What's the solution to this problem?

What did you do that was an improvement - no matter how small - on last time? What did you do that was reasonable? What did you do that worked well? This almost certainly can be the case when neither party has the skills to react in an emotionally intelligent manner. Disagreements can evolve into conflicts not only in personal relationships but in work relationships as well. Colleagues can start out as friends but end up estranged when fearful expectations are triggered in one or both of them. Gil: The Woman Who Won Battles but Lost the War Gil and Peter were good friends and respected colleagues before she was named CEO and chair of a corporate board. As a board member, Peter had voted enthusiastically for Gil's nomination because in addition to liking her, he thought she had the intelligence and background for the job. But once they began working together, things started to fall apart. Although Gil was very talented and capable, she was also impatient and unaccustomed to working with strong people who had their own ideas about how things should be done. Plus, because she usually worked spontaneously and quickly, Gil rarely took the time to invite others to join in her decision-making process. Instead, I take advantage of LENNY's negative mood state to identify an important early experience, in which the same core belief had been activated. I ask him to imagine the scene. Then we discuss the memory on the intellectual level, and I help LENNY see an alternative explanation for his mother's outburst in which she blamed and criticized him. PAULINE: When is the first time you remember feeling this way, as a kid? LENNY: (pause) Probably when I was about 11 or 12. I remember my mother coming home really late from work because she had missed her bus. She got really upset with me because my brothers were playing with colored clay in the kitchen and it was all over the table and on the floor.

PAULINE: Can you picture the scene in your mind? Were you and your brothers and mom in the kitchen? PAULINE: What did her face look like? What did you do that involved taking a risk or trying something new? Acknowledge and appreciate these efforts, and give yourself a pat on the back for what you did right. This is absolutely essential for self-encouragement. It's not enough to merely unhook from all our harsh criticisms and self-judgements; Each time we do this, we are learning how to be an effective coach. Ineffective coaches focus only on what went wrong, and do so in a harsh, judgemental manner. Effective coaches first acknowledge and appreciate what went right - and then, in a respectful, non-judgemental manner, they acknowledge what went wrong and turn it into a useful learning experience. Step 5: Find something useful Look for something useful in this failure. Ask yourself, `How can I learn or grow from this? As a result, despite the many excellent decisions she made for the company, she alienated members of her board because the decisions were made unilaterally. At one point, Gil ordered Peter to stop conferring with a disgruntled employee, which was not an unreasonable request. But the demanding and public manner in which she told him made Peter feel as though Gil was trying to control him. His reaction was anger and outrage, blasting Gil during a board meeting. Peter's anger was a hurtful blow to Gil, triggering childhood memories of her father's rages, so her response in defense was also anger. Board meetings thereafter became occasions for shouting matches between the two of them, with the other board members looking on in dismay and disapproval. Before long, Gil was offered a buyout and forced to leave her position in the company, and Peter resigned in disgrace soon after.

This was a sad ending to what could have been a wonderful working relationship. When Does Conflict Not Feel like a Threat? What did she say? LENNY: Well, she looked pretty mad. She really yelled. She said something like LENNY, what am I going to do with you? Just look at this place! PAULINE: What did you say? LENNY: I don't think I said anything. My mom kept yelling at me. She said something like Don't you know how hard I work? I don't ask you to do much. The point is not to try to diminish, negate or trivialise the pain of failure, but rather to dignify it and have something beneficial come out of it. Step 6: Take a stand Ask yourself, `What do I want to stand for in the face of this reality gap? What values would you like to bring into play: persistence, learning, courage, adaptability, innovation, creativity, personal growth or others? Use those values to guide the way you respond. Ask yourself, `What would I need to do so that ten years from now I could look back with pride and satisfaction in the way I responded? And if you get stuck, go off track or start running out of steam, then firmly (but kindly and respectfully) remind yourself of the actions you need to take, and why they are important to you.

Joe Simpson did this repeatedly throughout his gruelling journey back to base camp. In Touching the Void, he referred to this pattern of thinking as `the voice'. In the midst of all his despairing, hopeless, defeatist thoughts, he would hear `the voice' reminding him of what he needed to do to survive: Get up, keep moving, don't stop. The knee-jerk perception of conflict as a threat is much less likely when someone has memories of feeling safe as an infant and young child--even in tense situations. If your memories of discord left you feeling whole and hopeful, you will face new challenges openly and eagerly. Events that have a potential for conflict will seem more adventurous than dangerous. When no threat is felt, conflicts are generally recognized simply as differences that can be resolved. Elliot, Who Wouldn't Surrender His Photos Elliot rarely got into scuffles with others, but when he did, he faced the situations fearlessly. As part of a peace delegation, Elliot was invited to tour the former Soviet Union in 1983 at the height of the Cold War. Travel in Russia was tense at that time and included frequent searches by Soviet police and political posturing by officials. But the Russian people were friendly and gracious. Elliot was invited to a Russian home and served an elaborate dinner, even though he knew the family's financial resources were scarce. But why did you let your brothers get clay all over the place. You should have been watching them. Is that really so hard to do? PAULINE: [empathizing] You must have felt pretty bad. LENNY: I did. PAULINE: Do you think this was a reasonable way for her to act? LENNY: (Thinks.

She was pretty tired and stressed out. PAULINE: Is this something you found yourself saying a lot to your own kids? I never said anything like that. We can all cultivate an inner voice that kindly, firmly and respectfully reminds us what we need to do: keep practising, keep learning, keep growing. SIX STEPS FOR REBOUNDING FROM FAILURE Unhook from unhelpful thoughts. Make room for painful feelings. Be kind to yourself, in word and gesture. Acknowledge what worked and appreciate any improvements. Find something useful to help you learn or grow. Take a stand through acting on your values. We now have yet another rule for the confidence game: Rule 9: Failure hurts - but if we're willing to learn, it's a wonderful teacher. The photos that he took that evening of three lively generations living together in one small apartment were precious to him. The next day Elliot decided to rest at his hotel instead of joining his delegation on a field trip. Later that afternoon, he took a stroll through the neighborhood with his camera. After he stopped to photograph a little boy on a red tricycle, the child disappeared into a long line of people. Immediately the crowd began to complain vigorously about the photo Elliot had just snapped of the little boy. The fuss caused Elliot to remember that he had been expressly told never to photograph people in lines, and he had already witnessed two other delegates' films exposed to light after such an incident. In the blink of an eye, Elliot found himself between two large policemen who asked him in broken English to give them his camera--something Elliot did not want to do unless it was absolutely necessary.