What's the point here?

Smiling politely and apologizing, Elliot shoved the camera and its precious film deep into the backpack he held tightly in his arms and pretended he didn't understand what they were asking him. This exchange continued for a few moments as one officer unsuccessfully attempted to call the precinct; There, he was passed from one group to another, each of apparently higher rank than the last. I didn't expect them to look after each other. PAULINE: Can you remember when your son was 11 years old--and your daughter was, what, 8? PAULINE: If you had come home one day after work, you were really late and really tired and stressed out, and the table and floor were covered with clay, what would you have said to them? I guess I'd have said something like--Uh-oh. Okay, there's clay all over the table and on the floor. Stop what you're doing and clean it up. And next time, don't let it get so messy. PAULINE: That's really good. Do you have any idea why your mother didn't just ask you to clean up the clay? LENNY: I'm not sure. When playing by this rule, effective self-encouragement is essential: being kind to ourselves, acknowledging what worked, learning and growing from our experience, and reconnecting with our values. Without these steps, failure is merely a weight around our necks. But with good self-encouragement, we can truly appreciate the process of. What all these comments show is that we can't predict the future. We don't know what is possible. With persistence, courage and the willingness to learn and grow, we are often capable of achieving far more than anyone - including ourselves - might ever have expected. Now I don't want to turn into a motivational guru and start telling you that `You can achieve anything you want if only you put your mind to it.

But I do invite you to consider something very carefully. Throughout this article, I've mentioned many inspiring people. And while they all had different visions, goals and action plans, they all shared (at least) two core values: persistence and self-development. Finally, there was a phone call to someone who sounded like an official, from the bits of conversation that Elliot understood. He could make out the words, American, camera, but not much else. At the end of the call, the men shrugged, smiled sheepishly, and indicated that Elliot was free to go. When Elliot described what had happened to the other members of his delegation, they asked him why he didn't immediately hand over the film. His answer was, If they had threatened me, I would have. If the demands sounded aggressive or anyone laid a hand on me, I would have given in. But that didn't happen, so I held my ground. Developing the Ability to Resolve Conflict People respond differently to discord depending on what they expect to experience. If we anticipate hurt or humiliation, we approach the situation with fear and trepidation. PAULINE: I wonder, from what you've told me before, if it could be because she was overwhelmed with being a single parent. I wonder whether seeing the kitchen messy made her feel out of control. LENNY: That's probably right. It was hard for her. Next, I change the focus so LENNY can engage in experiential learning through role play. Initially he plays his mother; PAULINE: Okay, how about if we do a role play?

I'll play you at age 11; Try to see things from her point of view as much as you can. You've just come home from work, you see clay all over the table and the floor, and you say . Persistence is the quality of continuing resolutely, despite problems or difficulties. Self-development is the quality of working to improve, strengthen or advance your skills and abilities. If we choose to live by these values, we will reap many rewards. We might not achieve all our goals, or make all our dreams come true, but we will improve significantly at doing what matters to us. I started writing articles when I was 23, and by the time I was 39 I had written five - and all were unpublished. My sixth article, The Happiness Trap, was published shortly after my fortieth birthday. What kept me going through the dark patches, through those times when I felt lost, dispirited or too tired to carry on, were my values around persistence and self-development. Even today, with four published articles under my belt, I still get hooked by my mind's judgements that what I'm writing is boring or unoriginal, or by its predictions that `This article will be a flop. When this happens, I turn to my values to get me through. I ask myself, `Do I value developing my writing skills further? When our expectation is positive, the same situation becomes an opportunity to improve our relationships. This explains why Elliot's response to a potentially threatening situation was so different than Gil's . There are two possible reasons for Elliot's response. The first is that he grew up in a home where disputes ended amiably instead of being the terrifying events they were for Gil. The second is that Elliot learned to behave in the calm, friendly, fearless way he did because as an adult he learned emotionally intelligent skills that enabled him to do the following: Quickly reduce his stress levels Experience and manage his strong emotions

Recognize and practice nonverbal communication Meet challenges with a sense of humor These four skills together form a fifth skill that is greater than the sum of its parts: the ability to take conflict in stride and resolve differences in ways that build trust and confidence. LENNY: [as Mom] LENNY, look at this mess. You should have stopped your brothers. PAULINE: [as LENNY] Mom, I'm sorry. It is a mess. I'll start cleaning it up. LENNY: Don't you know how hard I work? Is it really too much to expect you to watch your brothers? PAULINE: I was watching them, and I did tell them to clean up, but they wouldn't listen to me. LENNY: You have to make them. PAULINE: I don't know how to do that. Do I value persisting in the face of obstacles? The answer to these questions is always `yes'. This is enough to get me back at the computer, doing what needs to be done to finish the article. But at least I am being honest with myself, rather than `reason-giving'. Now pause for ten seconds and notice what your mind is saying. By this point in the article, I am expecting a diverse range of responses. Some minds are probably going `Yes!

One of the most common protests is this: `That's all very well, but I don't have those values. I don't value persistence and self-development. So even if for our whole lives, up to this point in time, we have never lived by values such as persistence or self-development, we can choose to start right now. In situations that could feel threatening, this skill gives you the power to do the following: Stay focused in the present. Focusing on the present, untainted by fear from the past, opens up new possibilities for resolving not only current but also past disputes. Time changes the way people feel, think, and act. When we are emotionally present and not holding on to old hurts and resentments, we can recognize the reality of a current situation and view it as a new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts. We can even use these opportunities to revive and revitalize relationships that were cherished but lost. Choose your arguments. Developing skills that make us emotionally intelligent nonverbal communicators takes time. They are not accomplished through speedy electronic processes. Because arguments require an expenditure of time and energy, we need to consider what is worth arguing about and what is not. I'm only 11. You're expecting too much from me. I'll clean it up now. I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this. You're making me feel like such a failure. Is that what you think I am? LENNY: No, I don't want you to think that.