You don't pay attention to me anymore

PAULINE: What would you have said to yourself if you hadn't done those things? LENNY: Probably that I was incompetent. PAULINE: So do you think the screen was operating, discounting what you did or not even registering what you did? Determining When the Belief Originated or Became Maintained Next, I ask LENNY about prior experiences in which he recalled having this belief. PAULINE: Do you remember feeling incompetent like this at other times in your life too? As a child? LENNY: Yeah, sometimes. These social scientists discovered that a positive attuned brain-altering relationship is based on five distinct parts of the communication process that continue to inspire and sustain the desire for intimacy: mutual regulation, nonverbal communication, emotional exchange, interactive play, and willingness to readily resolve differences. Even mothers who love and care for their children can fail to provide their offspring with good attachment experiences if they don't play with them, don't emotionally communicate with them, or frequently misread, misunderstand, or ignore their baby's cues. The experience of connection or disconnection described by attachment profoundly shapes our expectations, behaviors, and ability to communicate positively in important relationships throughout our lives. It also provides road maps that help us see where we have been, where we are now, and what we can do to be where we want to be--now and in the future. Although falling in love is sometimes easy, half of all first marriages end in divorce. Even more astounding is the fact that two-thirds of second marriages also fail. And many people stay in marriages that have lost the joy, interest, and excitement needed to make the relationship permanently fulfilling. Advice usually given by marriage therapists, magazine articles, or some self-help articles may temporarily relieve the symptoms of your relationship problems, but following that advice doesn't usually change the flawed attachment-based interactive processes that continue to undermine trust, self-worth, mutual understanding, and affection. Researchers have found that successful adult relationships depend on the persons' emotional intelligence--on their ability to: Mark and Cheryl: A Seemingly But during his heart attack, he developed pericarditis, a condition in which the sac-like covering which contains the heart becomes inflamed. In Danesh's case, this sac filled up with about a litre-and-a-half of blood, which meant his heart couldn't beat.

You don't need to be a doctor to know that's the body's way of saying your time might be up. Danesh, however, was lucky. His doctors successfully did an angioplasty and tapped out the excess fluid. Although his body slowly recovered, Danesh sank into depression. People around him began to react to him differently. At first, he was treated like delicate china. After a period of time, he became the butt of jokes among his marginally healthier friends. Danesh has since quit smoking, tries to eat healthy and get more exercise. Curiosity: we are curious about what is happening. We actively seek to discover something new in our experience; Like an intrepid explorer or an enthusiastic scientist, we pay attention to the details, taking nothing for granted, interested in whatever we may find. Flexibility: we are flexible in the way we pay attention. At times we may have a narrow focus, such as when we are absorbed in a task: threading a needle, drilling a hole or hitting a golf ball. At other times we may have a broad focus, such as when we are exploring a new city and taking in all the novel sights, smells and sounds. At times we may be more focused on the inner world of our thoughts and feelings. And at other times we may focus more on the external world. So how about we try this out right now? I invite you to stop reading for a few moments and simply notice what you can hear. I remember my mother yelling at me because the house was messy or my brothers were out of control. PAULINE: Any other times?

LENNY: (Thinks. And, I guess, when I started the next job. But that was just for the first few weeks. PAULINE: Okay, just to summarize: I'm incompetent seems to be a core belief that started when you were a kid. But you didn't believe it all the time. I'm guessing that for most of your life, until the depression set in, you've believed you're reasonably competent. But now the screen is operating. Explaining Beliefs Using a Diagram Unsuited Couple Mark and Cheryl met professionally when Mark was in the midst of a painful, prolonged divorce that he had attempted to avoid. After years of trying to understand why his wife treated him with contempt, Mark had discovered that she was having an affair, which she had no intention of ending. But when he finally filed for divorce, she made it quite clear that she didn't want to end their marriage, because she was happy with the arrangement as it was. Cheryl, who was in her early forties--as was Mark when they met--had never been married, despite having been in several long-term relationships. She was adopted as a baby by parents who had converted to a religion (when she was an adult) that they insisted she embrace. Unable to do so, Cheryl became estranged from her parents and was now alone, without family in the world. Fiercely independent, curious, and successful in the real estate field (the same field as Mark), Cheryl had recently taken up a serious interest in acting. Their beginnings were on a note of friendship. Although Mark did feel a strong attraction for Cheryl, he also recognized and respected the fact that she was not looking for romance. But he will always be the 26-year-old who had a heart attack. What went wrong?

Why did this happen? Danesh was stressed out and he never took it seriously. He had stress coming at him from all corners of his life, and it didn't help that he chose to combat it with really bad lifestyle choices. When age is on your side, you shrug and think, `Hey, what's the worst that'll happen? Well, now you know. Was Danesh's case the norm or the exception? The common view is that heart attacks are something that happen to really old people. But things have changed. Notice the sounds coming from yourself - your breathing and your movements. Then expand your awareness to notice the sounds around you. Listen to these sounds as if you were a musician appreciating great music: notice the different pitches, volumes and rhythms; Please do this now for thirty seconds. Next, I invite you to look around and notice five things you can see. Look at each object as if you were an artist studying a famous masterpiece. Notice the shape, colour, texture and shading; Take 30 to 60 seconds to do this, lingering with curiosity on each object - no matter how familiar or mundane it seems. Now sit up straight in your chair and notice the position of your body. Push your feet firmly into the floor, straighten your spine and drop your shoulders. Next, I hand drew the diagram in Figure 17. PAULINE: LENNY, can I show you how all this looks on a diagram?

LENNY: I think that would help. PAULINE: Okay, we start with childhood experiences. It sounds as if you felt incompetent at times when your mother yelled at you. PAULINE: And now, when you're depressed, is this how you understand what's going on? If you don't do something as well as you think you should have, it means to you that you're incompetent? For example, this week you saw the bills on the table and you had the thought, I can't believe I haven't paid them yet. Is that right? PAULINE: Just to confirm, what did it mean to you that you hadn't paid them? Between her work and her passion for acting, she had little available time for him-- at first, only every few weeks. Still, when they did get together, each found the other to be a ready listener, and there was a real emotional exchange between them that often included laughter, as well expressions of pain, sadness, and frustration. Having come from a family that talked openly about their feelings, including their vulnerable feelings, Mark felt warmed by Cheryl's attentiveness and acceptance. Encouraged by his emotional openness and interest in her, Cheryl revealed more and more about what moved and motivated her. Cheryl found herself increasingly looking forward to being with Mark, and Mark, who had always been rather staid in his ways, found himself being influenced by her interest and excitement about so many things. He even began taking an acting class because he was curious to see why she found it to be so meaningful--and he really liked it, to the complete surprise of his friends and family. Cheryl was also interested in health and fitness, another new subject that Mark pursued and enjoyed because of her. Little by little Cheryl found herself drawn into her relationship with Mark. No one had ever made her feel so known, heard, respected, and appreciated. She became increasingly attracted to him, and she missed him when they were not together. The earlier generation's 50 years is today's 30. The medical tests we once did at 50 are now being done at 30.