What are people feeling now?

Don't run away from anxiety or avoid anxiety-provoking situations. If you do, you give yourself the message that anxiety is bad or dangerous. Repeat the above. You probably know the old saying: if you want to get your donkey to carry your load, you can use either a carrot or a stick. In other words, you can beat it with a stick until it grudgingly goes along with your wishes, or you can dangle a fresh juicy carrot in front of it, and once it's carried your load to where you want, you give it the carrot as a reward. Both approaches will get your donkey moving. However, if you always rely on the stick, you'll soon have a miserable, unhealthy donkey. Conversely, if you rely on the carrot, you'll end up with a healthy, happy donkey (who also has excellent night vision). The human mind has quite a range of sticks; Sometimes our minds even turn that stick on to others, and we get all caught up in the blame game: `This would never have have happened if he/she/they hadn't done what they did. It's their fault! THE ART OF REBOUNDING FROM FAILURE There are six basic steps for rebounding from failure. When the risk of physical or emotional injury is realistic and ever present, protection and safety always come before reconciliation. As long as the threat of harm exists, it will invalidate attempts to reconcile conflict. In deciding whether you are unsafe, emotionally or physically, consider the following in your relationship: Is your physical safety being threatened? Are you afraid? Are you being beaten down--intellectually or emotionally--or worn down physically? Has your sense of self diminished in the relationship?

Are you ashamed of the way you are being treated? Is the person you have a relationship with unable to take responsibility for his or her own injurious behavior? Does the person you are in a relationship with have an alcohol or drug problem? Continue to Accept, Watch, and Act constructively with the anxiety. Expect the best. Most of the time, what you most fear doesn't happen. Give yourself lots of opportunities to use the steps above so you can gain confidence that anxiety always decreases. And your difficulties with anxiety will decrease once you stop fighting it or trying to avoid or control it. Adapted with permission from Beck and Emery (1985). Restructuring the Meaning of Early Memories through Experiential Techniques These Gestalt-type techniques have been adapted to the cognitive model, specifically to change dysfunctional beliefs, and are more often used with clients with personality disorders than with clients who have acute disorders, though not exclusively so. You use these techniques toward the middle or end of treatment, when clients have already begun to modify their dysfunctional beliefs. Note that it may be important for some clients to focus more heavily on recalling positive memories and deriving positive meanings to fortify their adaptive beliefs about themselves, their worlds, and/or other people. Step 1: Unhook Notice, name and neutralise your mind's harsh commentary. Say to yourself, `Aha! It's clobbering time! The loser story again! Step 2: Make room Expand around the pain.

Observe those painful sensations in your body, breathe into them, and open up around them. And if you're somewhere private, you may like to place a hand on where it hurts most, and `hold the pain gently'. Step 3: Be kind If you said yes to any of the preceding questions, you may need assistance before focusing on resolving differences. Talk to a trusted friend, clergy, or a therapist, and create a plan that ensures your well-being. Conflict resolution cannot be accomplished in an environment where all people involved do not feel safe. For information about domestic abuse and violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE) or go to helpguide. If you need help immediately, call 911. Fortunately, we can resolve conflicts when we don't feel threatened, but doing so requires the communication skills associated with emotional intelligence. The following article has more to say about these skills and practices that achieve mutually agreeable resolutions to the conflicts that inevitably arise in our lives. Ironically, conflict offers us one of the best opportunities for improving relationships. When conflict ends in resolution, it stimulates brain growth and fosters safety and trust. By learning to tolerate the velvet hammer and avoid overreacting or underreacting in emotionally charged situations, we take control of our emotions, as well as of our ability to be true to ourselves and to the relationships we each care about most. I present two ways to restructure the meaning of memories below. Technique 1: Restructuring the Meaning of Early Experience through Reenactment and Therapist-Client Role Play. Below, I first ask LENNY about a distressing situation, suggesting he focus on the somatic sensations attached to his negative emotion to activate his core beliefs and distress more intensely. I do this so he can gain greater access to an earlier memory with the same theme. PAULINE: LENNY, you look pretty down today. My ex-wife called. I was supposed to babysit for my grandchildren this morning, but I had to cancel at the last minute because I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment.

PAULINE: What did she say to you? LENNY: That I'm a terrible grandfather. PAULINE: What went through your mind when she said that? If you come down on yourself like a ton of bricks, it will not give you health and vitality in the long term. You'll end up like that battered, miserable donkey. And the macho `suck it up' attitudes so common in the sporting and business worlds simply do not sustain most people in the long term. True mental toughness - the ability to persist in your endeavour, despite great pain - develops through self-acceptance, kindness to yourself, and the ongoing commitment to acting on core values. So if you want to rebound and thrive after failure, you need to be kind to yourself. Imagine that someone you love was feeling what you are feeling under similar circumstances; If you point the finger and judge them - `You need to try harder', `Pull your finger out', `Don't be a wimp', `You've only got yourself to blame' - then not only will that person feel worse, but your harsh, judgemental response will damage the relationship. On the other hand, if you rush in and try to fix it with positive thinking - `No use crying over spilt milk', `Every cloud has a silver lining', `One door opens and another closes', `Rome wasn't built in a day', `What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' - the other person is likely to feel irritated, sad or disappointed. Because this `super-positive, fix-it-up, make-it-right and get-over-it' attitude lacks empathy and compassion; So if you wanted to treat this other person with respect, kindness and compassion, while genuinely acknowledging just how painful failure is, then what kind and considerate words would you say to them? Conflict or the perception of conflict, which can feel just as real, carries a strong emotional charge. It feels bigger, scarier, and more threatening than most differences because often in addition to the differing needs it addresses, it carries a real or implied element of danger. Although conflict takes effort to negotiate, it is worth the investment we make, because resolving conflict rewards us with stronger, more flexible relationships. Why do conflicts sometimes feel threatening? Your perception of the danger that conflict poses in important relationships is drawn from memories created in infancy and during early childhood. If your early experiences with conflict in relationships were intimidating and hurtful, you may expect all present-day disagreements to end badly. Painful memories can create a view of conflict in relationships as demoralizing, humiliating, dangerous, and something to fear.

If, in addition, your early life experiences left you feeling out of control in your early relationships, conflicts experienced now may even be traumatizing for you. Conflicts perceived as threatening and overwhelming can trigger fight, flight, or freeze responses, which disable emotional intelligence and any attempts at conflict resolution. When one or both people in a relationship feel unsafe and out of control, the likeliness of their disagreements escalating into conflict grows exponentially. LENNY: She's right. I am a terrible grandfather. PAULINE: And how are you feeling? LENNY: [expressing her emotion] Sad. PAULINE: Just as a grandfather or overall? LENNY: It feels like overall. PAULINE: [heightening his affect to facilitate memory retrieval] Do you feel this sadness and failure somewhere in your body? LENNY: (Points to chest. There's this heaviness. Next, we collaboratively decide not to focus on this current situation at the moment. If you're struggling for ideas, here's one possibility: `I know when things like this happen, it hurts like hell. I wish I could take your pain away, but I know that's not possible. I just want you to know I'm here for you. And also consider: is there something kind or compassionate you could do for yourself? Step 4: Appreciate what worked An important act of kindness towards yourself is to acknowledge and appreciate everything you did that worked. No matter how poorly you played the game or performed in the interview, painted the canvas or handled your kids, there were undoubtedly some things you did that were okay, and maybe even some things you did very well.