session. At the end of treatment, his PHQ-9 score was 3, his GAD-7 score was 2, and his sense of well-being score was 7. Although he still had some days that were difficult, on more days than not, he felt much better. I defuse from the tyrannical dictator inside my head who insists that everything I write has to be good. And I remind myself that it's only the first draft, and with each edit and rewrite it will get better. The second approach is to think of failure as nothing more than honest feedback. When we fail at something, it is simply feedback that what we are doing isn't working. This was Thomas Edison's attitude when working on the light bulb. After years of unsuccessful experiments in which light bulb after light bulb exploded, fizzled out or never got started, he famously said, `I haven't failed; I've just found 10 000 ways that won't work.

With this attitude, we can more readily remember that failure is a natural part of learning. It's an opportunity to reflect on what didn't work, and to think about what might work better next time. In the words of Henry Ford: `Failure provides the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently. Successful use of the velvet hammer to resolve conflicts depends on the abilities to: Let's take another look at the previous examples through a lens of emotional intelligence that can identify and express needs: Rosie and Shanaya are having a problem sharing office space. In the context of each one acknowledging the legitimacy of her own, as well as the other person's, needs, there are limitless possibilities for using the velvet hammer for conflict resolution. Shanaya could use a headset for her music or could see if other kinds of music might be less distracting for her new coworker. Rosie could get a small desk fan for her own comfort, so the room temperature did not have to be so cool. Or perhaps Rosie could get Shanaya a cozy shawl or small space heater as a useful peace offering. Travis and Debby, who are in deadlock about how to spend their vacation time, might inadvertently bring more emotional charge into their disagreement-- with the potential for ongoing hurt feelings. If Travis misunderstands Debby's need for quiet and privacy and instead assumes that she dislikes his family, a painful rift could occur. Fortunately, Travis doesn't try to second-guess Debby when she tells him his family overwhelms her. Outcome of Treatment LENNY's depression was almost in remission at the end of weekly treatment. He subsequently got a full-time job that he liked and did well in, was more engaged with friends and family, and felt much better. When he returned for his last monthly booster session, his depression was in full remission, and his sense of well-being had increased to an 8. See beckinstitute. Steps in the AWARE Technique Accept anxiety.

Anxiety is natural, normal, and necessary for survival. The sensations you experience are a normal part of anxiety, even when they become intense. Anxiety increases when you get anxious about feeling anxious. The third approach is to play by the rule discussed in article 12: Rule 6: True success means living by your values. Playing the game this way means that as long as I've acted on my values, then even if I don't achieve my goal, I am still successful. For example, I have four unpublished novels sitting in my drawers. From a goal-focused viewpoint, these are all failures, because I haven't succeeded in my goal of getting them published. But from a values-focused perspective, they are all successes, because in every moment of writing, I have lived by my values around creativity, self-expression and personal growth. And then there's the one novel I have had published: a sex comedy called Stand Up Strummer. Despite some good reviews (one newspaper called it `Bridget Jones for blokes') the article didn't sell very well. So does the fact that it got published make it a success? Or does the fact that it didn't sell well make it a failure? He accepts what she is telling him and is agreeable to compromise. Hoping that, in time, she will learn to enjoy the chaos of a large family, he willingly agrees to spend one week of their two-week vacation somewhere just with her. Alex and Tanya have resolved their conflicts by speaking openly with one another about their differing comfort levels with displays of affection and intimacy. Tanya understands that in spite of her love for him, his ways of being affectionate frighten and overwhelm her. She also understands that he needs to know how much she loves him. Out of this communication came a playful velvet hammer where Tanya and Alex each continue to come up with ways of showing affection and sharing intimacy that they both enjoy. Dora and Bob have resolved their money differences by calmly sharing their feelings about the subject.

It surprised Dora to realize that Bob, too, linked money to security--but he also needed to enjoy the money he earned, after years of deprivation during his childhood. This other need of Bob's touched Dora, who did not previously know that he also had grown up in poverty. Now, instead of criticizing and calling one another names, such as stingy or spendthrift, Dora and Bob find solutions that make both of them feel safe and secure. But just because you feel anxious doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong. Your brain reacts in the same way whether it perceives actual danger or imagined danger. You can view anxiety as energy, given to help you deal with dangerous or difficult situations. Don't try to avoid, suppress, or control anxiety. If you do, it will become more intense and prolonged. Watch it from a distance. Look at it without judgment--not good, not bad. Rate it on a 0-10 scale, and watch it go up and down. Be detached. Remember, you are not your anxiety. From a values-focused perspective, such questions are irrelevant. The important fact is this: I lived my values and found the process challenging, rewarding and fulfilling. To me, that is success. I'd have loved it to be a huge international bestseller, and get made into a Hollywood movie starring Colin Firth and Renee Zellweger. But as the great guru Mick Jagger so famously sang: `You can't always get what you want. REBOUNDING FROM FAILURE When we get stuck, screw up, fail, make mistakes or go off track, our minds like to pull out a stick and clobber us.

They may even insist that beating ourselves up is a good thing to do: `That will teach you'; After all, how many hidings have you given yourself over the years? Did they lead to lasting, healthy change? Jeff and Lea have had a more difficult time resolving their conflict about styles of raising children, because both have so much emotion tied to their own childhood memories. But the process of working out their differences has brought them closer together. They have attentively conveyed their own feelings and listened to the other's feelings with emotional intelligence about what is important to them, and they have been willing to compromise and come up with creative solutions that meet both of their needs. In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distancing, arguments, and breakups. In the work setting, differing needs often lie at the heart of the most bitter disputes. Recognition of the legitimacy of conflicting needs and a willingness to expose them in an environment of compassionate understanding create opportunities for creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships. When It Is Not Advisable to Attempt Conflict Resolution Although resolving conflict is beneficial to most relationships, it is not beneficial to all relationships, and using the velvet hammer is not advisable in all conflicted situations. It is possible to be involved with someone who threatens, rather than fosters, your survival. The more you can separate yourself from the experience, the more you can just watch it. Look at your thoughts, feelings, and actions as if you're a friendly, but not overly concerned, bystander. Act constructively with it. Act as if you aren't anxious. Whatever you can do without anxiety, you can do it with it. You can hold a conversation, do chores, walk, drive, exercise, dance, sing, pray, and write with anxiety. Breathe slowly and normally.